'AITA for cutting ties with my brother in law and for being upset with my wife for her part in it?'
"AITA for cutting ties with my brother in law and for being upset with my wife for her part in it(below)? I'm sorry for the length."
BrendentheJet
I'm (33m) a happily married man. And my wife is my best friend. We are supposed to be a team and have each other's backs and best interests at heart. It's a cliche. It's cringe. But it's true. However. Something has came up and it has me doubting and looking at her differently. I want to know AITA for being upset with her for all this.
Long story short. About a year ago, my wife asked me to sell a spare vehicle that I was doing nothing with to her brother. His fiance and him shared a vehicle and it wouldn't do since they were moving to another state. Very reliable. Nothing flashy. KBB at $5000 to $6000.
She knew that I never used it. I definitely didn't need the money and am still not in a position where a loss would hurt me or matter to me. I didn't want to do it because if something did happen, I didn't want to be blamed or guilted or whatever. She assured me that wouldn't happen. He was a stand up guy, etc etc.
Went ahead and did it. Huge discount. $1500 opposed to KBB. She wasn't pushing me to sell it, but I could tell that she really really wanted me to. And her brother and I were on pretty good terms back then.
I even went ahead and said they could make payments due to moving expenses being pretty heavy. They offered to come up with something before the moved on June 10th. I said if they did that, then they wouldnt have to make a first payment until August. They came up with $250 and moved to Tennessee.
Now from June to August he ignores me. Normally he used to respond to my calls or texts almost immediately. So when he ignored my 4 or 5 texts.. nothing aggressive mind you.. just casual "oh hey how's it going out there." Or. "Hope everything is going well. Haven't heard from." I became a little hesitant. But not concerned. After all. I truly didn't and don't need the money.
Then I find out he's talking to my wife pretty regularly but ignoring me. He finally answers me at the end of August and says he will send me "something" by the end of the week.
Well the end of the week comes. He continues to ignore me. August turns into November. He's continually talking to my wife. She is talking with him like nothing is wrong. Talking to him like everything is fine. Never mentioning me or the situation with me once.
Finally I've had enough, I told him if he can't make the payments, I'll take the car back because my dad's friend will give me $6300 cash on the spot. No hard feelings. But Ill just take the car back.
He responds with sunshine and rainbows and apologies and promise after promise. I explain it's not the money, but the principle. I just needed communication and a little appreciation for doing a favor I never wanted to do that none of his friends or family would have done. He swears he will get me something by the end of the week. Promise excuse promise excuse.
The end of the week comes, then the month, then the end of the next month. My wife continues to talk to him as happy and as normal as ever. I lose it on him. He explodes and says some things he could never take back.
The argument turned into something that would end our relationship for ever. Well all this time he's been coming back to Colorado almost every month. So I ask when is he coming back so he can bring the car. He says itll be a year or 2.
At the time I'm working a lot and can't just drop everything and head out there. I go to get it transported. It'll be about $1900 to do so. I make arrangements with him to do it and then on the day of transport he hides the vehicle. I had to pay half up front and lose out on the money.
I explain to my wife I'm done and he's out of my life forever. I also find out that either before I said I'd take the car back or after, he trashed the vehicle. Wrecked the hell out of it. Trashed it inside.
I found out that my wife knew about that. I found out that since then she has kept along with talking to him and never one time getting upset with him or yelling at him or even just mentioning it once to him.
I then find out that 2 months or so he drove the car back here, she not only knew about it but also went and saw him. She knows how hard I've been trying to get it back from him. I won't call the cops. Just can't. I'm not that guy.
But she saw him. Saw him in it. Didn't tell me. Continues talking to him. And now I'm doubting everything and seeing her differently and am more than hurt and upset. She says I'm overreacting and being dramatic. What do I do? AITA? Am I overreacting? Wtf.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
sosopandicornio1
Get your car back, you were scammed and your wife didn't care.
BrendentheJet
My thoughts exactly. Thank you my friend. I appreciate the honesty.
SeaworthinessBig8083
Honestly forget the car and your BIL. I think your real problem is your wife. She has been lying to you for years, she manipulated you, she has shown zero care or empathy for your frustrations. This doesn’t sound like a life partner. Honestly not saying you should divorce but I would probably go with a convo like this.
“(Wifes name), I am really struggling with our relationship and trying to determine if I am done and moving towards divorce. You have been lying and covering for your brother for years, to your own husband who is supposed to be your partner.
You didn’t care about me nor did you care that I was hurt and upset. One mistake I could understand but you repeatedly and purposely continued to choose to lie and help manipulate me. I have zero desire to argue your point of view because you have blatantly betrayed my trust where it makes me wonder what else you might be lying about.
What I am curious about is where you want to go from here, do you just not care and we should proceed to divorce? I honest don’t know how to rebuild the lost trust and I am struggling with trying to understand who the person I married is, was this always you or did you change?”
BrendentheJet
I am genuinely, 100% going to use those exact words. Thank you. Seriously.. thank you🙏
davekayaus
NTA, of course.
Those words above are good, but before you use them I'd recommend a couple of 'before' actions.
Firstly, you need to accept the truth: your wife is not on your side, not one bit. She has been actively lying to you for years. These lies have cost you thousands of dollars. She does not care. This is who she is. A liar who supports people who lie to and steal from you.
Second: go a see a divorce lawyer - yes, before talking to your lying wife. Understand how things are likely to go in any prospective divorce settlement. This way you are starting the conversation with some knowledge of what to do next if things go in the divorce direction.
Third: separate your finances. Yes, before talking to your lying wife. She's let her brother clean you out so don't think for a second she will hesitate before doing the same to you while asking 'for time to think about things.'
Fourth: be kind to yourself. This is a situation she's created for you.
It's not your fault she has chosen to lie to you so significantly for so long.
Last: think about what your wife needs to change in order for you to feel comfortable staying in this marriage. Immediately cutting off BIL in every way seems like a minimum, but I'll leave that to you. Just think about what needs to change for your marriage to continue, and say that. Good luck.