'35-year-old dad diagnosed with a terminal illness. How do I tell my 4 year old little girl?' UPDATED
"35-year-old dad diagnosed with a terminal illness. How do I tell my 4 year old little girl?"
Warning: This story deals heavily with death.
Hey everyone. I'm not looking for sympathy, but for insight on how I can tell my daughter I'm going to die. I was diagnosed with a disease that's given me an expiration date. While the doctors haven't been able to give me any actual time line their best guess is two years max.
I've come to terms with this. I've always known living forever wasn't possible and to be honest, another younger me would of welcomed it with open arms. But all that changed when my daughter came into the world.
I'll save the dad rant because every father is suppose to know their daughter is one of the most important things for them to ever have in their lives and vice versa (IMO). I love this girl with everything I am and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt her and every time I try to say anything to her or my ex.. that's what I feel like I'm doing.
Ex knows something's up but isn't pushing it because she knows that pushing makes me push back harder. Money won't be an issue after I'm gone for various reasons I don't feel comfortable with sharing online so I'll know they'll never go without.
But how do I tell her?
How can I tell my little girl daddy's going away?
How the hell am I going to break her heart like that?
I don't really know what to expect posting this. My councilor hasn't been much help with this part. Any prayers or things like that I ask that you keep for someone you love and please.. If you have a father, call them and tell them you love him.
Edit: I wanted to say thank you to everyone. I've been responding to everyone the best I can, but have been in the hospital for the last few days. Please. Tell both your kids and parents how much you love them.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Write letters to her for her mom to give her at various points in her life. Birthdays, christmases, High school graduation, College graduation, wedding, births of children.
Tell your ex wife. Then you can tell your daughter together. A unified front is important here, I think, if for no other reason than your ex will be dealing with this as much as you in your remaining time.
At some point, you'll want to sit her down and prepare her for what your remaining time will look like. Talk about how you'll get sick and what that will look like. She's old enough to understand what you being sick might look like.
I was going to suggest this too.... Sorry you, and your little girl, are facing this. Also, ... pack a box, or something, to make sure she has "pieces" of you. A shirt you wear often, that she will remember.
Items with your handwriting, a recording of you reading a favourite story or something. Maybe an SD card or external drive with pics and videos of you/her, that she might have trouble accessing otherwise.
Piggy backing.... Grab different age appropriate books from the library and record yourself reading them. Write your own memoirs and record them. Record yourself singing your favorite songs.
Record yourself talking directly to her about milestone events that will happen in her life. Just hearing your voice will help her, and you, stay connected. She will never forget you, but these little moments that she can experience "with" you will mean the world. Best wishes to you, my friend.
Edit: we should all do this. You never know when our time will come. If you ever feel that you didn't put your stamp on history, this is your opportunity. I'm inspired, thank you friend.
Almost six months later, the OP returned with an update.
The first three months were amazing!! I spent every moment with her she's learning so much so fast!! We played, took pictures and made stupid little home movies. We painted and coloured for almost a week straight!! I spent it with her making memories so she'll remember as I was.
I emailed the address I made for her several times.a day. Just stories of me when I was a stupid kid, fatherly advice, pictures of us, stuff like that. I recorded myself reading the Harry Potter books.
I bought 16 years worth of Christmas/birthday cards and presents. They're all at my bank and will be released for her when it's the time. I bought 3 bottles of wine that were bottled on her birthday. One for her graduation, one for her wedding, and one for when she has her first child.
I'd like to thank all that commented or pm'd me. You're all loved and I hope that you can read the words if a dead man and grant me one last request. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Good bye internet.
Good bye Monkey. I'll always love you.
Making an edit:
I logged in this morning and am moved by your kind words. I hope the message he shared is taken to heart and you tell someone you love how much you care.
I've gotten PM's from several kind hearted people asking if there was a way to donate to help our daughter and, while appreciated, there's no need. She'll never be without.
Please, if you want to do something kind then donate your time at your local shelter to help those less fortunate feel like they are loved, or to any cancer research charity so we can stop this from happening to other families. We love you all and please let your hearts be open to nothing but love.
A little while later, the OP's ex-wife added a final message.
I want you all to know that I had no idea Scott made this post. He loved our daughter and being a dad since It came easy to him. He died in his sleep in his and I got this email with the account and the request to post this saying he couldn't himself. Thank you all for your kind words. Thank you all for being a caring community.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
This is beautiful. What an incredible father. Please make sure that the email address he made for her stays active and doesn't expire. They expire usually after a few months if you don't login to the account every once in awhile.
I lost an account I barely accessed years ago (I had been emailing to it as back up storage but rarely logging in, before flash drives were so cheap and accessible). Check the policy for the email provider.
Aaaaaand I’m bawling into my coffee. My heart hurts for your loss but I’m so happy that he was able to leave those things for your daughter. I hope you are doing ok. As soon as I read this I grabbed my son (almost 1) and hugged him so tight and told him I love him sooo much.
I take it for granted that my husband and I will both grow old and see him grow up but nothing in life is guaranteed and your story is an inspiration to never miss a chance to tell my family I love them. Hugs to you and thank you for sharing this very special story.
Six months.... imagine being given a diagnosis of two years and it was really only six months. He didn't even make it to his daughter's fifth birthday. Reading this was like hitting a wall while on a train.