'AITA for telling my kids why I don't buy their half-sibling anything?'
"AITA for telling my kids why I don't buy their half-sibling anything?"
The mother of my two children (10m and 9f) cheated on me during our marriage and became pregnant with another man's child. I learned this when I caught her with the man in question and after quizzing her, she admitted there was a strong chance he was the father of the baby she was pregnant with. I ended our marriage right there and took a DNA test when her youngest was born and she was not mine.
So in the divorce custody and support was only factored in for our two kids. I paid some child support because I made more than her but we had 50-50 custody time with the kids and I remained an involved dad. My ex lived with her youngest's father October of last year when he took off without a word and dipped from their lives.
She has been in pursuit of child support ever since but he cannot be found and he quit the last known job he had, so she has been unsuccessful so far. This has led to her struggling and I buy more for the kids we share so they don't suffer because of the failed relationship with the affair partner.
Last month my ex told me she was struggling to keep up with the expenses for her youngest and she asked me if I would maybe buy some stuff that included her too. I said no, that I was responsible for my kids and I would not become financially responsible in any way for the child she made while cheating on me.
She begged and told me they will have different lives if I don't help at least for now and I told her that was not my problem and maybe she'll think about that in the future before she starts an ongoing affair.
She told our kids about asking me and encouraged them to ask me for them. The kids were confused because they have always known their half sister is not my child but they started to doubt because of how their mom talked (saying good men take care of all their children and loving a child who is part of your family should never be that hard).
The kids approached me and asked me about it and told me their mom wanted them to ask me for stuff for their half sister.
So I explained to them that she is not my child or part of my family but she is still part of theirs. They asked why since my oldest has some memories of his mom and I being together while she was pregnant. I said their mom got pregnant with their half sister while we were together but DNA proved she was not mine and I did not raise her for that reason.
I told them I am still their dad and nothing has changed but I was never really their half sister's dad and don't want to buy her stuff like I do for them. They understood and when they went back to their mom's she called and cussed me out for telling the kids more details than she wanted them to know.
I said they had always been aware they had a different dad to her other child and that needed to remain clear because I was not claiming her now that her father has abandoned her. She called me a cruel d-k. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
ESH who involves children in the sordid details like this?
Alone_Sherbert_3607 OP responded:
I didn't want my kids to hate me and believe I abandoned "my child" or to see me as a deadbeat to one kid when said kid is not my own.
zombiezmaj said:
NTA. I'd be tempted to offer to take primary custody of your 2 kids to relieve her of their financial burden so she can just worry about her youngest.
MrsPomMummy said:
NTA. Your ex tried to make you out to be the bad guy and force your hand, banking on you not wanting to involve the kids. That was super wrong of her and good on you for not taking it. Stand your ground there.
That being said, when she says she can't afford stuff for the youngest kid, are we talking fun things like toys or basic necessities like diapers? Obviously you are neither responsible for the youngest kid nor are you the asshole for refusing to engage. Your ex made her mess.
But if it's the latter and you can afford it, I would consider buying her occassional basic necessities if you get the feeling that she genuinely cannot afford them (not just giving her money).
Ultimately, the kid would be the one suffering and she is innocent in all of that. I would use it to show to your kids the importance of being compassionate, even to strangers you have no responsibility towards (and stress that!!!).
author124 said:
NTA - you're not obligated to financially support your kids' half-sister, and it doesn't sound like your explanation encouraged a divide between them or similar; if your ex didn't want them to have more information about the situation at hand, she shouldn't have tried to use them to manipulate you.
Katapotomus said:
NTA your ex put you in a position to have to answer your children. You actually did a pretty good job by explaining your non-relationship to the baby while not diminishing their relationship to their sister.
Those kind of discussions are not easy. Make sure to document this situation. What your ex did with the kids is manipulative and may fall under your family courts definition of abuse. Hopefully she'll refrain from this behavior in the future but better to be prepared if not.
ESH - Look, I get it. Your ex started it by bringing the kids into this fight. But you kept it going by talking to the kids like they can understand these things.
They cant. Take the high road and don't discuss this with them at all. I know, it's not fair, but in the long run it's what is best.
I don't say this lightly. I am a parenting mediator, I have extensive training in child development and the effects of divorce/separation on children. Do not involve children in adult issues, even if the other party starts it.
At that age they want so desperately to please everyone. Both parents. When a fight like this comes up they will feel torn on the inside and it can cause significant mental health issues. What you say is "that's between me and your mother", and then talk about Minecraft or whatever.
Alone_Sherbert_3607 OP responded:
What do I do if it's something that risks turning the kids against me? Like in this situation where they could see it as their half sister is my kid too because of the way their mom confused them and then they think I'm shitty for that. It was the only reason I engaged here. I have never involved them before but I refuse to let her turn my kids against me either. But I'm open to doing it in other ways.
That's totally fair. And I fully understand the frustration. It's a hard situation you're in. First, I tell all my parents, trust your kids. If you're supportive and loving and use your time with them to be the best parent you can be - they will see that when they get older. They will understand in the end. That doesn't feel good today. I know. But trust them.
Second, there are age appropriate ways to discuss it with them if they ask. at 9 and 10 they are emotionally driven, so avoid the "logic" of it. Instead, validate their emotions and then explain that it's a complicated adult matter that you and their mom are figuring out.
The 12 to 15 age range is when you're really going to have to watch yourself. That's when they start to think of things in "good guy, bad guy" terms. But if you lay a trusting groundwork now, where they can voice their emotions, get validation, but also know boundaries - you'll be set up well for those tough pre-teen/early-teen years.
Third - ask your ex to leave the kids out of it. That's probably in your parenting plan already, so if you can highlight that part, please do. Also explain that the kids should be allowed to be kids. They aren't responsible for communication between the two of you. The research is very clear - at any age, using kids to communicate or as leverage to get things, has negative impacts on their well being.
Again, it's not fair to you. I know that. And it's hard. But stay focused on your two kids and trust them. It's nice to see they care about their sister. You've raised two kids with empathy. That's good! You're doing good.