'AITA for cutting off my sister for her behavior after my kids' father passed away?'

"AITA for cutting off my sister for her behaviour after my kids dad tragically passed?"

I (41F) have two kids with a friend we’ll call Mark (41M). Mark and I were best friends for twenty years. Occasionally, we got together when we both happened to be single. We were never a couple, as we had different visions of marriage and relationships. I got pregnant, with twin girls. While unplanned, we were delighted and excited about becoming co-parents.

We moved into the same apartment building and became neighbours. Our co-parenting went exceptionally well. We agreed on everything when it came to raising our babies and had literally no issues we couldn’t work through.

When they were infants, we stayed at each others apartments and took on the work together. As the babies became toddlers, we had an even 50/50 share, and worked with each other on job schedules, social commitments, etc.

I have a sister we’ll call Regina (35F) who lives four provinces away. We have never gotten along well. She was always the mean girl in high school, while I was always awkward, and she never let me forget that.

I was reminded all the time that I dressed weird, or looked awkward, and that everyone was judging me. Meanwhile, she would steal the very clothes and accessories she made fun of me for, saying things like “you can’t wear this but I can."

When I moved out of our childhood house, I distanced myself from her. She moved four provinces away and started dating her boyfriend (35M), who we’ll call Joey. They have since had a daughter (5), and another baby (maybe 4 months?).

This past Christmas, my world was turned upside down. On Boxing Day, two hours before Mark was scheduled to be off work for the rest of the holidays, there was a workplace accident.

Mark was involved and rushed to hospital. I got a call thirty minutes later that he could not be saved. He had passed away. I still can’t quite believe that it happened, and I replay that awful phone call in my head every single day.

A few days later, I got a call from my sister. I don’t even know how she got my number, but she called to apologize for treating me so awfully, and that this tragedy made her realize there are more important things in life. I desperately needed any support I could get, so I accepted her apology. However, this was a mistake.

We spoke a few times over the next few days, and her old behavior snuck back in again. I mentioned at one point that I had had a few dates with someone before Christmas, and wondered if I would keep pursuing that relationship in light of everything that had happened.

She responded “At least now you might actually be able to find someone to love you. Cause who wants a woman with a baby daddy, you know??” This stung a lot, but I let it pass, since we were trying to establish a sisterly relationship (I thought). Over the next few days, the old Regina came out more and more.

I was paying Mark’s cell phone bill, because I got a bundle deal through work. In return, Mark paid vendor fees for a side business we ran together. At one point, I mentioned that I had his phone and that I wasn’t looking forward to the finality of cancelling the phone line.

She said “OMG you’re paying his bill?? I would NEVER EVER pay a man’s cell phone bill. What a loser.” I pointed out that the cell phone bill was actually cheaper than our mandatory vendor fees, and paying it was a lot less work than handling our fees. Mark actually handled the vast majority of work with our side business, and is the reason we were successful.

That business has since ended, simply because Mark was the backbone. Paying his cell phone bill was the least I could do.

The following day, Regina told me that Joey was out of town for business for three days, and had gotten delayed coming back. She said to me…. “How am I supposed to tell my daughter that her dad is going to be late? How can I explain to her that daddy isn’t coming home today? You have no idea how hard this is.” Yep….that is an exact quote.

I saw red. I lost it. Told her she was insanely insensitive and tone deaf. That OF COURSE I knew how hard that was, because I had just broken it to my own kids that their daddy wasn’t coming home EVER. I’m still in shock she had the audacity to say that. I hung up on her, and blocked her. It doesn’t end there.

I always made it a rule that I never talked to my mother about Regina, since she always took Regina’s side, from day one. Even when she witnessed Regina bullying me harshly, she blamed me for being too sensitive and told me I needed to toughen up. That life wouldn’t cater to sensitive people like me.

Guys, I’m not sensitive. I never have been. I have only EVER heard my mother or Regina refer to me as sensitive. My father never got involved.

Anyways, my lovely mother called me shortly after I blocked Regina. She tells me she is disappointed in me, that I know Regina can be harsh and self-centered, so I should just brush it off and forgive her. She told me that Regina was right, that I was “better off without Mark and his @buse."

WHAT? I was so dumbfounded by this statement that I was speechless, literally. Mark was my best friend for over 20 years. He was the nicest person in my life, my absolute best friend, and treated me like a queen. I have zero idea where she got the notion that he was anything other than ideal.

Once I recovered, I pushed back and told her she was wrong, Mark had never been bad to me in any way, and I resented her for saying that. Then she says that until I forgive Regina and unblock her, she was not going to support me in any way.

She told me that my grief was a sign of mental illness, and until “I got any form of brains and got medicated”, she was not getting involved in my life (I have two degrees, I have brains, and I’ve also been in therapy for twenty years due to my upbringing).

She rescinded an offer to have an appointment with her lawyer to discuss any potential issues upcoming dealing with Mark’s estate, and told me to get my own. And finally, she told me that I was being a terrible mother to my kids by “destroying their relationship with their cousins."

Here's the thing though – I’ve only met my 5 year old niece twice, and those two times were for literally less than half an hour. My kids have NEVER met her. My sister has been in our province at least 5 times since she was born, with niece, and I only found out she was here twice. I have never met her newborn, or have any knowledge on name, gender, birthday, etc.

Regina and her boyfriend just bought a house in their province, so the chances of them moving back here are next to zero. Plus, my kids have many cousins on their dad’s side, who they see all the time. They also have honourary “cousins”, who are the children of my and Mark’s friends. They absolutely have a very large circle of cousins.

So…AITA for blocking my sister and preventing my kids from having a relationship with their cousins?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

DazzlingPotion said:

Block your mother too. NTA.

OP responded:

I've been considering this. For years, actually.

Srvntgrrl_789 said:

NTA, and please accept my condolences for Mark’s passing. It’s clear your family don’t really care about your grief, or your struggles now to be a single parent. They don’t understand that family is who you choose, and Mark was your family.

For your own peace and healing, please go LC with your mom. She’s a narcissist, just like your sister. She won’t change, and you and your children deserve better than AH family members tearing you down instead of supporting you.

OP responded:

Thank you. Going LC with my mom will be a bit harder, since I have no one else from my immediate family left. But you're right - Mark was my chosen family. My girls are my chosen family. It's scary, but I guess neither of them are giving me any support anyway.

Ill-River4369 said:

NTA. Block your so called mother too. The pair of them deserve each other. You and your kids deserve so much better. I’m so sorry that Mark was taken from you all ❤️

OP responded:

Thank you. I miss him a lot. We were together all the time. Mom and sis are definitely two of a kind. They were all besties growing up, while I was the "weird one" (actual quote).

JaneDoe_83 said:

NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss 🤍 You’re not wrong for blocking your sister, and you wouldn’t be the AH if you blocked your mom too. She a narcissist. And where do you think your sister learned her behaviour? By being your mom’s golden child, while you were the scapegoat.

Imagine saying something so tone deaf to someone whose children’s father will never come back?! She’s a really nasty piece of work. She absolutely knew what she said, didn’t think it required apologising for, as she’s always gotten away with this behaviour, so why would this be any different?! You and your children are better off without her, and I’m 99% sure you’d be better off without your so-called mother too.

Your children cannot miss cousins they don’t even know. But even if there was a better relationship between the cousins, after something like this, they’d be better off without them anyway. They likely follow in their mother’s footsteps attitude wise, and you don’t need them saying spiteful things to your kids. Be done with them all and protect your peace, for your sake, and for your kids.

OP responded:

I didn't even consider that she knew what she was saying. I just took it as a tone deaf remark. You're probably right though. She has said very calculated things to me in the past.

I also didn't consider that her kids might also share her attitude...but of course they would. She definitely doesn't filter herself around kids. That definitely makes me feel like blocking is the right decision.

Mindless_Dependent39 said:

NTA your mom and your sister are playing the triangulation game to try to draw you back into their toxic relationship environments. Good for you for not falling for it.

I would tell your mom that you’re disappointed that she no longer wants to be part of you and your children’s lives but you wish her and your sister well and then tell her your always here if she changes her mind and wants a healthy relationship with you and your children that doesn’t involve you sister.

OP responded:

Oooh this is a very good reply. It would also address the issue that I've had for years now - she constantly asks me to be friends with my sister. This wording would end that.