"AITA for cutting off my in-laws when my husband died?"
Sorry this is long. For some background my husband died 6 months ago and we have 2 children 3 and 18 months. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in 2019. Prior to this I had a good relationship with his parents but there's always been a lot of dismissing of inappropriate behaviours between all members of the family.
When my husband was diagnosed we lived with my in laws for 6 months while we got our head around things. I did not want to do this and decision were made without consulting me. I accepted the situation but was extremely depressed and even a bit suicidal at certain points but my husband at the time felt his family would be a good support.
They weren't. I was his only caregiver throughout the duration of his treatment, stuck in a house i had no space or privacy. I also supported his mental health as they destroyed it along the way (eg making fun of him for being scared of dying etc).
Once we moved out we had an ok relationship with them but id be lying if I said I didnt carry resentment towards them and his siblings for a range of issues but was always polite and hoped things would change.
All of which were swept under the rug. 5 years passed, treatment was going well and we had our 2 children. When I was pregnant with my youngest my in laws agreed to look after our first (My mil would have probably lost it if I asked anyone else.) while I was in hospital.
I spent most of my days off work at their house helping him get used to them and their house (never left him there, i was there still caring for him) a few months later they posted in the family chat dates of their travel plans for the year. One trip was 2 weeks right over my due date. We raised this with them and things got heated.
They told us we are all a burden and we take advantage of them which was very surprising to me because I had a traumatic childhood that shows up by me relying very little on other people. They also told us they dont care about grandchildren and it wouldnt matter to them if they didnt see them (they begged everyone in the family for grandchildren for years).
We attempted to repair things with them multiple times and everytime they doubled down so we went lower and lower contact with them for 2 years up until my husband's death. Anytime we would see them they would tell us to get over it and move on. We would say not until things are acknowledged and repaired instead of rug sweeping.
My husband suddenly went downhill and on going to hospital found out the cancer was back and everywhere. It was very unexpected. He begged his parents to make things right. His dad finally apologised.
The family came together for his final 2 weeks of life. I had brought him home with palliative care to die at home. I was still the sole person caring for him in every way as well as our 2 children while completely heartbroken about the situation.
I asked them to sit with him one morning to take my daughter to the doctor and as soon as I was gone they immediate said they were victims and I ruined their family. On his death bed my husband yelled at them and told them to get out. Still when he passed I called them so they could sit with him etc and split his ashes with his parents and siblings.
They left me to do everything for his memorial and on the day despite having rsvped his mum didnt attend. No text no call, before or after. I messaged her a week later asking for an explanation. She blocked me.
Now 6 months have passed and she has reached out saying we should do coffee and she is free for baby sitting and helping with cooking because she promised her son she would be there for us so i should believe her word.
Even if she was sorry which shes never said she is, I just dont want her around and I dont want this family near our children. My husband told me on his death bed to trust my instinct when it came to them and not to feel bad about cutting and running.
People keep asking if ive been in contact and whether Ill forgive them and let them back in as if thats something I should be aiming for. That it would be good for the kids to have them. We have friends and other family that have been absolute top tier support. In my mind I think this family is all so crazy and toxic, but AITAH? Should I be giving them another chance? Is my trauma history clouding this? Thanks
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Your children don’t need to be pawns in your MIL’s game. I’m sorry for your loss.
ESH in-laws sound awful and you chose to have two kids with a man you knew wouldn't live to see them grow up, on top of your history of suicidal ideation. what were you thinking? how is this fair to your kids?
Your children should not be kept from their grandparents because of your dispute.
There’s clear consensus here that you should follow your gut and keep your in laws out of your and your children’s lives. But I understand the more pressing Q may be how to handle a potential relationship with your BIL, SIL, and their kids. My two cents:
Get the kids together, have dinner, and talk through what maintaining a relationship can look like knowing that you will remain NC with the in laws.
The message to them would basically be: “What in laws did was unforgivable, and there is nothing they could do that would make up for it, let alone prove that they are safe and reliable people to have around my children. But I do want to be able to keep a relationship with the four of you. Sorts talk through what that could look like, knowing that in laws will never be in our lives again.”
Original_Elk5960 OP:
That's a good idea, thanks for that. I know my sil will be open to that. I dont think she would have a relationship with our in laws if she had the choice. My husband was much more outspoken and not afraid to call things out as he saw them. Question mark on my bil. He is a well intentioned guy but definitely follows some of the family traits of avoiding hard conversations which in turn has caused harm
After reading the comments OP came back with this edit:
EDIT: Wow ok I was not prepared for that much response. And I want to thank you all so much that from what I can see its pretty unanimous. The gaslighting can be thick around here and it was a lot easier to manage it with my husband by my side.
Im not the same ethnic background as my husband and there's probably a few cultural things that add to their behaviour as someone had messaged to me. One twist in this situation is my children and I are very close with my niece and nephew (5 and 4) and the wife of my BIL.
I actually met my husband through this girl when we worked together so we do have a friendship that predates the family making it all messier. They are all aware of the comments about not caring about grandchildren and thinking everyones a burdens and seeing the way we were treated but follow the status quo of brush it under the rug and forget about it.
Before i had children i spent minimum 2 days per week with my niece and im told that she cries and asks where i am at family functions now.
I have so far maintained a relationship with them by doing park dates etc with just my sil but she I guess participates in the dynamics in an indirect way and being permissive to the dysfunction that makes it hard to trust her but I can also see that she is in a losing situation as her husband is very much enmeshed in the mess so as much as I would love to literally never see my mil and fil especially ever again.
It is a little more nuanced than that.
I have already had a conversation with my sil that I wont be attending any events that my in laws are attending but its an awful feeling wanting to completely cut and run but having that small tether through my niece and nephew keeping me there somewhat 🫤
For those suggesting moving out of the area. I kind of love the idea but we literally just bought a house at the start of the year and even if I had the drive to make that happen it would break my heart a little bit leaving the house we picked together as our forever house and all the dreams we had for it.