'AITA for 'ruining' my kid's life after she ruined a dress?' UPDATED 2.5 YEARS LATER
"AITA for 'ruining' my kid's life after she ruined a dress?"
Ex (31) and I (m32) had Claire, (F16) way too young. We're friendly co-parents. One big rule we share is if our daughter breaks something, she pays for it. Now, sis (27) and I are the only grandkids. Aunt never married. Instead, she worked with Gma and Gpa at their seamstry store, and took it over when they retired.
Sis's girlfriend (29) proposed last year. Gpa offered to make FSIL a custom suit, which she was over the moon about. Gma had me ask Sis what her dream dress was and record the convo.
Sis, thinking it was just between us, told me in great detail what her dream dress was, though said it was way too expensive, so she would get something much cheaper. Well, a few months later Gma surprised Sis with her dream wedding dress. It fit perfectly and everyone cried.
Sadly, Gma recently passed away, which hit us all hard. Sis was devistated, but decided that the dress meant Gma would still be there with us at the wedding.
The issue comes in with Claire. She's very large, much larger then Sis. Three days ago, we decided to go visit Sis and see how she was doing. It was great, but then Claire asked if she could try on the dress. Sis politely said no. Claire made a face, but dropped it. Later, we decided to go grab dinner. Sis and I went to pick up our orders, but Claire decided to stay and play with Sis's dog.
We got back, and the dress was destroyed. Claire had apparently tried to get it on, popping some seams, and got stuck. Instead of waiting for help, she cut her way out. The dress was hacked to bits.
Sis was devastated and asked us to leave. I grounded Claire, and called Aunt with some pictures, asking if it could be saved. She said there was no. She said she'd make a new one, but it wasnt the same.
Then she dropped the bomb on me - Gma had hand sewed most of the dress, used super expensive fabric, and put almost 500 hours in making that dress, since it was the only family wedding we'd have. In total, the dress cost 12,000 dollars, give or take.
Claire has about 15,000 saved from various jobs, as well as winning writing competitions. This was supposed to help her in college. I took her to the bank and set in motion transferring all the funds, since as her parent I still have control over it. $12k to Aunt to pay for the new dress. $3k to my sister's wedding, as an emotional distress tax.
I explained exactly why this was happening to Claire, but she sobbed the entire time, asking what was she supposed to do for college and saying it wasn't her fault. I told her she could get a job if she didnt get a scholarship, and it was her fault for trying on the dress after she'd been told no, and for not waiting until we got back.
A few popped seams could have been fixed. Hacking the dress to pieces couldn't. Claire told my ex, and while she agreed Claire was in the wrong after the full story, said I shouldn't have "ruined her future" for a "free" dress. I reminded her of our rule, and she still thinks I'm wrong. So, am I the a^%&*le here?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
conch writes:
Honestly, I wouldn't pay for the college at this point. She should've been arrested and charged for the $12,000 in damages. It's not a tiny crime. That's a big crime. I get that your their parent and wanna support them.... but look at the type of person you're supporting.
$12,000 because of jealousy, and the excuse of not being aggressive enough in lockdown made her do it???
OP responds:
She was a child. A mentally ill child. A mentally ill child living in the middle of a major global crisis after just losing a family member who loved her. She didn't kill someone, of course we were going to try and make her better.
The idea that I could just easily abandon my minor child so easily is just awful. She paid for it, and does continue to pay for it in her own way.
hiddendestiny writes:
Honestly kind of unhappy that your daughter gets to just… live her life after what she did. Destroying your sister’s last gift from her beloved grandma on purpose. Monstrous.
She deserves to never have a single nice thing ever again. I would have taken the money, not had her at the wedding, refused even to be in the same room ever again, and told all her colleges what she did. But you and your sister are better people than me or your daughter. Your sister is a saint and you and your ex sound excellent parents.
OP responds:
My sister and I were raised by our parents before they passed that love was unconditional. And while this tested that, it proved true. She was a child. A mentally ill child. A mentally ill child living through a major global crisis. We're not going to punish her for the rest of her life for giving in to her illness.
We supported her, got her the help she needed, and while she does still have a lot to make up for to my sister, she's being given the chance. To do the kind of punishment you suggested is just cruel and vindictive, helping no one.
littlegoldifhs writes:
Helpful college student tip! At my university they have groups for specific issues at the counseling center. It might be helpful for her to have peers also navigating anger, in a very frustrating time (i went to one for a different issue and there was even a day we went to a yoga class together: it was great to have familiar faces).
Delighted that your sister was still able to take a little bit of grandma down the aisle with her. It must have been so special.
OP responds:
Thank you for the tip! She does still do virtual sessions with her therapist, but I'll mention this to her as well. See if perhaps she's open to having peers too.
Later OP came back with these edits:
Edit - since people are mentioning they don't understand the 3k, that was to make up to my sister that C destroyed the last gift our dead grandma ever gave her. I consider that part of the price of destroying the dress, since even if Aunt remakes it, its lost a great deal of its sentimental value.
I pointed out how young we has her because I wanted to explain how a 31 year old has a 16 year old kid. I do not resent having her, she's the best thing Ive ever done. I also brought up C's size because Sis has crohn's disease, and thus is very tiny. The dress was made her for size, and C is much larger then Sis. I love C as she is, but just holding the dress up, it was clear it wouldn't fit.
Edit 2 - to clarify, the money was C's "have fun at college" money, not her college fund. My ex and I are paying for whatever scholarships dont. When she was asking what she would do for college, she was askong what'd she do for fun and to buy things we didnt pay for. Again, the character count is very limiting, so i had to cut details to post.
Edit 3 - So, I got off the phone with my ex about 20 minutes ago. At some of your suggestions, I sent her the pictures, and she freaked. She apparently didn't believe me when I said it had be hacked apart, and believed it was just a few torn seams. She was pretty much on my side after.
She told me that she's spent the day badgering our daughter, asking her why she did what she did, and finally C cracked and said she was mad that Grandma wasn't alive to make her a dress, and that it was "unfair" my sister got a free beautiful dress as a reminder when my daughter got "nothing," despite the many things she was given after the funeral.
She tried it on, took it off when the seams popped, and then in anger hacked it apart. If she couldn't have a dress from Grandma, no one could. Her own words.
Honestly, knowing she did it on purpose has just made things worse. The fact that she could be so cruel, thats not the daughter we tried to raise. She will be going to therapy, whether that's in person when local therapists start taking new clients again or on one of those apps people have mentioned. We need to talk about it more. Her punishment stands as is, though we're going to see how therapy goes.
As for all the seamsters who have reached out, please know I'm touched by your kindness. I really am. My aunt is going to see if she can incorporate at least some of the fabric from the old dress into the new one, maybe at least try to save the beading, but if there's anything usable I'll reach out. I so so appreciate all of your offers, you're incredibly kind people.
I have yet to talk to my sister, but I have talked to her fiance. Sis isnt doing well. The stress has caused a crohns flare up, so she's stuck in bed sick. Which, honestly, I'm not surprised.
Crohns is often triggered by stressful events, so I was expecting it. I told fiance about Aunt making a new dress, and she promised to take the remains over to Aunt on Monday. She's thankful for us addressing the issue, but has asked for some space from Sis so she can recover and heal, and hopefully not end up in the hospital.
As for the 3k, we'll see what my sister's state is in a few days. If she has to go to the hospital, then the money is forefit for her medical bills, since it was C's selfishness that put her there, so she can pay for it.
f Sis does not end up in the hospital, then I'll consider giving it back after she's gone to therapy for a few months, if she's accepted what she did was wrong and worked to make amends. We'll see what the next few months bring.
About two and a half years later OP posted this update:
Hey everyone. It's been a long time, and a lot of things have happened. I think it's finally gotten to the point where I can post an update that many of you asked for. I'll do shortest update to longest update.
The dress: many of you reached out and offered to try and help, and I'm so thankful to you. I couldn't respond to everyone, but thank you so much. As some of you suggested, Gpa used pieces of the original dress to make accessories for my sister to wear, and she loved them.
She'll still wear some of the hair ties for special occasions. My aunt was able to make an almost perfect replica of the dress for the wedding, so while it wasn't the same, it was close.
My sister: she did have to go to the hospital to treat her crohns flare up. It was terrifying, and since she was immuno-compromised she did catch C19. I was so scared I was going to lose my baby sister, but thankfully she pulled through. She is now finally married to her wonderful wife.
My ex and I tried to have Claire pay for the hospital bills, but my sister refused to take the money. They do have good insurance, luckily. SIL was still pissed and torn about having Claire at the wedding, but my sister insisted.
Claire wasn't part of the wedding party, but she was still invited and joined their special day. While it's not forgotten or really forgiven, my sister is willing to move on, at least.
Finally, Claire. I think seeing her aunt so sick did help kickstart Claire realizing how wrong she'd been, since it was a domino effect of her actions in the first place that started all of this.
She herself admitted in therapy it was her jealousy over having to buy a wedding dress in the future instead of having one made for her like it was done for my sister.
She does still struggle with her anger at times, but it is getting better. It turns out she used to get all her anger and aggression in sports at school with her friends, which is why she seemed so calm all other times, but being in lockdown just forced everything to build up in an unhealthy way. Still not an excuse for what happened, but at least an explanation.
As I said in an update last time, my ex and I are paying for college for whatever scholarships Claire doesn't get, so at the time taking the 12k for the dress seemed right. I do still stand by that.
But after seeing how much she's worked on herself and on trying to repair things with my sister, I have given her back the 3k that my sister didn't take for hospital bills. She's also been working with my aunt and Gpa one day a week as well as editing other's essays to build back up her fun money.
I matched 50%, and gave it to her when she graduated. She started college in the fall with a few scholarships, and is continuing therapy. Things are still tedious with her and my sister, but they're working on it.
Claire has been trying hard, shown she really is sorry, and is trying to fix things. I still think we have a while to go, but we'll get there.