'AITA for telling my dad he did make a mistake when he remarried to give me and my sister a mom again?'
"AITA for telling my dad he did make a mistake when he remarried to give me and my sister a mom again?"
This was a very unexpected talk with my dad that turned into a fight and I'm (28M) here to ask if I'm TA. Basically my dad told me he had spoken to the wife of one of his closest friends and she had told him he married for all the wrong reasons the second time and it was a big mistake on his part.
He didn't agree with her and argued with her on the the reasons he married a second time. Then he went to talk to my sister (24F) who didn't engage but I did. For context, our mom died when we were 3 and 7.
A year later dad was dating again and after 7 months of dating he married his second wife. His intent was to give us another mom because he felt like we needed one and he also felt like he couldn't do it alone. They divorced 9 years ago but they share custody of their two children so she's not out of his life. Although they are high conflict.
When my dad came to me he told me about his discussion with his friend's wife and how he couldn't get an answer out of my sister. He told me to tell him the wife of his friend had been wrong and he did the right thing, that his decision gave me and my sister a mom again.
Instead of that I told him the truth which is that it was a mistake because she was never our mom and we never needed him to be with someone else for that, that he had been enough for us.
He asked me what two young kids would do without a mom and I told him we had a dad. He was still involved in our day to day lives and care so what did he need her for if he didn't marry her for love?
He said he thought we'd loved her and that we'd thrived with a mother's love. Then he brought up his ex's anger at him in the latter years and her comments that the three of us never gave a darn about her. He asked me if that's what she meant and I said probably.
He was saying that wasn't his fault and he didn't understand me and the friends wife saying marrying was a mistake. I said he never really loved her and he only married her to give us a mom and that we never accepted her as our new mom.
I pointed out how his ex likely felt that and over time grew more discouraged because it wasn't just me but my sister too. And he was never very affectionate with her either.
Then it turned into a fight with dad saying I disrespected his choices by calling them mistakes and that I disrespected him by not trusting the new mother he had chosen for us.
It annoyed me and I told him that. I mentioned how we had a mom and it didn't look too good in my eyes to act like she could be so easily replaced. And that's when we just straight argued about what I said and about his decision and he's mad that I said it was a mistake.
Maybe that's me putting too many words in his mouth. But it did fail because his ex is not someone I ever regarded as a mother and I have not seen or spoken to her in a decade. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. If he married to “give you a mom.” Shouldn’t you and your sibling had gotten to choose the mom?
Right? If the whole point was to give them a mom, shouldn’t they have had a say in who that was? You can’t just marry someone and expect kids to automatically feel that bond.
Your father knows deep down that his 2nd marriage was a mistake. Your honesty is the best policy. Honest answers to honest questions. Actually your father should be proud that you/your sister that he was enough parent, that a substitute mom was unnecessary.
Connect-Roof-8353 (OP)
You'd think he would be. I think more parents should be made aware that their kids don't need replacement parents, they just need the parent(s) they have to keep doing their best. I think in a lot of cases single parents are more capable than they realize.
Not to say a single parent can't want relationships. Of course they can and should have if that's what they want. But it doesn't need to mean a new mom/dad for your kid(s)!
Of course NTA. He knows he f'd up and he's desperately trying to repaint facts so he's not the bad guy that he is. His heart was in the right place, but his head was directly up his own @$$. And still is, apparently.
Your dad asked for an answer and didn’t like the one you gave him. NTA.
NTA. He asked you a direct question. You answered him. If you’d volunteered this out of nowhere, that would be one thing - but he asked you. So, he’s the one being disrespectful by being angry with you when he didn’t like the answer to his question.
You and your sibling were small children who’d just lost your mother. If he thinks those hurt little versions of you owed him and this woman more than they got - and they got a lot from you if he didn’t know any of this - he’s delusional.
He didn’t want your opinion. He decided long ago what you have to think, and he’s infallible.
Your dad did this picking out a mom for you kids like he was picking out a shirt to wear. Oh this looks good and this will work. This lady probably after some time figured out he didn't love her and that's why the marriage didn't last. He can't pick out and "give you a mom". You kids have a mom. She just isn't here anymore.
He wanted a clean house and someone to shut his kids up because he couldnt do it alone and wanted a bangmaid. Your father is a p.o.s. who only wanted a new living fleshlight to nanny you. NTA.