'AITA for calling my dad a bad father for refusing to financially support his kids?'
"AITA for calling my dad a bad father for refusing to financially support his kids?"
I 25M currently live alone. I have two younger siblings, 20NB (C) and 17M (J) who live with our dad. My dad (49) and his girlfriend are currently looking into buying a house together, and she has two teenage aged kids we all get along with well.
A few months ago I asked my dad and his gf about the possibility of me moving back in short term so I could save up money to pay off my car, and a balance in collections.
I specifically proposed it as, “Would you consider looking for a place that has a finished basement, mother-in-law suite, or even just an extra room that I would be able to rent from you short term so I can pay off debts and get my credit score up faster?” They said they would think about it and get back to me.
A few weeks later, my dad told me that, not only would he not even consider looking for a place with rentable space, but that I was lazy and entitled for even asking him. He told me I should’ve looked for a second job, or looked for a new job that pays more.
I work full time, 40-50 hours a week in a job I love, with a company I am very involved with. I explained this, stating the reason I asked him first is because I don’t want to sacrifice my healthy work-life balance or a job I love. This turned into a big argument that ended with me storming out.
I later learned my dad is demanding money from both of my siblings. He’s been demanding car insurance money from C and told J that he isn’t allowed to get his license until he has a job. When asked how he expects J to get to work without a license, he refused to answer.
He also got C a car that he knew they wouldn’t be able to drive as a graduation gift, and is demanding they save up money to buy a new one instead of helping them trade it in, while also demanding they save to move out.
C makes less than $400 a month and has been out of high school for barely a year. The summary of his response when I confronted him again was, “The purpose of life is to work, suffer, contribute, and die.
Anyone who doesn’t want to work and contribute is lazy, entitled, and has a disabled mentality. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect my kids to financially support themselves.
You should be grateful I’m helping you prepare for the real world.” This turned into another argument that ended with me saying, “You’re not right about everything. Sometimes you’re just a bad father.”
My dad is not poor. He is middle/upper-middle class. His brother (who has been unemployed for years) rents out their basement so his rent is not very expensive. He goes on regular expensive dates and 1-2 trips per year with his girlfriend. And he recently put hundreds of dollars worth of upgrades into his PC for gaming.
I understand expecting your kids to support themselves once they’re financially stable. But he won’t even help us try to get stable to begin with. My siblings, our mom, and several of my friends agree with me. But one of my siblings later said calling him a bad father was going too far. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA.
Just get a roommate.
ESH. If you need help with your bills, and you think your dad is not being nice to your 20yo sibling, the answer isn't to beg daddy for help or get mean about how he treats your sibling. You and your sibling should move into together to help each other. Then you don't need and wont have to deal with daddy no matter how he is or what he says.
ESH. Your dad is unnecessarily hard on his kids. But you’re 25. It’d be nice if helped you out since ha can he’s not obligated. It was AHish of you to call him a bad father, and more importantly unlikely to help loosen the purse strings.
His money isn't your money. If you're lucky you'll get some of it when he dies, although not with that attitude you won't. You're not an AH for wanting all that, you're an AH for expecting it. He's a bad father? Yeah, probably. And you're a terrible kid. A real chip off the old block. YTA.
NTA. Your father is allowed to decline your request, but he also sounds like a dick. He's not teaching any actual skills to his kids. You're just calling it like it is.
When you said that he's refusing to support his kids, I was ready to excoriate him. But. You're 25 and an adult, his parenting duties ended a few years ago. If you were going to be made homeless that would be one thing but you are just trying to pay down debt. If you want to go to bat for your younger siblings then that's up to you but, I don't believe your dad owes you anything. Sorry but...YTA.
You currently support yourself but want him to buy a house with you in mind? Damn! Get a roommate! Why don't you & your 20 yr old sib get a place? You have a cheaper place to live, sib gets outta dad's house. WIN WIN!
It'd be good if your sib stops expecting dad to pay their car insurance. Buying your own car insurance is a BIG adulting step. He's an AH for pushing your hs age sib to pay rent. High school IS a job! Is there public transportation your sib can use to get to a job?
If yes, your sib can take a bus like a huge number of other people in whatever country you're in & can get their own car & very expensive insurance. (Insurance for younger people is waaayy too high!) Truthfully, your dad can ask anything he wants from your sib, C, if they still live at home & don't already pay some sort of room &/or board. ESH.
It’s very nice when parents let their adult children live in their home, but it’s not required. The 17-year-old should be paying no rent because they’re a minor.
I get it. You’re not asking for a free ride just a helping hand to stabilize yourself while entering the adult word. I feel your father’s view on life is crappy. I will say NTA for calling him a bad father but I don’t think you are going to win this battle.