Dad escorted out of daughter's wedding; daughter finds post writes SCATHING response. AITA?

When this father upsets his daughter on her wedding day, he asks the internet:

"AITA for showing up to my daughters wedding uninvited?"

I (55M) have 6 kids. Ellie (28F), Justin (26M), Tess (20F), Miles (15M) and Mia (13F). The older 3 are from my first marriage, and the younger 2 from my second. I was married to each of their moms for about 10 years.

Around 3 years ago I decided to leave my wife, Lisa (50F) the mother of my younger two children. I was very open with Ellie about this, as she was the only one I could really talk to about it. Things were really hard at home for awhile, and I did cheat on Lisa before I asked for a divorce.

Lisa found out I was out at a bar till late one night, and I used Ellie as an alibi for the evening in question to reduce suspicion from Lisa. Lisa never found out the truth, but Ellie did. Ellie was furious with me, but did not tell Lisa.

Tess who was 17 at the time, went back and forth between my residence and her mothers house. With all the fighting and tension at my house, she asked to stay with her mother more.

Ellie and Tess are extremely close, to the point where Ellie calls Tess her "first child". (Their mother and I were not around a lot while Tess was growing up, and she would take care of Justin and Tess often.)

Tess confided in Ellie about wanting to move and Ellie encouraged her to bring it up to me. Ellie privately spoke to me about it, and I told her it was none of her business and that her opinion doesn't matter. She replied "when none of your kids talk to you, don't be surprised".

Over the next few months I would try and call Ellie to confide in her and talk to her about my problems, and she stopped taking my calls and eventually stopped responding to my texts all together. Tess moved in with Ellie the day she turned 18, and I have barely seen her since.

Fast forward to now, two weeks ago my daughter Mia told me she needed money for a dress. I asked her why, and she said "I need a dress for Ellies wedding in two weeks.". I didn't even know my daughter was engaged and I have never met the man she is with.

I found out the details from Mia who had a copy of the invite on her phone, and I showed up to the wedding. Immediately upon arrival, Justin and his friends came up to me and told me to leave.

I refused and said I had a right to see my daughter get married, but they persisted. We started arguing and my younger kids mom came over to me and told me that Ellie doesn't want me there, so I left.

I sent Ellie a letter a few days later detailing how hurt I was by her actions and her just cutting me out of her life for no reason. My son Justin saw the letter, and said I was an asshole for doing that, and now Im second guessing it. AITA?

TLDR; daughter didnt invite me to wedding, but I went anyways, after being kicked out I wrote her a letter detailing why I was upset, and my son said I was in the wrong and now I feel badly.

Before we share OP's daughter's response, let's read some top comments:

dagmu6 writes:

So, you parentified your 8yo daughter because you couldn't be bothered to be around for her growing up, leaving a small child to raise two other kids when you weren't home, told her "her opinion doesn't matter",

use her as your own personal therapist, confide in her that you used her as an alibi for your infidelity, and are shocked that they've gone no contact with you?

YTA. Seek counseling to deal with your issues and maybe that lack of perspective outside your own rear end since your head seems so firmly lodged up there.

fledsgins writes:

You burdened a 17 year old with your marital stresses. You used your daughter as an alibi to cheat on your wife.

You then gaslight the shit out of her and tell her your affairs are none of her business, after you literally went out of your way to involve her.

Instead of taking accountability for your actions you harass your daughter, once again, burdening her with your problems. You barge into her wedding uninvited to *once again* initiate drama.

You make her wedding about YOU. You write her a letter talking about how SHE has failed YOU.

Sir....you are absolutely the problem. YTA and have been wildly inappropriate on several levels. If you don't understand that simple breakdown then Reddit can't help you. Stop putting your dick and your problems in places they don't belong.

poenoyhen writes:

The time for you to show up for your daughter has long passed. You don't get to decide the public facing occasion is the time where you show up, make a scene, argue with your other kid, and then send her a letter blaming her for it.

You can write a letter detailing how you were hurt and upset, but expect her to pay the same amount of attention to that as you paid to her when she was upset and hurt. YTA.

haugny writes:

YTA. You cheated on your wife and used YOUR KID as your alibi (so fucked up)! Ellie approached you in confidence to give you a heads up about what’s going on with Tess. You told her to f off. a)

You said this knowing Ellie and Tess are very close. b) You said this knowing Ellie encouraged Tess to come talk to you. c) You said this knowing that Tess confided in Ellie for a reason, which I presume is that Tess doesn’t feel comfortable coming to you first.

And by your own admission, Tess didn’t want to live with you in the first place, which makes me believe you don’t have a great relationship with your daughter(s).

Despite the no-contact from Ellie and Tess, despite the fact you didn’t get an invitation, despite the fact you didn’t even meet the groom, you decided to show up to Ellie’s wedding uninvited. She clearly did not want you there.After all of this, you have the audacity to write her a letter explaining how she hurt you.

You are either delusional or malicious. There couldn’t be more signs telling you to stay away from your kids. I don’t know what you did in the past to make them hate you so much but the best thing you can do as a parent is stay away from them for now.

Because clearly you don’t have the capacity to understand you’re at fault, you’re miles away from fixing yourself in order to have a proper relationship with your children.

The best thing you can do is stay away from them and seek therapy. Until you can admit what you did wrong and work through it, please don’t bother your children.

kaopyt writes:

Ugh. Despicable. YTA. Your daughter is more of your nanny, your therapist, your cover, an employee who just happens to share your genes, to be your child. Have you ever asked how Ellie was?

Were you ever curious about Ellie and what was going on in her life, what thoughts bounced around in her mind? Do you even view her as an independent person? No. You just found ways to utilize your eldest child, as though it were her duty to serve you.

When she "quit" you, she excised you from her life and decided that, no, you don't need to know about her wedding or that she was engaged, or that she was in a relationship.

I doubt you ever even enquired about her, and she didn't bother to bring it up with you because you never actually seem interested in Ellie The Person. The fact that the rest of your children seem to be following in her footsteps is telling.

Most people want to have a relationship with their parents. If your kid wants very little to nothing to do with you, there's is most often a VERY good reason. This goes for anyone looking in on someone else they know's relationship (or lack thereof) with their parent/s or adult child.

This is why I have two parents (mom and stepdad) who are my Parents, and my dad who just happens to be my dad. His siblings know and understand why my brother and I are not close with him. They are on my side because they know exactly what kind of person he is.

Shame on you. You've made your choices and made your bed. Now you have to sleep in it.

And now, OP's daughter's response:

Joe, (I would say dad but, you never were one.) I can't really fathom the thought process behind posting this and not even bothering to change my name, or my siblings. Did you really think that someone who knows us wouldn't recognize the names and story, and send it to me??

I had to make an account just to respond. You weren't invited to my wedding, because I dont want you there or in my life. You had to send a letter, because I blocked you. You had to send a letter THROUGH MIA AND MILES, because you don't know where Tess, my husband and I live.

We intend to keep it that way. All I ever wanted was to protect Tess from the horendous childhood I had to endure, and to protect her from you. I only stayed in conatact so long because Tess was a child who was forced to see you, and I would never let her do that alone.

Without her, you wouldn't have heard from me a day after I turned 18. All I ever wanted was a dad, and it sounds like you can't even do that now. You left out SO much detail in this, but I suppose if you had to write very bad thing you did to us, it would be a novel.

Do all of us kids a favor, and leave us alone. Go enjoy your life with your newest affair partner, and just know Mia and Miles always have a stable home with me if they want one, since everyone knows you aren't capable of thinking of anyone but yourself for more thant 2 seconds. Ellie.

EDIT: Reading everyones comments is so validating, thank you all for your words.