'AITA for cutting off my BFF after she talked to my cheating ex-husband behind my back?' UPDATED

"AITA for Cutting Off My Best Friend After She Talked to My Cheating Ex-Husband Behind My Back and Made Hurtful Comments?"

I (37F) left my husband (38M) earlier this year after discovering he was cheating on me with someone from his workplace. We were together for 12 years, married for 8, and I truly thought we were solid. Finding out he was sneaking around, lying to me for months, was the most gut-wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced. I found out over Christmas last year.

When I decided to leave, I asked my friends for one simple favor: please don’t maintain a relationship with him. I didn’t think it was unreasonable—he betrayed me, and I needed my friends to have my back as I tried to pick up the pieces of my life. Most of them understood, but one of my closest friends, "Sarah" (38F), completely ignored my request.

Here’s the thing: Sarah and I have been best friends for over 15 years, but she’s always had a weird dynamic when it came to my relationships. She used to make comments about how she was "jealous" that I always ended up with "the good-looking guys" and would sometimes joke that she "had a connection" with my ex even before he and I got together.

I used to laugh it off even though it made me feel belittled, thinking she didn’t mean anything by it, but now I’m not so sure. After the split, I started noticing Sarah acting strangely. She’d casually drop things into conversations that only my ex would know, like details about his new job or what he’s been up to lately. When I asked her about it, she brushed it off and said she read it on his social media.

Eventually, a mutual friend told me Sarah had been texting him regularly and even meeting for coffee. When I confronted her, she admitted it but tried to downplay it, saying, “We were friends long before you and him got together.” She said, “I’m not going to throw away my connection with him just because you two didn’t work out.”

What hurt even more was when she added, “I don’t get why you’re so upset—he’s still a great guy, and you need to stop being so controlling.” She said I was being “too emotional” about the divorce and accused me of forcing her to pick sides. Then she told me to stop always being the victim.

Here’s what really hurts: I don’t know what she’s been telling him about me. I confided in Sarah about everything—how hard it’s been to start over, how anxious I feel about my finances, and how much I’ve struggled with therapy. The thought that she might’ve shared those deeply personal things with the man who destroyed me makes me sick.

I told her I couldn’t trust her anymore and I stopped speaking to her. Now she’s texting me, saying she misses our friendship and thinks I’m being unreasonable for cutting her off. So, AITA for walking away from Sarah? Was I too harsh, or did she cross a major line here?

TLDR: I (37F) left my cheating husband and asked my best friend (38F) not to stay in contact with him. She ignored my request, continued talking to him, and even made comments about how she "had a connection with him before we even got together." I cut her off because I can't trust her, but now she’s texting me saying I’m being unreasonable. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

thatfatpenguin said:

NTA. She definitely wants to get with him. Let her find out that once a cheater always a cheater. Don't let her come back into your life once she realizes.

Dear_Parsnip_6802 said:

NTA. If she's telling you stuff about him, she is most likely telling him stuff about you. You are right to distance yourself from her. She wants to stay friends with a cheater even telling you he's a great guy. That tells you everything you need to know about her character. Maybe block her if she keeps reaching out.

writing_mm_romance said:

Are you sure they weren't sleeping together too?

OP responded:

Fairly sure. She is in a relationship with someone else and she seems pretty committed to him. My ex never showed any interest in her, it was always her with the insistence that they had a "connection".

Turpitudia79 said:

I had a “friend” like this too except my ex and I split on friendly terms and he’s the one who told me directly that she was talking smack about me. NTA, your “friend” AND your ex are HUGE ones!!

And Temporary-Cap1881 said:

NTA!!! It sounds like she has been incredibly jealous of you for a long time. The marriage "just didn't work out." He betrayed you and his vows. You have every reason to be emotional over being betrayed like that.

You have every right to walk away from someone who not only ignores your request not to talk to your ex but says some demeaning things. She is the one who didn't value your friendship, so why is she saying she misses your friendship? She is downplaying how much she hurt you. Don't talk to her again.

She later shared this update:

Sarah sent me a long text message this week, apologizing and wanting to regain my trust. She said that she missed me and wanted to know what she could do. After considering her words, (which on the surface sounded sincere) and remembering everything that was said on this comment thread,

I wrote back a reply that in essence said, "I don't trust you, I don't see a path forward, you have hurt me deeply and betrayed my trust and I do not want to try and reconcile."

Her reply back (and the final nail in the coffin of what I thought was a sincere friendship) was to attack me, bring up old sins from the past that were dead and buried (saying she only did what she did because she was angry for something she said I did YEARS ago) and tried to minimize what she had done or deflect blame.

It was mean, and petty, and after I read it, I closed the message and just simply carried on with my life. Part of leaving my cheating husband was coming to terms with who I am, and what kind of treatment I am willing to tolerate. I don't need friends like her and I am at a place of peace about how this turned out. I didn't lose a friend, I gained some self-respect.