'AITA for cutting off my sister financially after finding out her unemployed boyfriend is benefiting from my money?'
"AITA for cutting off my sister financially after finding out her unemployed boyfriend is benefiting from my money?"
My sister (23F) works as a cashier and earns barely above the minimum wage in our state, so I(30M) have been supporting her financially. I pay half her rent and her utilities and regularly send extra money for things like groceries or hair appointments or whatever she needs money for.
I never really minded because I earn about four times what she does. About five months ago, she started asking for money much more often. She always had a reason and I sent her money without question because I want her to feel I will always help her out.
Then last week, I ran into her at a club with a guy(Jake, 27M) she introduced as her boyfriend. When I asked how long they had been together, she said a few months which surprised me since I knew nothing about it. She got evasive and annoyed when I asked her more questions. That made me uneasy.
I just wanted to make sure my sister was with someone decent, you know? So I called one of her friends the next day and asked about Jake. The friend didn’t have a high opinion of Jake. She told me Jake has been basically unemployed for over two years because he can’t keep a job.
He moved in with my sister four months ago after they had only been dating for a month. He stays home while my sister goes to work and isn’t really doing much to get a job. I knew nothing about this.
I have been paying rent for an apartment he lives in without contributing anything. I also realized that my sister’s increased requests for money lined up with when he moved in with her which means most of it has probably been going to him.
I confronted my sister about it. She said she didn’t tell me about the relationship because it was still developing. I told her I would stop covering half the rent going forward since she now has a roommate who should pay the other half. I will still pay the utilities, but I am cutting back on any extra cash.
She got upset and asked how she was supposed to manage on her income. I pointed out that she now has a partner. Surely he can subsidize. She told me he does not have a job. I responded that maybe it was time he got serious about finding one. I made it clear I didn’t trust the guy.
Someone being comfortable depending on her so early in a relationship felt like he was taking advantage. She accused me of being judgmental saying he is just going through a rough patch and needs her support until he can get back up.
She also accused me of trying to control her life because I help her out financially and I have no right to meddle in her personal life. We have not spoken in days and now I feel conflicted.
I genuinely believe he is using her and she’s using my support to enable it. I am not trying to control her life, but don’t like her being taken advantage of.
AITA?
Edit: Apparently people are shocked that I give her so much support. My sister and I got closer following the death of our parents a few years ago and I've taken care of her since. I've never minded until now. But perhaps it's time she learns to find her own footing?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I wouldn’t be paying the utilities either.
Your sister found herself a hobosexual. You need to be firm with her, no rent money, no extra money and starting next month no utility money. Restaurants, cleaning services, grocery stores and food delivery companies are always hiring. Jake could get a job if he wanted, he doesn't. I agree with you, she has a boyfriend/roommate he can pay his half of everything.
I bet the increase in money requests wasn't just for food, they were also for his cell phone, gaming subscription and new clothes. Maybe even his car payment, gas and insurance.
You weren't just helping her, you were outright paying for him. You sister basically stole from you, time to turn off the money tap. Permanently. Do you really think this is the first time she lied about supporting a deadbeat boyfriend?
NTA. I get irrationally irritated when my sister reports she's having financial problems & I know she has a boyfriend of many years. Its not your job to pay for a grown ass man to lay around all day.
If your sister is willing to give up financial help for a literal bum,that's on her. I was young & dumb & letting a man live off of me when I was her age too but no one was footing the bills except me.
NTA. Cut her totally off financially. She is an adult and living with an adult. Time for them both to live their own lives on their own.
Why should you be supporting your sister to begin with? You're setting yourself up to need to deal with such situation. And as expected started saying that you're going to have control of her life though she's receiving financial support from you while still not learning to be independent. You're NTA but I would not support my sister financially like you.
Your paying for all this and you run into her at a CLUB? Sorry but that's already a no for me.
Previous_Ganache8477 (OP)
Is that terrible? A little fun doesn't hurt anyone, does it?
I mean, it was fun on your dime- if you're ok with that, that's your business.
NTA And you're generous for still wanting to pay half. I would've cut her off completely. If she doesn't like it she should date employed people.