'AITA for cutting my father out of my life after he didn't attend my wedding?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for cutting my father out of my life after he didn't attend my wedding?"
I (35F) have rewritten this so many times. It's just hard to get all of my feelings out. I apologize for this being long. I was very low contact with my father for many years.
He and my mother had a bitter divorce when I was 18, and he found his current girlfriend Debbie when I was 20. Without going too indepth, he was physically and mentally abusive my whole life until I moved out when I was 20.
When the pandemic hit, he started calling more. With the state of the world, and me being now in my 30s, I was more open to communicating with him. We very slowly would communicate, with me setting very firm boundaries with conversation topics. He would occasionally violate them, scream at me, he'd go in time out, and then he'd be good for a while.
When I met my husband Victor my father was actually excited for me. Spent time trying to get to know him over the phone. Was happy for me. When I moved in with Victor, my father actually apologized to me for everything he'd done.
For the first time in my life I felt heard and validated by my father. He apologized for treating me like trash in favor of my siblings. He apologized for all the horrible things he did to me. And I cried. I felt validation and relief like I never had before. And I was then completely open to a relationship with him again.
When I got engaged he was thrilled. He asked if he was walking me down the aisle, and I had told him no. It didn't really feel right to me, and I wasn't having bridesmaids or groomsmen so it made sense to walk by myself.
No one in my family was ever there for me, so why wouldn't I walk towards my next chapter alone like I did my adult life? He was disappointed but was OK with it. I told him we can have a dance if that was good with him, and he agreed.
I told him everyone on my mom's side was excited to be able to see him again after so many years. Him and my mother have been cordial for years at this point, so there was no animosity.
He set up a dinner and had me and Victor over. It went very well. I was actually feeling positive about everything. We made plans for him to meet Victors parents. It was a big deal because we had to travel to a different state to bring them. We made plans to make the trip, and coordinated everything.
The week before the meeting, my father wanted to cancel. He said Debbie was having an exploratory surgery and she wouldn't be recovered in time. I said we had already made these plans but that's OK, and asked if we could just drive by and he could just step outside his home and say hi.
Victors father (who is in his 70s) was having an extensive surgery himself, so it was important to meet him now before he had it. He begrudgingly agreed. When we pulled up, I was surprised she came out with him and looked completely fine.
No bandages, walked fine, no indication of anything. I thought that was odd, but who am I to judge? They both came out, said hi, and we moved on. He made plans over the course of the next few months. Every time, the week of, he would cancel.
The excuses started pouring out: his friends car broke down and he needed to lend him money (we offered to pay for dinner but they declined), Debbie was have exploratory surgery again (how many can one person have?!), Debbie had a Dr's appointments that he just found out about, they have to take the car to the shop, etc.
Lies he had told over and over again, some he reused from when I was growing up with him and I knew he was lying. His favorite lies were always medical. He wanted to treat me for my birthday in the summer, but that never happened.
After we had to reschedule three times I said just forget it, we'll see you at the wedding. He started to be drunk on his phone calls again. Started being argumentative again. But he was excited for the wedding! He was going to make a nice trip out of it with Debbie and stay a few days.
Three weeks before my wedding I got a phone call from Debbie (they share a phone). As soon as I picked up she demanded to know why I didn't tell anyone that the parking garage next to the hotel we had a room block in charged $25 a day to park.
I was dumbstruck because firstly, I had no idea that the hotel didn't comp that - we live local to the venue so we were just going home after the wedding. Second, it's a major city - of course they're going to charge. And honestly $25 isn't that bad for the city. Thirdly, why are you calling me to complain about this? No one else had. I can't exactly change it.
I told her I had no idea, that no one else who booked at the hotels had told me, and that $25 was actually a pretty good deal. I told her that if they couldn't afford it, it wasn't that big a deal - maybe they only stay one day, or because they only live an hour from the venue they didn't have to stay at the hotel. The venue itself has free parking. She hung up on me.
We were getting married on Sunday in early November. The Tuesday before the wedding, I got a phone call from my father that I missed because I was having an emergency Dr's appointment due to having been in the hospital the day before (stress from everything exacerbated a prior medical issue), and instead received a text.
The text said he wasn't coming to my wedding. That Debbie was having exploratory surgery and they couldn't come. That he would still send a card. I knew then that he was lying as he had lied the whole year. I texted back begging him to come. I wanted him to come, it wasn't about money.
That I'm his daughter, and this was the biggest day of my life. To come for even an hour! Debbie would be fine for a short time, she has family that could watch her for a couple hours. He didn't have to stay! He replied that it's not a contest of whose more important, and he was surprised at me.
I gave my wonderful Victor my phone while I was sobbing. I couldn't respond, I was hurting and devastated. He articulated a text, showed it to me for approval then sent it. It said basically, very politely but firmly, that if he couldn't spare a couple hours of his time to see me on the biggest day of my life, then we will go back to no contact and I will never again speak to him.
My mother (whose her own story for another day) even called him to scream at him for what he was doing. She knew his lies too, and called him out on them. He said "don't worry she'll still get a card".
I kept him unblocked up until mid morning the day of my wedding. Not one message, not one call. I was so upset and angry. He had raised my hopes of having my father be there for me then killed those hopes without a thought. I blocked him the day of my wedding.
My wedding day was absolutely perfect. It was everything we wanted. I felt a little sad right before walking down the aisle, and some friends who didn't know about my father asked me where he was. But other than that I didn't even think of him.
It wasn't until after Thanksgiving that I thought to check my blocked messages. He hadn't sent me one message the day of my wedding wishing me luck, nothing. But he did send one message on Thanksgiving.
To summarize, it said "Debbie will always come first! You should understand that." I don't understand it. I told my brother who still talks to him that he is dead to me, and if he asks - to tell him that.
My brother thinks that Debbie is the one preventing my father from being with his family. I quite frankly don't care. He made that decision, and these are the consequences. He asked my brother "how much of a wave he made not coming" and my brother told him "a big wave. But I'm not talking about it."
So I made the decision my father will no longer be in my life, and I have so many emotions about it. But it's mostly relief, sadness and anger. But I can't help but occasionally check my blocked messages now because some part of me just wants to know if he knows how badly he hurt me. Or if he even cares.
And some days I just want my dad. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by cutting him out of my life. AITA for erasing him completely forever going forward? Am I doing the right thing? And no, we still haven't gotten that card. Got a Happy Easter text though.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
This does not belong in AITA at all. Cause you are not. Not one shred of AH. My heart just goes out to you. I hope you and Victor have a beautiful life together and that someday this won’t hurt. It probably will for a long time, but I hope you are comforted in knowing that by cutting him out of your life, he can never hurt you like that again.
Mourn this loss, and build your own beautiful life with people who you love that love you back. If you plan to have kids you will be doing them a favor by protecting them from this debbie fueled disappointment of a human.
You are NTA. My dad cut me out of his life COMPLETELY for 17 years because his crazy new wife decided not to like me (I was my dad's "favorite", so she felt threatened by me - ? -)
We recently started trying to have some sort of relationship, but I will never trust him again. One more sus move, and he'll be out of my life forever. I'm sorry your dad is as cowardly as mine is.
Now, the hard part...Daddy ratted himself out with one thing he said. He asked your brother how big a wave his absence made. Uh-huh. There it is. And you played right into it, by begging him to come to your wedding. This was never about you; it was about him, and how long he could keep you twisting.
He also harpooned himself, because I suspect you have had enough. I hope he and his wife think it was all worth it, because that is all they will have to hang onto. And you have no reason to mourn. One only mourns what one has lost. And you cannot lose what you never had. I hope your new life is long and beautiful and rewarding and joyful.
Six months later, the OP returned with an update.
First, I want to thank you for all your comments and advice. The fact that any of the Waffle Gang took the time to write me a comment meant the world to me. You all truly encouraged me and strengthened my resolve.
Right after my post, I had a good talk with Victor, and he echoed everything you all said. I even looked into deleting my father's number permanently from my phone, but apparently that would unblock him.
After a lot of reading through the comments and reflecting on what everyone said, I really started to think why I ever thought I was the AH for cutting him off. Well. I guess I have my answer.
My brother Devin (30) is really impressionable. He lives with my mother, and while living with my mother can be a nightmare, they were doing well. My brother means a lot to me, I gave up school, a career and took on three jobs to be able to help raise him for a few years with my dad after my parents divorce.
He has always struggled to truly be independent. Mostly due to my father's coddling most of his life. He was The Golden Child. The only Boy. In an attempt to help him succeed, some family members (moms side) decided to step up and get him out of my mother's house, and support him to a move to a warmer state to rent with some cousins.
They even paid for him to fly out to the new state and see if he wanted to move. When he got home, he apparently went straight to my father's and spent four days there. I have no idea why.
I called up my brother a few days after he returned back to my mother's. He said he was really looking forward to moving to the new state. After talking to him a bit, I mentioned that I was happy for him, but really sad I'd be loosing one of my close family member I talk to.
His response?
"Well I'm the only family member who still talks to Dad so imagine how HE feels."
I was stunned.
I said, "Im sorry, what did you say?"
He got angry and just said "Well when I move Dad will really have no one. Because you refuse to talk to him even though it's been months. You really should feel bad for him. He doesn't understand how you can still be mad at him."
All those feelings came flooding back. The doubt. The guilt. The am I doing the right thing.
And then the anger came.
In that moment I realized that this is what my family normally does to me. And what my father normally does. He plays the victim. Makes everyone feel bad for him. Even though I am in the right, I am made to feel like a POS for having boundaries.
I took a breath and explained to my brother "Devin, dad made his choice. He chose this. I was open to him being a dad, he declined that. He didn't want to be in my life, he has no right to complain.
HE did this to himself. I don't care if Debbie made him not go or not, he's a grown ass man. And he didn't go to his own daughters wedding. So he can stay dead to me, it was his choice."
My brother didn't have anything to say to that. Just rushed me off the phone with barely a goodbye. Hung up after I barely got the words love you out. I told Victor what Devin said and he was appalled. He wished I had taken the call near him so he could speak to my brother himself.
I told him that my father brainwashed him. That he's not normally like this. He reminded me that Devin is a grown man, and not a child anymore. And that I shouldn't excuse what he said. I became so upset. My resolve shaken once again.
I felt awkward about the phone call, so I followed up the next day. He wanted to move the beginning of June. I asked him to visit before he goes from a car ride away distance away to a plane ride, and he said he would see me mid-May for his yearly visit to me like always.
Then a week before our normal visit date, I found out from my mother my brother texted her and told her he plans to move in four days and make the multi-day long drive to the new state.
So he lied to me, and didn't even plan on seeing me to say goodbye. Victor had no words, just that he's incredibly disappointed in my brother.My brother called me the day before he left. He sounded so happy saying "Hey what's up?"
I told him "we'll honestly I'm a little hurt and disappointed in you right now because I'm assuming you're calling to tell me you're leaving tomorrow and you're not even bothering to say goodbye to me."
He then was adamant that he told me. Then when I pointed out that he didn't, he erupted in anger at me saying I always play the victim, and why wasn't I happy for him leaving, and how dare I make him feel guilty (almost word for word what my father would say).
I told him I'm thrilled he's moving and having a new opportunity. I'm upset he's telling me 12 hours before he's leaving and not saying goodbye when he literally has to pass within 20 mins of where I live when he leaves.
After I started crying my brother apologized for not telling me. I offered to be up at whatever time he needed. I just wanted to hug him goodbye. He declined. Said he'd be back eventually. Victor was listening and was getting angry at my brother and how he was speaking to me. He's so agitated with him and is hoping he starts acting like an adult in the new state.
It's been months now since he moved. I've heard nothing from my father. My brother and I talked occasionally on the phone with me checking in especially that first month. He is struggling where he is to get a full time job, but he is doing everything he can to at least pay rent. He became busy in the last month so I hadn't heard from him in a while.
My birthday came, he sent me a happy birthday text and said he'd call later. At 11:45pm I finally got a call from him. I was in the middle of a video game match with friends, after a brief chat I asked if he was free the next night.
He said yes so I told him I would call him the next day for a proper catch up because he caught me in the middle of something. He hung up me, and didn't answer my call the next day. I haven't tried to call since.
(I did check for this post, and I did not recieve any messages from my father. Not since his Happy Easter. Ever since him and my mother separated, he has always forgotten my birthday anyway.)
I'm at a loss. I don't know what I did wrong, or what I did to deserve this treatment from him. Is this all because I won't forgive my father? And I just sitting here just.... Sad. All I've ever wanted is my family to love me, and I don't know what to do next.
If you have advice for me, I just ask you say it kindly.
My heart is rather full of emotions at the moment.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s first update:
Sometimes blood is just a stain. Just let your husband and who comes into your life in a positive way be your family. I know easier said then done but they only cause you pain. Also counseling should be considered because you are internalizing and blaming yourself for their failings.
You already know what to do, but your heart is scared. Your brother’s actions demonstrate his choice. Go NC with your brother. There are choices and consequences. You have sacrificed. Focus on your husband and your mother and focus on moving forward.
Otherwise you enable and reward bad behaviour. When you have your own kids, you will realise how little time or energy you have for this nonsense. Every moment spent with those that you love and love you in return is limited and finite. Don’t waste your precious moments.
You did nothing wrong and you did nothing to deserve this treatment. If you have made any mistakes here it is simply in extending the benefit of the doubt to people that never deserved it. Your brother, unfortunately, takes after your father and is under his influence.
I mean this gently, but your father and brother are selfish, self absorbed POSs. What you do now is get therapy, enjoy the love of the good man you married and rest safe in the knowledge that you have done everything you could, but your family still let you down because they are incapable of appreciating the love of a good person like you.
Another six months later, the OP returned with their final update.
My brother: In early October my brother called me, and was saying how he wasn't doing well in the new state, and he basically wanted to come back home. In a way, I wonder if he was fishing to live with me and Victor so he didn't have to return to my mother - but I would never live with him ever again.
I basically just told him to talk to our mother and work out a plan to come back if that's what he wants to do. I'm through trying to fix things for him. He promised to return for Christmas. Which of course, didn't happen.
I haven't heard from him since. I've gotten the group holiday texts, but I absolutely refuse to reach out. He has broken every promise he gave me, and I am finally feeling strong enough to distance myself. Through my mother I found out he got a better job and was looking to stay there. I guess I wasn't needed anymore so that's why I haven't gotten a phone call or text.
And then just yesterday I found out he isn't working anymore because his car has finally became a paperweight (a 20 year old car that he never took care of. My mother used to force him to get oil changes and basic maintenance, and now without my mom there to annoy him into adulting - it finally died).
So I feel at this point either my uncle is going to help him with a vehicle, or he's going to try and move back. I will bet money he will try to move in with my father if he does return. If that's the case, I do feel they will both join forces to try and manipulate me into forgiving them and using me.
My father: He actually has been trying to reach out. I have recieved multiple texts from him every holiday saying how much he loves me and "will love me always" and wishes me and Victor well. I also keep getting calls and silent voicemails from random numbers.
My sister even met with him for the first time in years because my niece wanted to meet him. He tried again to justify not going to my wedding, and my sister told him that there was zero excuse. He should have gone to the ceremony at the very least.
He kept trying to defend himself, but my sister kept shutting him down saying he could have made at least a minimum effort. While I'm not close with my sister, I greatly appreciated her saying that for me. Overall she said he behaved himself and was fine.
I actually was doing really good about not checking the messages, but I still once in a while have my curiosity get the better of me. Victor gets mad at me when I check. He wants me to not get sucked in again with either my brother or father. He still plans on having a chat with my brother next time we see him.
I do feel myself starting to feel bad. My anger just isn't as sharp anymore. But I'm holding strong reminding myself that I seem to only be his daughter when it's convenient. And that to me isn't a father. But, I'm still just a girl who wants her dad, and I am trying so hard to not fall back into his perpetual pit of jerkishness.
Me: not going to lie, I've been lonely. All of my friends after the wedding have disappeared. I reach out to them asking how they're doing and get one word answers back which hurts. I've been trying to make new ones, but it's been hard.
I spend most of my days either working at home online for our business, or playing video games alone or with Victor. I love my husband, but sometimes I just want a girl day. My self confidence has plummeted. I don't like what I see in the mirror anymore. We've been trying for a kid with zero luck, so that's taken a hit with my mental health as well.
But I am actually going to my first therapy session next month which I am incredibly excited about! So unfortunately my saga isn't over. If something major happens I'll definitely let you waffles know!
ETA: At your recommendations, I did reach out again to my friends. I saw they were playing a game together on discord they hadn't invited me to. I joined the chat and told them I missed them and was wondering if I had done anything wrong. They assured me that everything is fine, and are now making time to talk to me more. So I'm happy about that!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s final update:
While I can understand the concept of wanting your dad, sometimes it's just better to cut out the toxicity. Blood doesn't make family, it just means you share DNA. Personally I've cut out my own toxic family (father included) and my life is all the better for it. Don't let them manipulate their way back in.
OP really needs therapy, she fell for his love bombing and by her own admission would be easily sucked back in. With a good therapist i hope she can find the resolve to close the door for good.
As someone who's done it: you tend to self-isolate when you're heavily depressed. You don't reach out to anyone, so no one hears from you, so they don't know something is wrong or that you're lonely. GOTTA reach out and say hi once in a while.
It's pretty clear that her family life just left her feeling... unloved, unimportant. She still looks at the blocked messages because she wants to know her dad cares. He won't, ever, but that doesn't stop her from looking. It's a good thing she's going into therapy, though this might be heavy-duty enough for anti-depressants.