'AITA for cutting off my sister financially after finding out her unemployed boyfriend is benefiting from my money?' UPDATED
"AITA for cutting off my sister financially after finding out her unemployed boyfriend is benefiting from my money?"
Throwaway account. My sister (23F) works as a cashier and earns barely above the minimum wage in our state, so I(30M) have been supporting her financially. I pay half her rent and her utilities and regularly send extra money for things like groceries or hair appointments or whatever she needs money for.
I never really minded because I earn about four times what she does. About five months ago, she started asking for money much more often. She always had a reason and I sent her money without question because I want her to feel I will always help her out.
Then last week, I ran into her at a club with a guy(Jake, 27M) she introduced as her boyfriend. When I asked how long they had been together, she said a few months which surprised me since I knew nothing about it. She got evasive and annoyed when I asked her more questions. That made me uneasy.
I just wanted to make sure my sister was with someone decent, you know? So I called one of her friends the next day and asked about Jake. The friend didn’t have a high opinion of Jake. She told me Jake has been basically unemployed for over two years because he can’t keep a job.
He moved in with my sister four months ago after they had only been dating for a month. He stays home while my sister goes to work and isn’t really doing much to get a job. I knew nothing about this.
I have been paying rent for an apartment he lives in without contributing anything. I also realized that my sister’s increased requests for money lined up with when he moved in with her which means most of it has probably been going to him.
I confronted my sister about it. She said she didn’t tell me about the relationship because it was still developing. I told her I would stop covering half the rent going forward since she now has a roommate who should pay the other half.
I will still pay the utilities, but I am cutting back on any extra cash. She got upset and asked how she was supposed to manage on her income. I pointed out that she now has a partner. Surely he can subsidize.
She told me he does not have a job. I responded that maybe it was time he got serious about finding one. I made it clear I didn’t trust the guy. Someone being comfortable depending on her so early in a relationship felt like he was taking advantage.
She accused me of being judgmental saying he is just going through a rough patch and needs her support until he can get back up. She also accused me of trying to control her life because I help her out financially and I have no right to meddle in her personal life.
We have not spoken in days and now I feel conflicted. I genuinely believe he is using her and she’s using my support to enable it. I am not trying to control her life, but don’t like her being taken advantage of. AITA?
Edit: Apparently people are shocked that I give her so much support. My sister and I got closer following the death of our parents a few years ago and I've taken care of her since. I've never minded until now. But perhaps it's time she learns to find her own footing?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I wouldn’t be paying the utilities either.
Your sister found herself a hobosexual. You need to be firm with her, no rent money, no extra money and starting next month no utility money. Restaurants, cleaning services, grocery stores and food delivery companies are always hiring. Jake could get a job if he wanted, he doesn't. I agree with you, she has a boyfriend/roommate he can pay his half of everything.
I bet the increase in money requests wasn't just for food, they were also for his cell phone, gaming subscription and new clothes. Maybe even his car payment, gas and insurance. You weren't just helping her, you were outright paying for him. You sister basically stole from you, time to turn off the money tap. Permanently. Do you really think this is the first time she lied about supporting a deadbeat boyfriend?
NTA. I get irrationally irritated when my sister reports she's having financial problems & I know she has a boyfriend of many years. Its not your job to pay for a grown man to lay around all day.
If your sister is willing to give up financial help for a literal bum,that's on her. I was young & dumb & letting a man live off of me when I was her age too but no one was footing the bills except me.
NTA. Cut her totally off financially. She is an adult and living with an adult. Time for them both to live their own lives on their own.
Why should you be supporting your sister to begin with? You're setting yourself up to need to deal with such situation. And as expected started saying that you're going to have control of her life though she's receiving financial support from you while still not learning to be independent. You're NTA but I would not support my sister financially like you.
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
I don't know if anyone still cares but it's been almost two months since my first post and thought I would post an update after recent developments because a couple of people have been asking me about it.
Following my post and your comments, I decided to follow through with my decision to stop paying half the rent for my sister as well as half the utilities. It was a terrible feeling honestly.
I felt like I was failing the promise I made to her to always be there for her after our parents's death. I tried texting her a couple of times to check on her but her answers were always very cold and passive aggressive about just how happy she was with her hobosexual boyfriend (thanks Reddit).
I resorted to getting updates from her friend (the one who told me about Jake) until my sister found out and crashed out on her and called her a traitor. Apparently, Jake convinced her to cut her friend off for being toxic and she did.
She called me and told me to stop trying to meddle in her life since I refuse to help her anymore. I decided to give her the space she wanted and I didn't hear anything from her over the last three weeks or so.
But a week ago, her friend called me and told me my sister was at her place and she needed me. She gave me a rundown of what had happened. My sister and Jake broke up after weeks of arguments over Jake's spending habits and the fact that he still didn't have a job. She found out he'd lied about applying to a few jobs and confronted him about it. During their fight, he was physical with her.
I would like to say this is the point she came back to her senses but that's not what happened. She allowed him to sweet talk and guilt trip her. Until she returned from work to find him trying to sneak another woman out of the apartment. When she confronted him, he got aggressive towards her again and she finally told him to get out.
Jake refused because he apparently has occupant rights after having loved there so long (7 months). So she left and went to her friend's place which was when she told her everything. I drove over there immediately. My sister could barely look at me because she was ashamed. She kept apologizing for not realising I was only trying to protect her and I told her to stop.
She brought up how Jake wouldn't leave and I told her we could file a restraining order against him for assault. She didn't want to do it at first but we managed to convince her that that was the fastest way to get him out of the apartment.
We went and had the order filed the next day and we were granted a temporary protective order. Thankfully, Jake didn't try to fight it after it was served to him, though I suppose he didn't have choice.
It's been a calm few days and we've since had a conversation about what comes next. She's going to find a smaller place with a roommate which will cost her less than her current apartment. I'm not going to subsidize her monthly anymore but I'm not abandoning her either.
I'll help her out if it's something she's genuinely having difficulty handling herself but she has to try to live within her means. I don't think she was happy about it but she accepted. I also mentioned that if she would like to go back to school and better her job prospects, I would help her out. She says she'll consider it.
Sorry for the long post, but writing this was very therapeutic for me. Thanks for all the advice on my first post. Hopefully, my sister has matured a bit more form this experience.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Sounds like she learned her lesson the hard way, but it’s so awesome that she learned it.
Maaaaaan i’m really glad your sister is okay and her eyes were opened cause…WOOOOOW this guy was such a loser…OP you were NTA in the first post and you most certainly are NTA now.
You did what you had to do and there's nothing wrong with that. You followed through on what you said you were going to do. Your sister is an adult and she's responsible for the choices that she makes. Her and her boyfriend both need to pay their bills.
You can still care about your sister that doesn't mean you're meddling that means you care about what happens to her. She is going to realize that making the same mistakes will give her the same results you just have to let her figure that out for herself. But you did the right thing.
Just be thankful the guy was obvious about the cheating because it sounds like she would have stayed with him up to and past him hitting her. I hope she understands that because if she doesn't this will happen again.
I've had to learn the lesson about financially, emotionally and psychologically toxic partners the hard way, and I'm almost (almost!) glad for your sister's sake that her idiot ex got physically aggressive with her, because it meant she finally had to stop being in denial about what an idiot he in fact was (still is, I assume).
It sounds as though she's beginning the process of getting her act together, and your refusal to continue subsidizing her day-to-day existence while still letting her know that you'll be there for her if things get desperate or if she wants to invest in her future is helping her do that. Let her be somewhat unhappy with you now.
You're helping her learn to stand on her own feet, and that lesson will be far, far more valuable to her than you paying half her rent for the rest of her life would be. It sucks, knowing that you aren't self-sufficient day to day and don't even really know how to be.
You might not be aware of how much it sucks if you've never known anything else, but the confidence and pride that comes with self-sufficiency is like those old Mastercard commercials: priceless. I'm glad your sister is headed in a better direction now. May she continue on that path, and may your relationship with her flourish in the future.