'AITA for cutting off my friend of years for what she said about my husband...' UPDATED

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"AITA for cutting off my friend of years for what she said about my husband?"

I’ve been wondering for a long time if I handled this the wrong way. My husband and I met in 2019 through mutual friends. Back then, I was always out with my friend group — mostly guys — partying and drinking. Our relationship was great, but we were on and off because we wanted different things at the time.

Around that same period, one of my closest friends had just broken up with her boyfriend. A few days later, she saw one of the guys from our group on my social media and asked me to introduce them. I did. A week later, they were living together.

Her mom told her it was too soon. I gently said the same when she asked for my opinion — but I’ve always been the type of friend who doesn’t judge or lecture. Then, only weeks into their relationship, she made an appointment to remove her birth control so they could try for a baby.

That worried both her mom and me. They hadn’t even been together a month. During her pregnancy, their relationship started going downhill. There was a lot of verbal abuse. Things got worse over time.

Because our friend groups overlapped, her boyfriend (who was also my friend — like a brother to me) would sometimes show up when we were all hanging out. One night, he came to my house while we were drinking. I didn’t know they had gotten into a fight beforehand.

When she found out he was there, she was furious — at him and at me. She accused me of inviting him out knowing he had a child at home. I told her I didn’t invite him — he showed up because his friends were already there. I encouraged him to call her because she was upset, but I wasn’t going to kick him out. He hadn’t done anything to me.

Their relationship continued to deteriorate. It eventually escalated into serious physical abuse. I begged her to leave him. One night, things got so bad that neighbors called the police, and CPS got involved. She was warned that her children could be removed if she continued taking him back.

She took him back anyway — and didn’t tell me, because she knew I would be upset. Through all of it, I was there for her. Two in the morning phone calls. Long conversations. Emotional support. I was there every time.

As time went on, though, something shifted. One day, I went to visit my sister-in-law at her food truck because she was feeling depressed and wanted company. I had told my friend I couldn’t hang out that day. Somehow, she found out where we were and showed up anyway — without being invited.

That was something she tended to do: invite herself along. It didn’t bother me much at first. Eventually, she became close with my sister-in-law. Again, I didn’t mind. More support is never a bad thing. But then it started affecting me directly.

For my husband’s birthday, I planned everything months in advance. He specifically asked for a small dinner with just family — no friends, so no one would feel left out. When my friend found out, she seemed upset and tried to work around it so she could come. I told her no — it was his birthday, and I was respecting his wishes.

Later, my sister-in-law called to tell me my friend was upset and planned to join us anyway. I reminded her again: this was family only. She understood, but she was clearly bothered. After that, I noticed a pattern. She constantly tried to insert herself into family-only moments. It began to irritate me, but I didn’t know how to say it.

Then came the comments. On one occasion, she made a remark implying that “men aren’t crap,” based on what she was going through. It annoyed my husband and my brother-in-law. But the comment that truly changed everything happened one afternoon at my house.

My husband had come home and, like he often does, brought me things he knows I like — ice and caramel for my morning coffee. She saw this and laughed, saying:

“Oh, you have a good man. I should take your man.”

She laughed. I didn’t. It startled me. It felt like a huge red flag. From that moment on, I couldn’t see her the same way. The final straw came when I returned home one afternoon and saw her car in my driveway. I assumed she was waiting outside.

She wasn’t. She was inside my house — without telling me. Neither she nor my sister-in-law had informed me she would be there. Yes, we were close. But we had never just walked into each other’s homes without the other person there. I only have that level of comfort with one friend — and even she respects boundaries since I got married.

That crossed a line for me. I told my sister-in-law it bothered me deeply. Instead of confronting my friend directly (I’m not confrontational), I slowly created distance. Months went by without us speaking. She tried reaching out a couple of times. I said I was busy.

Then I found out I was pregnant. I kept it private — only immediate family and two close friends knew. I avoided her when I saw her drive past my house one day. Finally, when she reached out again before my toddler’s birthday, I had enough. Maybe it was hormones. Maybe it was everything building up. I told her:

1) I didn’t like her comments about my husband.

2) I didn’t like her inviting herself to family events.

3) I didn’t like her being in my home without telling me.

She was upset that I hadn’t told her sooner. And she was right — I should have communicated earlier. But deep down, I knew the friendship would never be the same anyway.

After that conversation, we never spoke again. In June, I posted my pregnancy announcement. She hearted it — then removed the heart. It’s been about a year now. We still have each other on social media. I don’t look at her page, but she watches mine. And sometimes I wonder: Was I wrong for cutting off the friendship?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Ginger630 said:

NTA for cutting off your friend but you should have said something long before. I don’t like confronting people either but sometimes you need to.

Individual_Cloud7656 said:

NTA she's a crappy friend. Although it's terrible what she's going through she seems to have self destructive tendencies and until she's ready to get serious long-term help nothing will change

Then_Potato6042 said:

NTA. Sounds like you tried to help her and talk to her about this bad boyfriend and she didn’t listen and you didn’t know about the abuse and once you did you cut him out. Her comment about taking your husband is a huge red flag - she's not your friend.

heystitches said:

You’re the AH for not dropping that man from your friend group, knowing he was an abusive jerk. But you are not the AH for holding boundaries with her and drifting apart. We all have our line of what’s accepted and what’s not and she crossed yours. You weren’t mean to her, and you have the right to choose who you spend your time with.

PuzzledReason4311 said:

NTA - “I should take your man” are fighting words. I personally would have created distance as well seeing that she showed up unannounced AFTER SAYING IT. That was intentional. If she had the chance and an inch- she would have run the whole mile

TopAd7655 said:

YTA, purely for the “he hasn’t done anything to me.” Girl? He is literally beating her and you allow him in your home? I’m sorry, but it seems like your friend has very deeply been sucked into a horrible, abusive, and quite frankly dangerous situation. Loves to read surface level stories and determine OP is just fine being selfish and thoughtless.

She is a human being. She needs people and support, you have given her literally none of that and then come on, for what? For people to judge her and give you a pat on the back for being complicit? This was awful to read and I am truly shocked that you wrote this out and have no after thoughts.

reba010480 said:

NTA. You dealt with it how you were able at the time.

UPDATE:

No, I did not keep being friends with her abuser. I didn’t know about the abuse. She only told me after when CPS was involved and she was scared of losing her kids, but somehow still chose to forgive him and had him back in the house.

She didn’t even tell me that either until after I would’ve maybe said something to her because CPS did tell her that she had to wait 45 days before letting him back in the house or she could lose her kids and she knew they will be checking up on her and no, I would’ve never judged her.

I would’ve just told her to make sure that’s what she wanted because you know last time her kids were almost hurt in the fighting and obviously nobody would wanna lose your kids over somebody else and somebody else’s actions.

The only thing I somewhat knew was what she was telling me how sometimes you have a disagreement or argument with your partner. I never knew it was this big until after it was close to me, and after that, I never spoke to this person again or saw him again.

Also, I know it was my mistake for waiting to disclose this to her that it bothered me. The comments that she made. I was going through my pregnancy. My first trimester was rough. I lost about 20 pounds.

I couldn’t even get out of bed sometimes, and when I did disclose these things to her, it was midway my second trimester I chose not to share with anyone not just particularly her only our family knew, including my sister-in-law, my husband’s parents and my parents and my own sister but other than that, nobody knew that I was pregnant until I posted it.

I wanted to keep your private due to the fact that I was stealing with HG and was so sick, which is why I didn’t even reach out or anything, and when I did tell her that those comments bother me, she chose to be confrontational when I wasn’t even confrontational about it.

I just said hey the reason why I kind of drifted away and haven’t reached out was because I was a bit upset over the comments that you said and she took it as well if you were friends with my ex or something along that line where that doesn’t even make any sense...

...because her ex and I were friends before she even saw him in one of my stories on social media and asked me to introduce him to her that’s how they met. I would’ve never thought to introduce them because they were so different but she was the one who asked me to introduce her.

And when I say or when I said that he had never done anything like that to me I meant I would’ve never thought he was like that because he never did anything like that but no, I didn’t stay friends with this person.