'AITA for cutting my mom out of my life because she chose my ex over her own daughter?'

"AITA for cutting my mom out of my life because she chose my ex over her own daughter?"

I (38F) was in a 2-year relationship with a jealous, narcissistic man who had a young son. During those two years, my parents absolutely adored both him and his child. They even took his son during school holidays and treated him like family.

When I finally ended the relationship — because his jealousy and control became unbearable — my parents were devastated. I had to explain my reasons in front of my ex, and during that conversation he actually said, in front of my parents, that his jealousy “wouldn’t have happened if our bed life had been better.” Yes. He really said that.

My mom, who was extremely attached to his son, insisted on keeping contact and even offered to continue having him during school holidays. I wasn’t against it — the kid needed stability and structure, something his dad didn’t give him. For info, his kid was an accident and he never wanted him.

Out of pity, I also let my ex stay in the small apartment we co-owned because he was still in an internship and needed time to find a place. Long story short, things escalated (police involved), and he eventually moved out three months later… into an apartment with his new girlfriend. Since January three years ago, we’ve had zero contact — thank god.

Fast-forward to Easter that same year: at the family table, my mom casually tells his son that she’d gladly invite his dad and girlfriend over to the house. I was stunned, hurt and asked why the hell would she do this? She answered back: "It's for the well-being of the kid, to keep things nice."

Then December comes. I arrive for Christmas and notice my mom still has photos of my ex displayed. Again, I say nothing. But during dessert, his son asks my dad if he’s going to drink the wine his dad gave him as a gift, and my dad replies he'll wait to drink it “with him here at the house.” That was it for me. I walked away from the table, furious and hurt.

My parents followed me to talk. I expressed how devastated I was that they kept prioritizing my ex and dismissing everything their own daughter went through, mentally and physically. My dad realized what he did and apologized, sincerely, immediately. My mom didn’t. She told me it was her house and she had the right to invite whomever she wanted.

I told her a family home should be a safe place, and I clearly didn’t feel safe anymore. So I left. And I haven’t gone back since. Last November, she sent me a two-page letter — no apology, just telling me I should return to therapy. I confronted her in person, and for 25 minutes she repeated the same thing: “I can welcome whoever I love into my home.”

So I walked away again. At Christmas of last year, her twin sister asked if I was coming, and when I asked if my ex would be there, she said the same thing: “It’s my house, I’ll invite who I want.” So I cut contact with her, too. (Yes, she also had a good relationship with my ex and his son too).

I only talk to my dad now. He keeps saying that I should “get over it " and it's not such of a big deal. I’m questioning myself, so here I am. AITA for going no-contact with my mom because she chose my ex over me?

This is what people had to say to OP:

FormSuccessful1122 said:

NTA I don't blame you at all. And it was inappropriate for your parents to develop that kind of bond with his kid to begin with. You were never married and only together for two years. Yet they're treating this child like their own.

OP responded:

Yes, my mom is quite frustrated that I am childfree. I've got my tubes tied, and i guess she decided to get a grandchild of her own in another way... Thank you for your answer, very helpful.

strgirl555 said:

NTA, your whole family is though. Which sucks and probably feels lonely, but it's better to have self-respect and be alone than give in to the toxicity.

OP responded:

Agreed! Thank you very much for your insight!

HygorBohmHubner said:

Time to cut your dad off, too. If he thinks you have to “get over it”, he still thinks what he and your mom did is right. NTA.

And Gold_Answer5577 said:

Oy, that’s a toxic situation. NTA. Your mom sounds like she needs help.

The next day, OP shared this update:

This morning I woke up to tons of comments, and I’m still reading through them. Thank you all for your help and insights. I really appreciate it. I had already talked to my friends and have the support of one of my cousins, but you never really know if they’re being fully honest with you or just supporting you because they care.

So getting perspectives from people out of my circle helped me realize that this situation is really toxic and that I’m right to protect myself. This gives me also the opportunity of collecting data because my dad (67) keeps insisting that the family should “get back together” and have dinner.

He told me that my mom (61) didn’t appreciate being told what to do in her own home and still can’t understand why I’m distant. I told him that she probably has Alzheimer or not willing to look herself in the mirror, I that I needed to remind him that she made her choice when she chose my ex over me, and that everyone around me also finds her behavior not good.

Recently, he told me that family and friends don’t understand my own behavior towards them. I told him that if he refuses to understand, I’ll just go public with the story and let people judge for themselves. Like I said, i don't know if it will bring a light up, but always good to try.

Some suggested family therapy, while others said it wouldn’t help. I’m still thinking about it. 15 Years ago, we did therapy for issues between my dad and brother, but I felt completely left out, because everything revolved around them. Maybe therapy could help with confrontation, or maybe it’s better to go fully no contact and protect my peace.

I still have to decide...but this event happened a few months ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I cried with relief but also felt anger. My brother was diagnosed early and got all the support he needed. Meanwhile, when i struggled in school, I was called lazy.

Later, at 21, I was diagnosed with dyslexia, which proved my mom wrong after years of dismissing me. When she learned recently through my dad about my ADHD diagnosis, she took my dad’s phone and left a message in our private conversation saying it was “not new,” that I had been tested at six, and that I “shouldn’t make such a fuss.” I was furious and felt betrayed.

My brother got support and I felt that I got neglected. That was the last straw. Any remaining trust shattered. So, I really wonder if family therapy could repair this. I’ve started setting boundaries. I refused to give them my new address to avoid unsolicited visits or mail, and I’m protecting my peace as much as possible.

Some of you said that if my dad tells me to “get over it,” it means he’s siding with my mom. I’m still not sure and wondering. I think he’s trying to avoid conflict more than anything. He has his own way of thinking and seems to struggle to see the full picture. Part of me wonders if I’m making excuses because it’s hard to cut ties with someone who apologized and validated my feelings.

But also, I feel that he was never diagnosed too.

To clarify more details: according to my dad, my ex never came to their house. The problem is, I don’t know if I can trust him. I don’t know if he’s saying this to convince me to come back or if it’s actually true. It still doesn’t mean they didn't invite him.

I’m childfree and had my tubes tied a long time ago. I love kids (I work with them), and I accepted my ex’s child with open arms. But my mom always wanted to be a grandma. I always said my brother would have kids, but not me. So as many of you pointed out, she’s fulfilling her “grandma dream” with my ex’s child… and she also seems to have a savior complex, trying to “save” the child from his home.

She knew about my ex’s aggressive behavior. I told her and even showed her physical evidence: the fist mark in the bed frame, the hole he kicked in the door, proof of his anger management.

About my ex’s new girlfriend and his child: I heard he didn’t let her get too close. My interpretation is that he wanted to make sure the holidays stayed “his,” keeping the child with my parents and preventing a bond with the new girlfriend. To this day, the child still spends school holidays with my parents.

A few months ago, I confronted my dad about something else. Another woman contacted me because she was dating my ex a few months back and felt that something was off. She found my contact info through social media. To avoid responsibility and being authentic (as usual), my ex told her he was struggling emotionally because his mother had “recently died.”

She hadn’t (i still have access to her social media and she is posting). It was just another manipulative lie. My dad doubted the story until I showed him the messages. I don’t know if he ever told my mom.

It took me 2 years and a half to reconstruct myself after this bad relationship, and i have found a new family, with a real man who is caring, loving and protective. With whom treats me with respect and trustworthy.

I felt like every time I tried to set boundaries, I’m made to feel like i'm the problem. But reading everyone’s comments has helped me see that my feelings are valid, and that stepping back doesn’t make me a bad person. Thank you for everything. I will make an update if anything changes. Take care all of you and again, gratitude to all.