'AITA for not caring that my dad is glad my mom's affair partner (and my bio father) died?'
"AITA for not caring that my dad is glad my mom's affair partner (and my bio father) died?"
Two and a half years ago my dad and I (19m) found out my mom had been having an affair throughout their marriage and that I wasn't his bio kid. We later confirmed it through a DNA test because we wanted it to not be true so bad, but it is.
We only learned about the affair because the guy died. My mom was devastated and couldn't hide it anymore once he was gone. The guy was married with kids as well so it was extra messed up because this guys wife found out right after he died too and so did his kids.
My dad gloated into my mom's face when I wasn't around. He celebrated the fact that the affair partner was dead and my mom was grieving. I only know about it because my mom's family were outraged and expected me to share the outrage for the situation.
But I didn't care then or now. I want nothing to do with that mess, and that includes my bio's other children who actually want to know me. There's never going to be a relationship and I have made that clear and I have shut down all ways of communication. I hardly ever talk to my mom these days either. What she did to me and to dad is worse than anything dad could've said to her.
I have tried to maintain a better relationship with cousins, aunts and uncles on my mom's side but that is getting increasingly difficult. They hate my dad for what he said and how he acted. The fact I don't hate my dad and the fact I'm fine with him being happy my bio father is dead is like some big surprise to them.
They asked me if I didn't hate that he wasn't more worried about me never knowing the guy and I said I never would have wanted to know a POS like that anyway. I told them my dad is my dad and none of this would be a thing if mom hadn't been a gross cheater who lied about my biological father my whole life.
They told me it was okay to know the bio side and my dad should have never said anything. I told them I wasn't going to cry over it and that they weren't going to get the response from me that they want.
They told me it sounded so cold when I will never get to know the man who made me and my dad celebrated that. This is really bothering them about me and it's bothering me that they won't let it go. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Your mom is such a POS. She basically lived a double life. She doesn't deserve anything. It's good that you cut her off. And the fact that they still defend her is just as bad as she is.
NTA - your feelings are your own and no one can take that from you. I also don’t understand why people should feel you should be more supportive of your mother. They’ve quickly failed to understand how she messed up both your and your dad’s life. Death doesn’t excuse what she’s done.
They’re just projecting their feelings on to you. They’d think differently if it’d happened to them. Just ignore them or start reducing contact. They feel they can tell you how they feel but not respect how you feel. You don’t need people like that right now. If you change your mind later on, well then that’s up to you and you alone.
There’s plenty of people who don’t know (either through choice or never given the choice) their bio’s and get through life just fine. Also plenty of non-bios out there who successfully raise children who aren’t their own and do a bloody good job at it. Your dad seems to have your back. Good luck.
Kaureleyneesh (OP)
They were always going to support mom. She's theirs and dad isn't. So they have the loyalty to her. But it's different for me because both are mine and dad isn't any less because he's not my bio dad. He raised me my whole life. He's the reason I had a good life clearly.
My mom's grief and hurt will never erase her actions or the hurt she caused. What she did will always be bigger than any regret or grief. They can't see that because for them it will always be about her.
When they look at her they see a sister, aunt and cousin and whatever. When I look at her I see a liar and a cheater and someone who didn't care about whether my life would explode when the truth came out.
Many guys would not be like my dad and I could have been disowned so fast my head might still be spinning. But my dad truly loves me and we have worked on not letting the DNA eat us up inside. But it doesn't mean we won't be angry about it.
Completely understand but grief doesn’t take away accountability. I’m totally on your side here. I can’t stand it when family pull together because they’re blood and completely overlook the horrible stuff that’s taken place. Your dad sounds smashing. A real good one. Naturally you’re both going to be really angry - who wouldn’t? Hope you both manage to get through this together.
EDIT: I found out after my dad passed away that I had a half brother. My family couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to get to know him (reasons too long to put here) but I still stand by it and for me, feel I made the right choice.
Kaureleyneesh (OP)
I'm glad you went with what you felt was the right decision for you. There are people who will push in situations like mine and yours but what good is a relationship that comes from force? Relationships that people have to force or bully others into are not typically all that healthy or long lasting.
NTA, your mom’s family is delusional for expecting you to defend the guy who blew up your dad's entire life and lied to you for 19 years.
NTA. Your mom’s family is gaslighting you. They’re more upset about your dad’s "mean words" than the fact that your mom blew up two families and lied for 19 years. They want you to feel bad so they don't have to face how trashy her actions were.
Your dad is the one who actually raised you and stayed. He has every right to be happy that the guy who helped ruin his life is gone. You don't owe a dead stranger any "grief" just because of biology.
The "cold" ones are the relatives trying to force you into a relationship with a bio-family you never asked for. If they can't respect your boundaries, it might be time to go low-contact with that whole side of the family.