'AITA for cutting my contribution to our budget after my wife refused to stick to our agreement?'

"AITA for cutting the amount I contribute to our budget after my wife refused to stick to our agreement regarding our kids?"

My wife and I agreed before we got married on a lot of the big things. Where we would live. How we would deal with our families. How we would raise our kids. Stuff like that. Deal breakers.

One of our decisions was that as long as our kids were full time students then they would not have to contribute monetarily to the household budget. Obviously they would still have chores and such. If they weren't full time students then they would get a six month grace period after which they had to pay rent and buy their own food. Rent would be equal to 1/4 of full time minimum wage work.

We agreed on this in 1998. Our eldest did not want to go to university and used the six months after graduation to work, save money, and plan a trip around the world. When he got back he started an apprenticeship and is now a welder. Our middle kid went to university and is now a nurse. Our youngest did one semester of college and decided it wasn't for him. He also decided that he didn't want to work.

After six months I told him that he was now responsible for his rent and food budget. He went crying to his mom saying that he couldn't afford that. She said he didn't have to pay. She didn't discuss it with me first. It was a unilateral decision on her part.

She pays all our bills. I give her a set amount every month to pay for everything. The money she earns she either spends however she wants or it goes into our vacation fund. So I decided to cut my contribution to our budget by the cost of rent and 1/3 of our grocery bill. She asked me why I did that and I said that we had an agree that she chose to ignore so I did the same.

She has been paying the difference out of the money that would normally go into our vacation account and she cut back on her personal spending. But she is pissed that I am doing this. She says I'm an @$$hole for being financially manipulative. I think she needs to either accept it or get her poor baby to grow up. She tried getting our older kids on her side but they agree with me. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Ok-Listen-8519 said:

NTA the other two got tough love why baby gets away with it? Favouritism sucks

OP responded:

There was no tough love. The two older ones knew the deal and both did great on their own. The welder lived at home for his entire apprenticeship and only paid 1/4 of minimum wage not of what he was earning. He saved up for those years and bought a house. My daughter still lives at home and pays 1/4 of minimum wage not what a registered nurse earns.

fckinsleepless said:

INFO: Did you tell your son at the beginning of the six months he would be responsible for rent and food?

Is there anything going on with him to cause him not to work? Is he depressed or mentally ill?

OP responded:

All our kids knew the deal since they started middle school. He is not mentally ill.

Trevena_Ice said:

INFO: What does your wife plan to do about your youngest son? Does she wants to cuddle him until she dies?

Both of you reacted over the top here. You should have a long talk about this to your wife. And what she is planing to do, because the child can't just stay at home doing nothing. This isn't helpfull in any way. Try to talk it out. Talk to your son as well, what his plans are. Also are there any mental health issues why your son can't work at the moment?

OP responded:

No clue what her plan is for the kid. To the best of my knowledge he has no mental health issues that preclude him from working.

Ok-Acanthaceae5744 said:

NTA - I think what you did is fair. If your youngest was struggling to find a decent job, I might be a little more sympathetic, but he just decided he didn't want to work and enabling him is the worst thing you can do for him. However, this is not sustainable. Your wife needs to cut the apron strings, all she is doing is building resentment with your other children and teaching your youngest bad habits.

I've seen cases where a parent does nothing but come to their kids rescue, always giving in to whatever they want. Eventually that parent dies, and now you have a adult who acts like a child and who can't manage by themselves. It does not end well for them, any money left is squandered in a short period of time and they lose everything.

Bluwthu said:

Wait... you give her money to pay for all of the bills while she gets what's leftover and what she earned for herself? So she doesn't contribute to the household financially? You are NTA for cutting back on your contributions and the initial agreement you had. She sounds like a gold digger lite. Seems you have been clear about all of this. Glad you have a backbone.

HereWeGo_Steelers said:

Is "the kid" your son? Because you're acting like you have zero responsibility for raising them, and you don't sound like you love them at all.

And OP responded:

May I ask what responsibility I have to take care of an adult child? I am not saying that I have none. I am just wondering why you think they are. And when does it stop? When he is 35? 50? When?

And Pistalrose said:

ESH. Cause I think this isn’t essentially about the money. It’s about raising your kids to be functional adults and it seems like neither of you are focusing on that in your turf war.

No, she shouldn’t have unilaterally changed your agreement but that doesn’t mean withholding funds is ok either especially since it appears you didn’t discuss that at all before punishing her. It’s also not ok to utilize your other kids in this fight.

Talk about what you both want for your son and how to get there and the impact on your overall financial picture. Go to a counselor if that helps keep the focus away from petty retaliation and on the goal.

Stay tuned for any updates!