'AITA for what I said to my dad who cheated on my mom?' UPDATED

"AITA for what I said to my dad who cheated on my mom?"

I used to be really close to my dad but then he cheated on my mom was I was 13 (well that’s when she found out) and got his mistress pregnant and left my mom and married her.

my mom still made me go over and see them because apparently he still loved me. so now my dad and i have a weird relationship where i can’t cut him off because he’s my dad but I don’t like his wife (she tries to have a relationship with me and wants my approval but have some respect and leave me alone?) and don’t really want anything to do with the kid but am still nice bc it’s not his fault his parents suck.

I am 26 and have a boyfriend (gonna marry him one day he’s the one for me <3) and my dad wanted to meet him and talk to him. i joked ( but not really a joke) and was like haha are you going to be one of those dads who threatens their daughters boyfriends? are you gonna tell him not to cheat on me? are you even allowed to say that? or is that not a threat because you support cheating?”

my dad started crying which was new for me because I kid you not my dad is one of those retired army, football, steak, hunting, no crying kind of man. he told me that losing my brothers and me was the worst thing that’s ever happened and that he’s scared that my brothers will never talk to him again. He said he’s spent 13 years trying to be a good dad to me but I never came back to him.

He told me that his and my moms relationship had absolutely nothing to do with me and that he loved me more than anything. he begged me to forgive him and talked about how my mom forgave him and is happily married. he told me he just wants to make sure i’ll be safe with the guy and that he’s my dad and allowed to care about me.

i told him he’s hurt me worse than anyone so he’s hypocritical for trying to see if i’m dating a good guy or not. i couldn’t be there anymore and just left.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA. While the ins and outs of your parents relationship has nothing to do with you, the impact of his actions certainly does. It seems he’s now realised the true cost of his actions and is trying to guilt you into having a relationship.

Don’t introduce your boyfriend if you don’t want to, as your dad he’s allowed to care for you, but if he respected you at all, he would respect your choice of partner. Thinking he has to vet the person is so outdated and mysogynistic.

Al_Ivory said:

Nta. Your dad saying your lack of a relationship from his cheating is him reaping the consequences of his actions. Your mom may have gotten over what happened but what he did to your mom doesn't just affect them. It affected the whole family and each person individually.

moonpea said:

NTA, seriously though, "losing you was the worst thing that HAPPENED TO HIM?". Him cheating on his wife and abandoning his children didn't HAPPEN TO HIM, he did it, he directly caused his own current hurt.

That he was too selfish in the moment to be blindsided by what he wanted, that he didn't think ahead to how he could be affected long term, to how he could hurt his children long term is IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM YOUR FAULT. He doesn't get to blow up people's lives, and then cry about how he can't have this perfect relationship with the victims of his betrayal.

He's being selfish now still, putting the burden of forgiveness and his happiness on your ability to overlook his mistakes. He doesn't get to dictate how people deal with their hurt and betrayal. He doesn't get to ask that you "come back to him", to the way things were before he hurt everyone.

He's lucky you even speak to him at all, he's should be grateful that you still have a semblance of relationship with him, when the minute you turned 18 you could have, understandingly so, cut him out if your life.

I disagree with people guilting you into forgiveness, and moving on. You can do all those things and still hold him accountable for his actions. It's also unrealistic to try to separate his cheating on your mom as a spousal betrayal not a parental one, the way he left your mom matters.

If he was so unhappy, he could have divorced her. Instead, he cheated, got his mistress pregnant, and left. It's a lot to deal with for a young kid. He did things the wrong way, and now he's dealing with the consequences.

Paindepiceaubeurre said:

NTA, you felt betrayed by your dad and rightly so. He is lying to himself if he says that wrecking his marriage and leaving had nothing to do with his children. He must know that it definitely had an impact on his relationship with you and your brother. He’s allowed to have regrets though and he obviously still loves you.

However he has to respect your feelings and understand that you’re angry. Did he ever apologise actually?

Practical-Employ-644 said:

NTA. That being said, he doesn't sound like a bad father- just a bad husband. I believe that he does care for you and that the unforgiveable acts committed against his ex-wife should remain between him and his ex-wife. You don't have to forgive him for putting you through all the crap for the divorce, but keep an open heart for someone that seems to have one for you.

edit: these comments have helped me realize that while what I said was ok, it is obvious that I am still hurt and that I love my dad. I do think I want a relationship with him. Does anyone know what I should do about his wife though? super lost on that one

edit 2: Texted my dad and asked him when he's free to talk. He lives in the same state as me so I am happy we can have this discussion in person.

A few days later, she shared this update:

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice on the previous post. It really helped me realize that while I was still angry with my dad, I do want a relationship with him. I decided to take the advice from many of you and talk to him about my feelings.

He met me after work last night and we talked. I Told him that I loved him but was really upset at him. I told him that I needed to know the truth about if he really regretted his decision and to not worry about hurting anyone with the answer.

He told me that it was a hard question that he loved his wife and new son but loved me and my brothers and would always care and love my mom (not in love) so he regretted the way he went about it.

I told him that I’m going to therapy to help deal with it all, and that I need 1 on 1 time with him because the relationship has to remain separate from his wife. I told him that it means that she is never invited when I invite him over for meals and birthdays etc. I told him that If he chooses not to come because of my boundaries, its ok but I will not be budging.

i asked to speak to his wife and reiterated that I’m not comfortable with her in my life after what she did. i told her i know my dad is guilty too but i love him and had a previous relationship with him. she cried and said she really wants to be in my life and that the extended family is going to pick me over her.

it was kind of awkward and I know you all may think that i was rude but i can’t have a relationship with her without fixing mine with my dads. lastly, i talked to my mom and she said that her new husband is far better for her than my dad was and to not worry about her and that she’s proud of me for facing my feelings. my stepdad told me he’s proud too.

i invited my dad for dinner next week with my boyfriend and I ;) I'm really glad that my dad gets to meet him