'AITA for cutting off my close friend after she booked her wedding 6 days before mine?' UPDATED

"AITA for wanting to cut off my close friend after she booked their wedding 6 days before mine?"

I (29 F) have this friend (30 F) who booked their wedding date 6 days before ours. For background, his boyfriend, I and my fiance went to the same university. We're not that close but fast forward, the 4 of us are currently working abroad and became close over the span of 2 years. Close friends as in we were together for almost every week for that period.

My fiance and I got engaged last June and we booked the date, venue and other major suppliers on the same month. We immediately told our friend group about the date so that they can plot it in their calendar ahead of time. I have been sharing every detail to this close friend of mine since she already appointed herself as one of my bridesmaids (which I really intend to).

Then 4 months after, this close friend of mine got engaged which I'm obviously happy with until she told me a month ago that they picked a date which is 6 DAYS BEFORE OURS. I was so shocked because it seems like she didn't consider the people around her.

We have common friends who will both be attending on our wedding and both of our wedding will be held at the same city, 4 hours away from the metro. I immediately told her that I might not be on her wedding since for sure I'll be busy a week before my wedding since I have no coordinator.

I live abroad & will held our wedding in our home country which I only took a work leave for 3 weeks max. There's a lot to do for last minute preparations. After telling her that, she replied to me "It's okay I understand" then goes out to my room as if the info she told me is only an "FYI" which hurts me a little more because she doesn't care if I'll be at her wedding or not.

She's in my bridesmaids list but I'm planning to remove her due to this. I didn't talk to her about this but I've been hurting since then. At the end of the day, its not within my control. She can pick any date she wants but I just hope she considered me in any way.

So AITA for having this feeling? What should I do? How can I tell her about removing her on my list without getting into these details? I played in my mind what if I open up my feelings to her but I think she'll play the victim or as if I'm overreacting.

What do you think? AITA for wanting to cut her friend off over this transgression? This is what commenters had to say:

Tinpot_creos said:

It will only be a drama if you make it a drama and try and accommodate things you actually really can’t. Be prepared to be brutal and honest with her. If she wants to plan something when you physically can’t be there, don’t go, don’t make a fuss and obviously prioritise your own wedding/planning/events etc.

eeyorespiglet said:

Tell her you removed her so she doesn’t have to cut her honeymoon short. End of discussion.

Lisa_Knows_Best said:

If she's getting married 6 days before you she will not be available to be a proper bridesmaid. Just tell her that. She can put it together herself. NTA.

Maleficent_Pay_4154 said:

NTA. And she’s not your friend

And sushi2467 said:

She’s not a friend. And self-appointed bridesmaid? Time to tell her she’s not a bridesmaid and no longer invited.

Five months later, she shared this update:

Hello! Just wanted to give an update. Thank you for all the insights regarding my previous post. So at first, I didn’t cutoff my “close friend” because I’m trying my best to remind myself that this is their wedding, not mine so I have no control over it. But something definitely changed between us, I know she knows it too.

Few months later, her fiance messaged & asked my fiance to be his groomsman. He even requested for my fiance to allot at least 2-3 days of his time to prepare as a groomsman. My blood boiled, they set their wedding 6 days before ours then he had the audacity to ask for the prep days?

Take note, that’s for the role of an entourage, so they knew that a groom needs maybe more than 6 days to prep for his own wedding. My fiance politely declined and explained that we have things to polish days before our wedding since we have no coordinator and we have a lot of things to do - last minute prep.

This girl also asked me about being a bridesmaid but I politely declined as well. She lowkey asked me if they’re still invited but indirectly told her that we will remove them on our list and we’re considering that they’re on their honeymoon anyways. I was furious again on how inconsiderate they are so I decided to talk to her to open up about how I felt.

So we went for a coffee and talked about the issue. None of us said sorry. She told me that if she was in my shoes, she wouldn’t feel mad about what they did. She feels like based on my personality, I was just too emotional as a person that’s why I took it the way I did. She really wishes me to be part of her entourage & thought that 6 days is enough.

I told her it’s easier to think that when your wedding is on the first few days of the week and not on the latter. His fiance even asked 3 days for prep as a groosman so they know that a groom needs to prep more than 6 days especially if there’s last minute things that we need to handle.

After the talk, I realized that our EQ weren’t just the same because I would never be so inconsiderate to a close friend of mine. We’re not going to each other’s wedding but we’ll support each other as a bride. I recommended suppliers that she still needs and she does the same.

After that talk, I took a step back to our friendship and went back to being an acquaintance. I never had a friend like that, I focused on my true friends but somehow I still feel bad about it.

This is what commenters had to say about the update:

Secret_Double_9239 said:

She sounds like she was turning the wedding into a contest, people like her are just exhausting.

OP responded:

I feel like she’s not, actually I’m hoping she’s not that petty. She told me that for her, the 6 days wasn’t a big deal she understands that it’s big deal to me. Idk haha that’s why I came to the conclusion that we’re not just on the same level of EQ or maybe we weren’t that close as much as it seems to me (but she told me she was the closest to me here) 🤷🏻‍♀️

Cpt_Wade115 said:

Nothing you said sounds unreasonable to me. I’m a guy, and my fiance has been doing the preliminary research for venues and dates atm, but I’m almost positive she’d have a worse reaction to this scenario than what you’ve described here. Is what it is unfortunately. Sorry to hear it.

OP responded:

I lose it real bad at first (only opened it to my fiance and some of my hs friends - not our common friends) but I tried to let it slip until his fiance asked mine to give him 2-3 days for prep as a groomsman. Because this means they know the prep period for a wedding but still managed to downplay things.

It’s like it’s only in my head hahaha trust me I was crying for days. It’s not that they book that date, it’s the sense of consideration to at least give us a heads up or somewhat since we’re seeing almost on a weekly basis (twice or thrice a week)

zeiaxar said:

The way you reacted wasn't an "emotional" response. An emotional response would have you getting physical with her over her choice of date. It would have been screaming at her that she's a piece of shit, a worthless friend, etc. Your reaction was rational. It was reasonable. Even if you did get emotional over their actions, you didn't let your emotions dictate the way you responded to their actions.

Tbh, I'd bet good money they didn't even set a date until they knew yours, and that no matter what date you set, they probably would've pulled a stunt like this. Why? You said that you all share mutual friends. My guess is that she was wanting to pull attention away from your wedding, and is hoping that she can get mutuals to pick her wedding over yours if they can only go to one.

And OP responded:

They knew our date even before they got engaged. She told me she set that date so that our friends are in our home country on the same month. I told her why does it have to be on the same week? she told me she had no other choice. I couldn’t argue much about it coz I really don’t know if it’s true.