'AITA for cutting off my family over my brother refusing to do simple paperwork?' UPDATED

"AITA for cutting off my family over my brother refusing to do simple paperwork?"

I (26F) honestly feel like I’m at my breaking point and need some outside perspective because I’m either going crazy or just finally waking up. Growing up, my brother (24M) was always the golden child. He got to do everything I wasn’t allowed to. He had freedom, friends, he could go out, date, live like a normal teenager.

Meanwhile, I wasn’t allowed any of that. If I even questioned it, I’d get the “He’s a boy, it’s different” response. That excuse was drilled into me for years, and I’m still resentful of how much I missed out on just because of that double standard. For context, we are Balkan Muslims and this is pretty common for us women to not get treated the same as our male relatives.

Now I’m married with a child of my own. I live an hour away from my parents, and while I don’t mind helping them here and there, I’ve got a household, a job, and a toddler to take care of. Lately, they’ve been needing more help with bills, paperwork, appointments, organizing their estate and guess who’s been handling all of that? Me.

Not the son who lives with them rentfree with his GF and has all the free time in the world. Its become to much and I told my parents I can’t keep doing everything, and they need to start asking their son to step up. They weren’t happy, but for about a week, things were quiet. I wasn’t getting flooded with texts and calls. I thought they were finally listening and my brother finally grew up.

This past weekend I went to visit and immediately saw a giant pile of paperwork, unopened mail, and bills scattered on the table. I asked what was going on and why it was all untouched. They told me they’d asked my brother to take care of it and he kept saying he’d “get to it.” I asked where he was, and surprise!

He was out with his friends. My parents asked me to do it and I said no and we were going to wait until he came home and he was going to do it. No more excuses. An hour later, he walks in, doesn’t even greet me, just says, “Have you done Mom and Dad’s paperwork yet?” I looked at him and said no, this is your job now. You live here, you handle it.

He starts whining that I’m better at organizing, I know what gets paid when, I can translate things better, I know where everything goes. I told him I don’t care. I have my own life and family to take care of, and it’s not my responsibility to keep doing everything just because no one ever taught him how to be an adult.

He got mad and things escalated. He started yelling, insulting me, and at one point picked up a binder full of documents and threw them at me and it hit my head. I just stared at him and waited for my parents to say something, to defend me, to check him for that behavior and for THROWING A BINDER AT ME!

Instead, they looked at me and said it’s my fault and I started it and I should’ve just “shut up” and done the paperwork like always. I snapped. I started yelling at them all, saying everything I’ve bottled up for years. I told them that they raised a spoiled, lazy man-child who can’t do a basic task and will throw them into a nursing home the first change he gets.

I told them I was done being the one who carries all the weight while he gets to live carefree. I grabbed my things and told them I couldn’t stand this family anymore and I hated them all.

As I was walking out, they said if I left and refused to help, they would have nothing to do with me. I said fine. I left and haven’t spoken to them since. Now they’re blowing up my phone. First asking for help. My brother saying he doesn’t know where the check books are, how to write a check, who’s my mom and dad’s doctor, insurance, etc. When they saw I wasn’t responding the text they got nasty.

They began calling me selfish, heartless, and cruel. My dad left a voicemail wishing that i would get cancer in my stomach (he said this in our native language and this is the best way I could translate it to make it make sense). That broke my heart. They’ve said some horrible things to me but that was way too far.

They even dragged my aunt into it, who’s now telling me I should be ashamed of myself for how I spoke to my parents and for refusing to help them and that God will punish me. At this point I’ve gone completely no contact, but I can’t lie I feel guilty even though I know I was pushed beyond my limit. AITA??

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Sea_Firefighter_4598 said:

NTA. Tell them they said they'd have nothing to do with you and you're holding them to it. Oh and tell your aunt God has already punished you with your parents and brother.

fiestafan73 said:

It sounds like you are about to have a happier life with a lot more free time. I think with some time away from them you will realize you are better off, and that you were in an abusive relationship with your family. You deserve better than that, and abusive people do not deserve your help. NTA.

Individual_Physics29 said:

NTA. I’m so sorry they treated you like this. You have hit a breaking point and honestly it makes sense.

And crystallz2000 said:

NTA. The funny thing about "takers" is that they will never stop taking. No matter how much you give, it'll never be enough. You can give until your hands are raw and bloody, and they'll still ask for more. But if ever you put up a boundary, they will fight it tooth-and-nail, because they don't want to lose you. Not because they care about you, but because there is more to take from you.

You have two choices in my mind: 1) cut them off, 2) put down firm boundaries. You're their daughter, not their caretaker. If they want to talk about the weather, their grand-kids, work, fine, but if they need help with anything they can have their beloved golden child help them.

In response to comments, she shared this edit:

Hi again! I wanted to clarify a few things that came up: Someone said I was the AH for not teaching my family how to do anything. That’s just not true. I’ve spent hours trying to teach my parents how to access bills online, sign checks, etc.

They always “struggled” to remember which really just means they didn’t care to learn. I even tried teaching my brother, but he always had plans or “wasn’t in the mood.” I tried. Mother is 50 and father is 65.

I’ve been the translator and basically the family employee since I was 10. I’ve filled out every form, made every call, done everything for my parents, and it just never stopped. I blame myself for this as I should have put my foot down years ago.

My husband doesn’t like my family and hates my brother. That hatred really cemented when my water broke at 30 weeks and I was in the hospital crying and having a legit mental breakdown thinking I failed my baby. My lovely brother showed up and told me that I “must’ve done something stupid” and broke my water myself. My husband dragged him out, and my brother wasn’t allowed back.

Right now, my husband only knows there was a screaming match and I decided to cut everyone off. He doesn’t know the full story because if he did, I know exactly what he’d do, and I’m not trying to go down that road.

I know they’ll probably show up at some point. I’m mentally preparing for it. Who knows what they’ll do at that point. I’ve mentioned that I would like to move closer to my in-laws, and my husband is on board with that idea. He also talked to me about starting therapy. We were reading the messages and comments together and we both realized I was severely emotionally abused.

Thank you all for your kind word and support. I truly appreciate you all. It’s just sad that internet strangers have shown me more kindness and love than my own family has in years. I will update if anything happens. Much love to you all ❤️

EDIT 2: I forgot to mention I told my husband what my brother did to me. As you can imagine he is furious and wanted to head over there tonight and you know…but I won’t let him stoop to his level. I am now worried about them showing up here and causing a commotion as that is the type of people they are.

Two weeks later, she shared this update:

A lot has happened since my last post that I don’t even know where to start. After I went no contact, the calls didn’t stop. My phone was blowing up constantly. Then my dad decided to try to call my husband directly. He acted like absolutely nothing happened, all cheerful and casual, as if my brother hadn’t just thrown a binder at me over a week ago. I guess my dad thought my husband didn’t know what happened.

My husband cut him off and told him he knows exactly what happened, and that if my brother ever bothers me again or so much as steps foot on our property, it won’t be pretty. Let’s just say the conversation ended very quickly after that. A few days later, my uncle and aunt decided to randomly drop by our house unannounced to “talk things out."

My husband went outside before I even had a chance to react. He absolutely chewed them out, telling them that if helping my parents is so important to them, they should go do it themselves instead of harassing us. They left pretty fast after that.

An hour after they left, my parents showed up. My husband did not allow them inside, but they stood at my door yelling at me, saying how disappointed they were in me and how I was disrespectful for talking about family issues with my husband. They called me horrible names that I can’t even repeat here.

I finally snapped and told them I want nothing to do with them anymore and this would be the last time we speak. They kept going, but I refused to participate in the conversation any longer, and they eventually left after my husband threatened to call the police. When they left I completely broke down.

The things my parents said were vile and cruel. I don’t know what I did to deserve this kind of treatment. I expect that kind of behavior from my inlaws, not my parents. Sad truth is, my MIL has been a better and more loving mother to me than my own mom ever has, and that hurts in a way I can’t even explain.

This happened a few days ago, and since then I’ve blocked my parents, brother, my uncle, and my aunt. A few other family members have tried reaching out but the moment I see they’re defending my parents, I block them too. I just can’t deal with it anymore and I have my own family to worry about.

We’ve decided we’ll be moving closer to my inlaws this winter, and no one will know except close friends and family we can trust not to run back to my parents. My first therapy session is scheduled for next week as well.

When I opened up fully to my husband and our close friends about my childhood, the look on their faces made me sick. They explained to me that what I went through was not normal and that no parent should ever treat their child the way mine treated me. My childhood was deeply messed up, and I’m only truly realizing the extent of it now.

I’m not doing well at the moment, but I’m thankful I have my husband and friends to support me. I really hope therapy will help me heal, but I know it will take a long time. Right now, it feels like I’m just floating in darkness. I can’t comprehend why my parents hate me so much. I did everything they ever wanted, even if it compromised my own happiness. It still wasn’t enough for them.

To everyone who’s commented or messaged me, thank you. You’ve shown me more kindness and compassion than my own family ever has. I wish every single one of you nothing but love and happiness. I hope this is the first and last time I have to update on this situation. Much love to you all.