'AITA for making my dad face the consequences of cheating on my mom with his wife by telling her and his family?'
"AITA for making my dad face the consequences of cheating on my mom with his wife by telling her and his family?"
My parents got divorced when I (17m) was 5. It was all kinds of awful because my dad acted like my mom was the worst person he knew and he kept that energy even after he remarried and had other kids and he and my mom hardly ever spoke.
Most of the stuff he said either wasn't true and he contradicted himself on all the lies or it was like wtf. Like how she went back to work after having me instead of being a SAHM and how awful that was. Or how she had the nerve to plan date nights when he was busy.
Almost three years after my parents divorced my dad remarried to his wife Anya and they had three kids together. I hated the way dad talked about mom. I hated that Anya was always quick to tell me I shouldn't be so quick to defend mom. But they were good to me in a way. Not the best and not the worst either kind of deal.
Then a few months ago my dad got drunk at his wife's birthday party and he told me he and Anya had dated way longer than anyone realize and that he was cheating on my mom for two years and got away with it because nobody found out.
He admitted he left mom for Anya and that he hated mom for almost finding out about Anya by planning date nights and other stuff when he just wanted to be with Anya. He even admitted they laugh behind mom's back and how proud he was in never getting caught.
I was pissed and when dad sobered up I confronted him and Anya and they told me I couldn't tell anyone and dad was freaking out because he hadn't meant to tell me. But I didn't listen and I told my mom.
Because after all those years of him talking trash about her I figured she deserved to know the truth. She was hurt and I hated doing that to her but she told me she was glad she finally knew and she would stop trying to stay civil for my sake after all that.
She said she wouldn't be outright hostile and I told her she could be as hostile as she liked. I said I hated him for what he did after all those years of talking about her like she was trash. She admitted she wished she could have gotten enough proof for a custody judge to take seriously when I was younger.
But I didn't just tell mom. I told dad's whole family about it. I figured they should know that they were supporting a cheater because they told me to stay out of what he said about mom. That he was faithful and that mattered more.
When I told them it took a while for them to believe it but then they did. And they told dad he was disgusting and immoral and how God would never forgive him. They also stopped having anything to do with him and with the kids. They no longer consider them legitimate grandkids.
That was when my dad became super pissed off at me and he said I was evil and spiteful to destroy everyone's life like that. I asked him what would he call himself after talking trash about my mom for 12 years when he was the one who did her dirty.
He said he never ruined the lives of innocent kids who were getting grown people problems taken out on them. I said he actually did when he badmouthed my mom to me and put me in a bad place with that.
Anya said that it was so small compared to what their kids would go through because it was clear I was done with all of them as family and that meant the kids would lose so much more.
I went no contact with them at that point although I can't block him until I turn 18 because it says so in the custody order. And since I block her they use dad's phone all the time to shame me for making dad face the consequences of what he did. They blame me for their kids being collateral damage in it all. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP's post:
NTA. He's the embodiment of FAFO. He's just mad because he got away with it for so long and now can't hide behind his lies any more.
Cadsonnn (OP)
Literally! He was so smug about it too. I can imagine him walking around feeling so smug all the time and not just when he was drunk that time.
NTA - but I would sow some seeds of doubt. I would suggest to Anya, that your dad is so good at cheating, he brags about getting away with it for years…..so how can she be sure, he hasn’t done the dirty on her? And then I would suggest his drunk rant wasn’t all about cheating, just on mom.
Cadsonnn (OP)
My dad's side already planted those seeds. They went at it from a bit more of a religious angle but I think it still bothered Anya.
NTA. Your dad chose to cheat, lie and trash your mom for years. He handed you the truth himself while drunk, then tried to make you carry his secret. You didn’t ruin his family, he did when he built it on an affair and constant disrespect. If there’s fallout now, that’s on him, not you.
You did nothing wrong. Very proud of you for defending/ settings things straight and staying by your mom side for all these years. They have no right to be angry and yet thay are and you should not worry about their feelings. No one spared you.
Cadsonnn (OP)
I had to. It was crazy to me that dad was admitting to lies by contradicting himself and then blasting mom for the weirdest and the meanest things. All the while he felt so smug that he got away with cheating on her for two years.
You didn’t destroy anything! He did that. Does the custody order permit you to be emotionally abused by him via text message? No? Give the phone to your mom as beautiful evidence of abuse.
Get a new number. If he’s stupid enough to take it to court that you don’t reply… your mom will have the text message records as beautiful evidence for the judge. NTA.
Cadsonnn (OP)
I already have permission to mostly live with mom now because of my age. So that's what I'm doing. Dragging it to court now would just be a waste of money. Dad would do it but so far he hasn't.
NTA. I could make a good argument that, on a subconscious level, he wanted you to know. Hence, the supposed slip.