Teen devastated after father prioritizes fiancée’s surgery over her own. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my dad he chose between me and his fiancée when he prioritized her surgery over mine?"
I(17f) have had a rocky relationship with my dad. My parents married after I was born, hoping to provide a stable family for me, but they divorced when I was 11 after my dad went to rehab, and things only worsened from there.
During rehab, he met his current fiancée, and they later had a kid(6F). Since then, my dad has been mostly absent from my life—whenever I have important events, he either has an excuse or doesn’t show. I’d estimate he’s been present for less than half of my events since their divorce.
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with scoliosis, and initially, surgery wasn’t needed. However, my condition got worse, and I was finally scheduled for surgery on 11/20 of this year.
I told my dad about it months ago, expressing how much I needed his support this time, and he promised he’d be there. But later, he texted to say he’d planned a vacation that would keep him away until mid-December, just as my recovery period would be ending. It broke my heart, but I accepted it.
Then, 2 hurricanes hit his vacation spot, and he told me he’d make my surgery. I felt a glimmer of hope. But then, just a week before my surgery, he texted again saying his fiancée’s lung cancer surgery had been scheduled for the same day, a few hours before mine, at a hospital 30 minutes away.
He said he “might not” make it to my surgery, but with him, “might not” usually means “won’t.” He added that this wasn’t about who he loved more. That message shattered me. I realized that no matter how much I hoped, he might never give me the attention and support I needed. I broke down on my kitchen floor that day.
After sitting with my feelings, I texted him to tell him how deeply his actions hurt me. I said it wasn’t only about love but about showing care, and that he’d given me hope only to let me down again.
I questioned if his fiancée’s surgery had really been scheduled last minute, or if he had known earlier but hadn’t told me. I asked him to show he was my dad through his actions, not just his words. He responded, insisting the surgery was only scheduled the day he’d told me. But because he’s lied in the past to save face, I reached out to someone who might know the truth.
I then sent a follow-up message, clarifying that my frustration wasn’t with his fiancée; it was with his ongoing absence and lack of support. I said that even if his reasons were genuine, he could have at least shown some empathy.
I told him I hoped he’d be a better father for my half-sister than he has been for me. In a final message, I made it clear that I was done putting in all the effort to maintain our relationship on my own.
I told him that if he wanted to be my dad, I would gladly be his daughter, but if he chose not to, I would be fine with that too. He hasn’t responded, and honestly, I’d prefer he just sit with what I’ve said. For once, I hope he really thinks about his actions and the impact they’ve had on me. So, AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Girl, you father hasn't shown up for you your entire life, what makes you think he is going to do it now, and furthermore, why do you allow him to have that power over you? He is not your 'father' he is the male who impregnated your mother. Stop elevating him to father status.
This man is going to support the person who he is making his life with, not the child he walked away from years ago. He doesn't prioritize you, and he never will - no matter what words he uses or promises he makes. Good luck with your surgery and focus on your recovery.
Yes, OP. I'm sure you'll find some one who will love you more than anyone else and will prioritise you. Don't waste your time on this dirtbag. He's not a father, he's just a sperm donor. And if it helps, I will be praying for you. I hope you have successful surgery and a quick recovery. Hugs ❤️
Lung cancer surgery for fiancée trumps daughter-who-still-has-mom scoliosis surgery, but otherwise, from what you’ve said about his reliability, NTA. Maybe send fiancée a note wishing her luck, and if it was a lie, shirt will hit the fan… (And best wishes to you for a speedy recovery!)
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
Hey guys, been awhile. Thanks for your love, I’ve been dragging my feet on an update but here it is. Surgery recovery has been great, I’ve been in therapy since 12, so my therapist knows everything about my dad.
Can I just say it’s weird seeing my story posted on other apps with subway surfers and wood work? Love that people think my dad is a sperm donor and not a dad across all platforms.
Senior night is on Valentine’s Day which I’ve told him weeks in advance saying “games start at 7 usually but I would get at the school 30 minutes early since we will probably do it before the game.”
I texted his mom(Memaw) to ask him if he was going and he texted her: “oh I never got a date, she doesn’t tell me anything.” BS! I told her I’ll go NC if he doesn’t go and I will go LC if he does go.
If he wants to know? He can freaking ask and write it in his calendar. I told my mom to stop staying neutral and tell me why he acts like this, the relationship is almost ruined so there is no point in her trying to save it.
He likes to play victim, try to make it sound like my mom doesn’t want him around, uses it as an excuse to make him look like a good guy. I’ve seen text messages when I was younger of my mom trying to get my dad to make an effort.
I showed her the first post so I’ll send her this one too, hi mom, the kindle had screenshots of some convos ily, I saw them in August when I found it so I knew for awhile. I see my mom in a new light now. She will be walking me down the aisle and my first dance, she sacrificed so much of herself for me. She is not only mom but my dad.
For non Americans, senior night usually involves seniors and chosen people to walk them across the floor. My dad walked me down for my fall senior night, but he will not be one of my people this Friday.
I am desperate to keep contact with my sister, I know Memaw will help me with that. I know that if fiancé and dad break up, he will do the same thing to my sister. Friday came and passed, my dad got p!ssy when he realized I didn’t want him to walk me across the gym floor.
He along with Memaw and my sister left during halftime. (We did the walk before the varsity game and pep band can’t leave the stands until third, same as marching band plus Memaw has been to previous basketball games along with football games).
I left dad a long voice mail and message Friday for leaving especially since my sister begged to see me and he refused her. I told Memaw I was disappointed that she left when she knew what happens at games.
Monday I finally sent him boundaries and blocked him. I know I’m going to cry later, this is going to be hard for me. Thanks for your support, it means a lot to me throughout this journey.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Hi, I’m you 30 years in the future. He doesn’t change. For your own well being, move on with your life without him in it.
Hel, I'm 30 now. I can say the same thing. He won't change. He'll call you once maybe twice a year when its convenient for him. Maybe send gifts that show how much he doesn't know who you are and what interests you, maybe not.
Send you the occasional pitty party call or text. "Call me." "We dont talk enough." Etc. Honestly its easier if he just forgets you exist and doesn't reach out at all. Easier to not get hopes up.
Baby, talking from experience, I’ll say that not having a dad is way better than having a intermittent dad.
The best thing to do is dial down the contact and wait to see if he makes the effort. Usually, but not always, becoming quieter and making less contact will draw him to you. I also wonder what his fiancee is like. Is she a fly in the ointment?
This is what I wanted to say too. I think Op should back off and see what the dad does. You really can't force someone to have a relationship with you. It's better to see what people will do on their own.