'AITA for cutting off my MIL after she showed up to the hospital when we asked for no visitors?'

"AITAH for going no contact with my mother in law after she showed up to the hospital when we said we wanted no visitors?"

This…is a long one. I (25 F) and my husband, Dan (24) started dating 4 years ago. I could tell from the start that his mom did not like me. She was always very cold, passive aggressive, or would just completely ignore me and I never really understood why.

I always tried to interact, have conversations, ask questions about herself, etc. but it always felt like I was pulling teeth trying to build any type of personal connection with her which really sucked because I really wanted to grow closer to her.

From the start it seemed that she held some sort of resentment towards me in a “you’re taking my son away from me” kind of way, but I always continued to try and push the discomfort to the side and continue trying to build some sort of relationship.

Fast forward some months into our relationship, it felt like his mom started testing me to see how much she could get away with. During our interactions she started finding ways to bring up women from my husbands past, saying “well you’re a lot better than so and so” or “aw I really miss *husbands ex* she was sooo sweet and so fun to be around”.

It got to the point where my husband eventually called her out and told her to stop, and she threw a bit of a fit -left the room and sat by herself. Eventually when Dan went out to check on her, she cried to him saying “well I guess I’m just a terrible mom.” And things of that nature.

Let me make this so clear. My husband has had my back from the start. He has always been amazing at calling things out and standing up for me anytime he was able to. This is not at all a situation where he wasn’t standing right behind me being another voice for me. He and I come from two very different upbringings, and he had been a doormat to his family for years.

I understand that this seems like it had been going on for too long, but I had to give Dan grace because he had also never been in this type of situation before and was handling it the best way he knew how.

It’s extremely hard to go against the grain especially in a family that tries to manipulate you into being who they want you to be. It’s easy to point fingers and say “well he should’ve done this or that.” But this was a totally new situation for the both of us, and we were both just trying to do what we thought was right.

When Dan and I got engaged, she knew weeks ahead of time when he was going to propose to me. Dan asked for my father’s blessing, and my family knew he would be doing it soon but had no idea when it was actually going to happen. The day he proposed to me, we called our families to share the news.

In the time it took us to return home, my family had put together a last minute engagement celebration with my sister, brother in law, aunt, and grandparents. We had snacks, champagne, and a few little congratulatory gifts. We stayed for about an hour with my family before going to visit his.

When we arrived at his families house, his mother walked right past us without saying a word until Dan finally said hi, to which she responds “oh hi”. A different family member runs up to us yelling “oh my gosh congratulations! Im so happy for you guys!!”

And then his mom says “oh yeah, congrats” The rest of the night she proceeds to talk to me all about how a girl she knew was the most beautiful bride ever, showing me endless pictures of her wedding..not talking to me at all about the engagement. A few days later we find out that she was angry at my family for throwing together a little party for us and not inviting her.

(Our families still hadn’t met at this point, and my family didn’t have her contact information to reach out). Let me reiterate, my family didn’t know this was happening until we called them to tell them we were engaged THAT DAY, meanwhile his family had known for weeks and chose not to do anything.

As time went on she continued to disrespect me and us through passive aggressive comments, talking badly about me behind my back, ignoring me, etc. which led to us seeking counseling on how to handle the situation.

Eventually we sat down face to face to try and figure out what could be done to grow a healthy relationship with her and the entire time she deflected and made it my or our fault. These conversations happened on multiple occasions and still nothing ever changed. She just got more and more hostile towards me.

Time goes on, we get married, she speaks badly about me on my own wedding day, we still try to rectify things, but I’m basically at my breaking point. Do I want to continue a relationship with her? No, but I would never ask my husband to cut things off with his mom. If he feels that’s what right, he will come to that on his own. I trust him.

Fast forward a few years and I get pregnant. Of course she is over the moon.. not because I’m having a baby, but because SHE'S having a grandchild. She wasn’t a part of my pregnancy journey at all. She didn’t reach out to check in, she never offered help with anything. Basically radio silence until the week of my due date.

Once the week of my due date rolled around she would text me what she called her “daily check ins” to ask how I was doing, but once I would respond explaining how I was feeling she wouldn’t respond. It felt like she was just checking off a box.

A week or two before the delivery we told our families that we didn’t want visitors, and if that changed we would let them know. My family respected that, and of course there was push back from his side.

When I went into labor we sent a text to our families letting them know we were heading to the hospital, his mom responds asking if we wanted her there and that she wants to be there to support her son….her son…not her daughter in law who is giving birth…ok. lol. He reiterated multiple times to her that we didn’t want visitors.

About two hours later he gets a text from her saying that she was in the waiting room and that she was just too excited and had to be there. I just stared at him in disbelief, but he assured me he would take care of it. He did.

He went to the waiting area, told her to leave, and we carried on and I gave birth to our beautiful baby. We didn’t hear from her the days following while I was in the hospital, but we did hear from trustworthy sources that she was livid and that she was speaking very poorly about us while I was 3 days postpartum.

When we got home from the hospital, Dan called his mom to let her know that he was livid about her showing up and that she crossed a very serious boundary for her own selfish reasons. She cried to him saying she just wanted to be there for him and that she was just so excited to be a grandma.

The entire time she’s trying to make him feel bad for telling her to leave, but after years of her disrespecting me, he wasn’t having it. I also tried to just calmly explain why we felt disrespected and as soon as she heard my voice she went absolutely feral screaming “Who do you think you are!?” And “who do you think you’re talking to!?” I went silent. I handed the phone back to my husband and he hung up.

I reached my breaking point. I had the worst mental break down I’ve ever experienced, all while just days postpartum. I told my husband I couldn’t deal with the constant disrespect anymore. One thing led to another and we ultimately decided to go no contact. He sent her a long detailed message with our reasonings, and we haven’t heard from her since… our baby is now 10 months old.

Dan and I feel more at peace than ever before. But his family keeps trying to convince us to reach out and try to mend things with her. We don’t want to and we don’t feel like it’s our jobs to once again try and fix things that we didn’t cause in the first place. We just want to continue with our happy little family, and protect our baby from the toxicity that came with my mother in law…. AITA for cutting her off?

This is what people had to say to OP:

soffttempt said:

NTA. She didn't want to be there to "support her son" She wanted to be there to get the first baby picture for her "World's Best Grandma" Facebook post

grayblue_grrl said:

NTA. That PEACE you feel? THAT will go away if you do. She will be "good" for a minute and then go back to her old ways ANGRIER than previously. Tell the family that are asking you to reach out to her - "please stop or we will have to block you too and we would hate to do that. We love you but you are clearly pushing us to cross boundaries we have put up in self defense."

running_broad_ass said:

Sounds like MIL is a narcissist. It will never be about you or your husband or child. Focus should be on Her. Sorry.

Next-Drummer-9280 said:

Group text to everyone pushing you to reconcile with her: “We will not be reconciling with mom. The next person who tries to demand that we do so will also be cut off. This isn’t a game. This isn’t an opportunity to work on your persuasion skills. THIS IS OUR LIFE. She has treated us so poorly and we. are. done. Get on board or be removed from our lives, too. Up to you.”

PuzzleheadedTap4484 said:

NTA but your husband should have made a harder line with her when she was treating you so badly and gone NC long before you got pregnant, like after the counseling didn’t work. If my MIL spoke badly about me at our wedding, my husband would have cut her off afterwards.

I know you wouldn’t ask, and you shouldn’t, but your husband should have shut that down and cut his mother off cold turkey for disrespecting his bride at your wedding. I will chalk that up to you both being young and dealing with that. If you’re 25/24 and been dealing with her since 21/20, that’s a lot.

I would move that your husband had your back and shut his mother down to the beginning of your post because by the time I got to that part I was getting mad that he wasn’t shutting it down and about to say you had a husband problem.

And OP responded:

Good point! I did move that up in the original post. And to clear the air on your point, it was both myself and my husband that chose to keep trying. We were so hopeful that something would change, and it just didn’t.

He always stuck up for me from the start, and I’m sure that if we would’ve had that conversation earlier we still would’ve probably gone NC, but I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason so I think the timing of our decision came when it needed to.