Dad kicks 16-year-old son out after 'streak of bad behavior,' 'I can't take it anymore.' AITA?

"AITA for kicking my son out and making him live with my brother?"

My (16M) son has been having a streak of bad behavior the past 3 years that I (37M) just cannot handle anymore. For context last year he stole my credit card and spent upwards of $150 on Call of Duty without my permission.

Most recently he broke his TV in a fit of rage after being grounded and he took my car at night to hang out with his girlfriend. I can't take it anymore so I sent him to my older brother who is retired military. In hopes that he could straighten him out.

This was two months ago, he calls me sometimes and begs me to come home saying life is like hell over there. He claims my brother works him to death and he has no freedom. I told him that he has to deal with the consequences of his action and to deal with it.

Most recently he called my oldest son (18M) and begged him to come home. He asked me about it the other night and I told him not to or he'd be in big trouble. I came home from work a couple days ago and found both my sons in the living room.

I was angry at my oldest and scolded him kicking both of them out and sending them to live with my brother. I got a call today from my oldest begging for forgiveness telling me the same thing his brother's been telling me for the past two months.

I'm starting to feel bad because I don't want them living in total misery and that's what they make it sound like. I don't know exactly what he's doing to them and it's starting to concern me but I still don't want to let them back in and think they got off scot-free. Am I being TA here?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Slayerofdrums said:

YTA. Did you even have a conversation with your brother about what life will be like for your kids in his house? How can it be that you have no idea what's happening over there? Sounds like you just couldn't be bothered to deal with your kids yourself and just shipped them off so they would no longer be your problem.

Apart-Ad-6518 said:

YTA. "He claims my brother works him to death and he has no freedom. I told him that he has to deal with the consequences." How do you know it's just a claim? I don't know exactly what he's doing to them and it's starting to concern me but I still don't want to let them back in and think they got off scot-free.

"Starting" to concern you?? You're farming out your duty as a parent to the point where you don't even know what's going on. You also don't seem to have made any effort to find out why your kid's acting out.

thederriere said:

OP, you are NTA. Absolutely not. You entrusted their care to your brother who put them through bootcamp to teach them what a disciplined life is because they (especially the youngest) clearly have no concept of it.

Breaking rules to the point of stealing your car is wreckless, dangerous, and criminal. Following that up with showing your kids what life could be like with someone who isn't so forgiving is a great life lesson.

memythememo said:

NTA sh$tty little kids need to actually fave consequences, so good on you for that. Learn from your brother about what’s going on. If you think he’s suffered enough bring him back with conditions. Like no games after whatever time, next time he breaks something he pays for it. Good grades, etc etc.

Sweet_Mango- said:

I'm gonna say NTA. But you should bring them back with the condition any bad behavior, you bring them to their uncle, no technology/games, get therapy,etc. Sometimes people need that thing to realize their bad behavior.

People can pay good money for therapy, punishment for bad behavior,etc and still behave badly. Sometimes no matter how good they have it they can turn bad on their own.

decodeimu said:

NTA! You’re doing the best you can and sometimes a bit of order and structure is what’s needed to snap kiddos back to reality before the dastardly path turns into a slip n slide. A little bit of tough life ve goes a long way.

Definitely have weekly check ins with each other and father-son hangouts. Kudos to you for realizing you needed some help and not being in denial. Also consider doing individual and family therapy sessions again. Good luck!

UPDATE:

Update: In light of all the comments I have decided to go get them from my brother's house and bring them back home and figure out what is going on over there.

Update 2: So I have the boys. At my brother’s house we had a talk. I found out some interesting stuff. They first apologized for misbehaving. We spoke for a minute and then they got in the car. I asked my brother to tell me explicitly what happened. He told me light workouts and and cleaning.

When I got in the car and asked the boys. They told me it really wasn’t that bad but they wouldn’t want to go back for extended periods of time. They told me it was bad at first but all in all working out wasn’t so bad once they started. They told me it wasn’t really “hell” just more than what they were used to.

On the way back we had a talk about new rules and all seems to be well. I think we might at least be headed in the right direction for now.