Man's questions marriage after haircut leads to husband demanding he shave his head as punishment. Red Flag? UPDATED 2X
"AITA for cutting my hair without telling my husband first?"
TheGramarNasi
I (29M) was running some errands today and spontaneously decided to get a haircut. My hair wasn’t that long (only to my chin), but it’s been bothering me for a while now. It’s not a drastic difference, just a little shorter and a more conveniently masculine style. I didn’t even think about telling my husband (41M) before doing it.
When I got home and he saw my new haircut, he immediately became livid. I asked him if he liked it and he said he didn’t. He asked what I’d been thinking cutting off my hair without talking to him first. I honestly didn’t think it’d be such a big deal because it’s just hair and it’ll grow back eventually.
But when I told him that he completely freaked out and said if I didn’t care about it, I should just cut all of it off. I’m now locked in the bathroom until I shave my head. I’m honestly in a bit of a shock because I didn’t expect this to escalate this way. I don’t want to shave my head but I also don’t want to stay in the bathroom forever. Is it really such a big deal that I didn’t talk to my husband beforehand?
Update: I decided that it’s not worth to fight over this so I’m just going to shave it off. I kind of made it a bigger issue than it should’ve been anyway. I’m sorry for wasting your time. Also, I’m not a woman.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
DivineByZero
Babe, RUN. I mean it. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. If you have your phone with you, call your emergency number NOW and get them to send the police. Then pack your stuff while they watch, and leave. Never look back.
There are so many red flags in this post, it’s basically a Macy’s parade. This doesn’t get better, only worse. Please, for the love of all things cute and fluffy, get out now. NTA.
OLDLADY88888
I read your comment saying that you’re a man. That really doesn’t matter. Your husband is abusive and you should GET OUT NOW.
spetzie55
Yep it's all about control. I doubt the haircut is any worse than a complete shave is and yet he is demanding you shave your hair....why? Because he didn't get to say yes or no first? Yeah that's a no.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
TheGramarNasi
Where is the line between controlling and abusive? My husband and I had a fight yesterday. It wasn’t even anything serious, but it escalated a little. I got a haircut without talking to him about it first, and he got mad about it. I then made it worse by saying that it’s not a big deal and just hair that will grow back so he made me shave my head to prove his point.
He’s always been a little neurotic about things like plans and giving him a heads up before I do anything. He generally doesn’t like it when I do things he hasn’t approved first, like when I order something at a restaurant or when I make plans with people he doesn’t know that well.
But that’s just how he is. I guess he’s a micromanager and can be a little uptight about things but I never took any of that as abusive. When I made a post on reddit about our fight yesterday a lot of comments said he’s abusive.
I don’t think I’m being abused though. He never gets violent with me or forces me to do things I don’t want to. But it got me thinking that maybe there are things I should look out for in case he ever changes.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's first update:
Ok_Introduction9466
There is no line. Control is abuse. And…he made you shave your head? That’s pretty horrifying. None of this is normal, you can’t order a meal without running it by him? You’re not a child. This is absolutely abuse. The forced hair shaving is a serious red flag and you should speak to a therapist on your own (he might not even let you do that — another red flag).
Seriously get your ducks in a row and divorce him. You don’t have to run this by him. He’s not neurotic, he’s an abuser. Plain and simple. You’re under reacting to how scary his behavior is. Please read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft.
mandaay_
He made you.... anything, that is controlling. He MADE you SHAVE your head. 100% that is emotional abuse. You better run.
imma2lils
What would have happened if you hadn't shaved your head? You are saying that he isn't really controlling and doesn't make you do things, yet you also said he MADE you shave your head. In order to make you do something, he must be making you feel fear of not doing it, or else you wouldn't do it.
A month later, the OP returned with their final update.
TheGramarNasi
You were right, I left him. I just wanted to let you know that you were right. After what happened last month things kept getting worse. Last night we had another fight that escalated, and after I was released from the hospital, I went straight to my sister’s house.
Tomorrow, her and her boyfriend are coming with me to collect some of my stuff. I’d like to think that I would’ve left him without your comments on my last post but I’m honestly not completely sure if I wouldn’t have just tried to find excuses for his behavior. So thank you for that.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final post:
SmartQuokka
We have generational trauma for breakfast. This is how it generally starts, one small thing leads to another. Then the demands slowly grow as does the rage...
byneothername
I don’t disagree with you but for the sake of clarification to the broader audience here*, I want to state that locking someone in a bathroom until they shave their head is actually a huge deal. Poor OP really minimized it.
perfidious_snatch
Briefly possessed by the chaotic god of baking. He didn’t force me to shave my head, he just held me captive until I did it. It’s totally different! So relieved that OP is away from his abuser, and I hope his posts and the responses to them will help others identify red flags in their own relationships and get out early.
PuffinScores
I felt so bad reading his words, with him taking the blame and beating himself up for mishandling everything. I'm glad he posted and got other perspectives that put his situation in a clear light.
My heart hurt a lot when I read, "Last night we had another fight that escalated, and after I was released from the hospital, I went straight to my sister’s house." Ouch, OP. I'm glad you're out!
blue_sea_shells
Breakups - even with bad people - SUCK. Nobody gives their heart to someone wanting it back - never mind bruised and battered. It's normal to feel sad and to grieve. I'm incredibly PROUD of your courage and willingness to take care of yourself.