'AITA for cutting my MIL out of my life even though she's terminally ill?'

"AITA for cutting my MIL with terminal cancer out of my life?"

I (29F) have been with my husband, Alex (28M), since high school. Initially, his mom, Linda (49F), seemed nice, but over time, things became toxic especially when she realized she could use me as leverage to control him.

At 16, she gave him a box of job applications for his birthday, forced him to work 30 hours a week just to see me, and made him hand over every dollar he earned. Meanwhile, Alex’s younger brother, Mike (23M), was babied and constantly told he was the “better son.”

The favoritism was blatant. Mike received lavish gifts like an iPad for Christmas, while Alex got socks. It was constant, obvious, and hurtful. When Alex turned 18, he moved in with me and my parents. He had paid for his own car, but since it was in Linda’s name, she took it away when he left.

So, I financed my first car and gave him the one my parents had gotten me, because he still had about six months of high school left and needed a way to get to school and work. We’ve always figured things out for ourselves without financial help from anyone.

Sure, we got advice or help moving furniture, but we paid our way—no one paid our bills. Still, she’d go around telling people that she was paying for our stuff, or that my parents were footing all the bills. I mean—my parents wished they had that kind of money. But that was never the story.

We got engaged when Alex was 18 and I was 19, and of course, Linda was not thrilled. Around the same time, she was diagnosed with cancer, so we swallowed our pride and tried to be supportive. Then she offered to rent us an apartment she managed, and even though my whole family warned us not to do it, we wanted independence and took the deal. That turned out to be a mistake.

She did everything she could to break us up before the wedding even made a bet with family members about how fast we’d fail. But we didn’t. After we were married, the AC in the apartment broke during a brutal Texas summer. She refused to fix it, and we were paying $300+ electric bills for a tiny apartment. So we bought a portable window unit.

She later noticed and told us to remove it because it “violated the lease.” I finally snapped and said no. She served us with a 3-day eviction notice delivered by a sheriff. She told everyone we were broke and crawling back to my parents. Instead, we moved into a bigger, better rental the very next day, thanks to a small army of people who showed up to help. That was the first time we cut contact.

Over the years, she’s sent me unbelievably cruel messages—including texts like “The world would be better off without you, fat pig.” I’m not going to pretend I was always the bigger person—when I was younger, I fought back. I defended myself. But at some point, I stopped engaging.

She wanted a reaction, and I got tired of giving her that satisfaction. What hurt the most wasn’t even how she treated me—but how she constantly hurt Alex. After two years, we let her back in when Alex had emergency surgery. Things were calm for a while. When her cancer returned, we tried again—we took her to appointments, brought Christmas to the hospital, helped with home health, all of it.

Alex even helped a friend of hers organize a fundraiser to support her. Mike didn’t show up, but Alex did the work. They raised thousands of dollars. I begged him not to give the money directly to her, but he did anyway—and every single penny was gone within days. All of it spent on gambling.

Even then, there were cracks. She’d make excuses for why she couldn’t celebrate Alex’s birthday or visit our home, even though we lived in a nice four-bedroom house. The last Christmas we spent together, I had bought and prepped everything to host.

Last minute, she changed the plans and insisted it be at her tiny 800 sq ft apartment—and invited a bunch of people we didn’t know (which was fine, more the merrier). But I still ended up doing all the cooking and cleaning in a cramped kitchen. I didn’t even get to eat because there wasn’t any food left after serving everyone, and we stayed until midnight.

Later, she told people we “just showed up, ate her food, and left.” Then she got kicked out of the apartment she managed—for stealing rent money to fund her gambling habit. She called crying, asking to move in with us. And yes—she knew we had plenty of space. But I said no.

Alex and I had worked hard to build a stable home, and we didn’t want to bring that kind of chaos in—especially with her cancer stable and her gambling still clearly ongoing.

She ended up getting another apartment. We thought it had blown over—until out of nowhere, she messaged Alex a long, cruel rant: told him he was a horrible son, said I was a horrible person, claimed we never helped her through her cancer (not true), that she was embarrassed by him, and that she was just grateful she had Mike instead.

She even threw our miscarriage in our face, saying she was “offended” we only texted her instead of calling. (At that time, I could barely speak to anyone, let alone pick up the phone.) That was the final straw. We didn’t make a dramatic announcement—we just quietly went no contact.

Now Mother’s Day is coming up, and Alex wants to go see her. I’m not stopping him. I never have. But I don’t understand why he wants to keep showing up for someone who has spent his entire life trying to tear him down. She lies about us, guilt-trips him, weaponizes her illness, and always finds a new way to hurt him when he lets her in. So… AITA for cutting my terminally ill MIL out of my life?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

TarzanKitty said:

NTA. However, your husband can choose what relationship he wants with his own mother. You absolutely do not need to be involved.

Daddy_thick_legs said:

It's his mother, he is trauma bonded to her in the true sense. He wants her approval, he wants her love. I have a similar experience with my own family. I just want them to love and support me (i'm very limited contact now) There isn't much you can do from your side, except support him. If/when she passes it will be a lot harder on him.

OP responded:

My husband has had a pretty messed up childhood all around. Not only was his mom a narcissist his dad left when he was 5 and came back in the picture when he was like 14 (around when we starting dating) with a WHOLE new family multiple step kids and a half sibling.

I don’t know so much anymore if it’s her approval or he is worried what she will tell other people. He gets calls from his grandma telling him he is a bad person for not spending time with her. She knows what has gone on and doesn’t care. It’s a mess.

Fitnsislife said:

Just make it clear to your husband that you will support his wanting to have a relationship with his mom, but you don’t have to have one. And no, don’t torture yourself. Some of us have had to cut off our own moms because of sheer toxicity.

Lisa_Knows_Best said:

You can't stop him from seeing her but don't let him give her any money. That's your money too not just his to throw away on his AH mother.

amiecat123 said:

NTA, but I agree with another commenter. If/when she passes, there’s a possibility he’ll resent YOU if he feels you kept him away, even if it was only implied that he should. He has to make the decision for himself.

I would highly encourage getting him to start therapy, though. Sounds like he has a lot of things to process and may need to learn some techniques on dealing with this kind of mother. Boundaries, gray-rocking, managing the image he has of himself. You’ve already learned how to gray-rock and that’s a good start - now let’s stock the arsenal.

And OP responded:

He did recently start therapy so hopefully he will have a break through about things and grey rocking is such an important tool. It’s helped me in so many different toxic areas of my life.

Alert-Potato said:

Terminal cancer? She's had cancer for ten years. Whether it's been "terminal" for ten years, or is only terminal when it's convenient to try to use her cancer to manipulate people doesn't matter. Cancer isn't a free pass to be evil.

Removing her from your life is absolutely the most appropriate move.

And OP responded:

My husband has had a pretty messed up childhood all around. Not only was his mom a narcissist his dad left when he was 5 and came back in the picture when he was like 14 (around when we starting dating) with a WHOLE new family multiple step kids and a half sibling.

I don’t know so much anymore if it’s her approval or he is worried what she will tell other people. He gets calls from his grandma telling him he is a bad person for not spending time with her. She knows what has gone on and doesn’t care. It’s a mess.

She later shared this update to clarify some things:

First—I don’t want to paint myself as a saint. When I was younger, I absolutely fought with my MIL. I matched her energy more than once. I was angry, hurt, and defensive, and I pushed back. But around 25, I just got tired of it. I stopped engaging. I started choosing peace.

And looking back now, the things she said and did to me as a teenager are wild. I could never imagine saying those things to a 16-year-old girl. It really hits different now that I’m older.

Also—my husband doesn’t have a close or active relationship with her anymore. We’ve basically been low-to-no contact for quite a while now. So when he suddenly said he wanted to go see her for Mother’s Day, it really took me off guard. It’s not like they talk or spend time together regularly.

This wasn’t a “should I visit my mom like usual” kind of question—it was completely out of the blue, and that’s why it stirred up so many feelings.

One thing I didn’t mention in the original post: we still hear a lot about my MIL’s antics through my husband’s younger brother, Mike. He’s… very enmeshed with her. To an unhealthy degree. She’s run off girlfriends of his, taken his money, and while she still calls him “the favorite” sometimes, she’s turned on him plenty too. But no matter what she does, he keeps going back—even more than my husband ever did.

Growing up, my husband had a strained relationship with Mike, mostly because of the obvious favoritism. But now that they’re adults, it’s a little different. Alex recognizes that Mike couldn’t control how their mom treated them. It wasn’t his fault that she pitted them against each other.

So while we’re low/no contact with her, we still end up hearing the drama secondhand—usually through Mike venting or asking for help. It’s exhausting, honestly. And it’s part of why this Mother’s Day request caught me so off guard. We’re not dealing with her directly, but her influence still lingers in our lives in a hundred little ways.