'AITA for cutting off my friend after she ruined my bday and caused drama with my brother?'

"AITA for cutting off my friend after she ruined my birthday and caused drama with my brother?"

Hi Reddit, I (31F) recently cut off my friend “Mara” (28F), and now some mutuals are saying I should forgive her and move on. I’m not sure if I’m being too harsh, so I need outside perspective.

Backstory: A couple years ago, Mara hooked up with my brother (same age as her). He told her from the start he wasn’t looking for anything serious, but she caught feelings anyway. I warned her he was a player, but she didn’t listen. Long story short, she ended up keying his car and his date’s car when he wouldn’t answer the door one night.

Charges were filed, restitution had to be paid, and it was messy. I was furious with both of them. Mara later apologized and we stayed in touch, but I definitely pulled back from the friendship.

Fast forward to this year, my birthday weekend: I live a few states away from my hometown, so Mara and two other friends planned to visit and celebrate with me. I was excited. I don’t have many friends in my new city and I really appreciated the gesture.

The plan was dinner with my boyfriend and local people in my city, then drive to the city an hour away to party and make it a girls’ weekend. Here’s where it went downhill: *Mara booked a same-day hair appointment without telling us. It ran late, they got to dinner two hours late, and we were rushed the rest of the night. I was upset, told her how I felt, and she gave me the cold shoulder for most of the night.

*After the club, we were trying to get back to the car. I (the local) suggested a route, but Mara insisted she knew a shortcut. She was wrong, we got lost for nearly an hour, and when I expressed my frustration she basically told me it wasn’t the time to call her out.

*Once we finally got back on track, she realized she lost her phone. Our DD (designated driver) friend offered to go back and look for it. But Mara started arguing with her, accusing her of not caring about her, and the drama exploded.

*She even got out the car at a stoplight, saying we could leave her , then flipped and refused to get back in until we kicked out two local girls who were catching a ride with us (because one had her purse stolen and needed help).

*At one point she opened the car door on the interstate, and our DD had to child-lock it.

*We didn’t find her phone until 6AM, and after all that, I was so emotionally drained I packed up and went home the next morning. I cried on my birthday and felt completely disrespected.

Aftermath: My other two friends apologized sincerely. Mara went silent for two weeks. When she finally messaged me, it was not a real apology, more like, “You acted like a birthday bridezilla,” and “You should’ve been grateful I even came.” She said I was ungrateful and that she wouldn’t have cared if the roles were reversed.

I told her how I felt, but she refused to take accountability. So I ended the conversation and haven’t spoken to her since. Now some people are saying I should forgive her because she “had good intentions” and “did all this for me.” But honestly? Between the situation with my brother and how she acted on my birthday, I’m done. So… AITA for cutting her off and not wanting to resume the friendship?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Horror-Reveal7618 said:

NTA. Ask them to explain to you like you are a toddler what were her good intentions and what did she do for you? That woman sounds like a dumpster on fire and someone throwing old cooking oil to stop the fire.

AbbyM1968 said:

She's in her late 20's and behaving like a teenager. When people show you who they are, believe them. When you see true colours, don't try to paint a different picture. Bad behavior isn't erased by "good intentions." Leave her cut off.

No_Confidence5235 said:

NTA but you should have cut her off after she vandalized your brother's car. That's just unhinged.

Suspicious_Fan_4105 said:

NTA. Some people are only in your life for a season, not a lifetime.

Ulquiorra1312 said:

Nta i wouldnt be surprised if this was retaliation for what happened with brother. However. Why were you mad at your brother you both told her what he was like he laid it all out and mara decided to catch feelings and add property damage

OP responded:

When I say mad, I don’t mean the same type of mad that I had for my ex friend. I was more so disappointed that he didn’t listen to me either when I told him to not mess with her and when it started getting messy, I told him that you know he should block her.

You know, cut off all communication when she started acting funky and what not And he didn’t listen either so it was like when he told me you know what happened. I was just like, bro you are so hardheaded. That’s what I mean.

She later shared this follow-up post to answer some of commenters' questions:

I’ve seen a lot of the same questions in the comments and DMs, so here’s some clarification for y’all:

Q1: Why did you stay friends with her after she keyed your brother’s car??

Honestly… guilt. Before I moved, me and Mara hung out all the time. She didn’t have a lot of real friends, and I considered her one. When I left, she would constantly say how lonely she was and how hard it was trying to connect with people again. Then she started hanging out with my brother. Did I like it? No. But part of me thought she was maybe trying to stay connected to me in a weird way.

Of course, it got messy and y’all already know that part. Even though I was pissed at her, I still felt bad. I had moved away, my life was going well, and here she was spiraling over my brother. I did go off on her and hold her accountable, but part of me still tried to fix things because I felt responsible. That’s why I kept her around at the time.

Q2: Why were you mad at your brother too?

I wasn’t mad in the same way. I was more mad like a fed-up big sister. I told him not to sleep with her not because I was being controlling, but because I knew exactly how it would end.

My brother is… let’s just say he’s for the streets. He’s not disrespectful to women, but he’s not committing unless the woman checks every box for him. And Mara didn’t. So when she started acting possessive, I warned him it was heading for disaster. He didn’t listen. So yeah I wasn’t mad mad, just tired of being right.

Q3: Why did you even let her come to your birthday?

Because the year before, my birthday sucked. A lot of the newer people I had met bailed on me last minute, and the only one who showed up was my boyfriend.

This time, we had a small group planned Mara and two other friends and I figured being in a group would make everything easier and less awkward. I genuinely didn’t think she’d try anything messy… but she did. So lesson learned.