'AITA for not accepting my dad lashing out at me because I didn't honor his late wife when I graduated?'
"AITA for not accepting my dad lashing out at me because I didn't honor his late wife when I graduated?"
My dad's been a widower twice now. My mom died when I (18M) was 7 years old and it was hell for me. Mom had cancer and the last two years she was alive she was so sick and wasted away to nothing. I remember being so afraid of her at the very end and then feeling so guilty about it. Her death wrecked me.
My dad remarried when I was 10 and his wife was diagnosed with ALS three years ago. She died in January. Her death really devastated dad even more than my mom's did.
My half siblings were just turned 4 and almost 6 when she died and they were really broken too. But I wasn't close to her and didn't have my own grief when she died. My dad struggled for months.
Around May he started to talk about my graduation and it seemed like motivation for him to keep moving. But right after my graduation he declined again and he became very distant from me. I tried talking to him about it but he shut me down and he shut his siblings (my aunts and uncles) down.
They got him to agree to spend Thanksgiving as a family. He showed up and he was more on edge and avoided me for 80% of the day. A couple of family members brought it up and he'd deny it but then he moved away when I approached. I didn't want to have any kind of fight in front of everyone else so I didn't push it.
But then he lost it and started lashing out at me. He brought up the way I was so okay with his wife's death and how it didn't take anything out of me. Then he told me I disrespected him, my half siblings and her by not honoring his late wife at my graduation.
He said I found time to mention mom but not the woman who was in my life for 8 whole years and took on the mom role when I didn't have another around to do it. He told me he hated me and it was disgusting behavior and he had wanted to punish me for my disrespect.
Two of my uncles tried to calm him down but he kept making threats and implying I was some kind of disrespectful brat or monster or demon (he called me that three??? times).
I told my dad he had NO right to decide who I would and wouldn't honor at my graduation and I said I wasn't going to take him lashing out at me when he knew I wasn't close to his wife when she was alive.
He yelled over me that I was supposed to realize how important she was to me after she died. I was supposed to act like her death was a huge thing because she was there and she loved me and she loved them and we were a family.
He told me if I had to honor mom, I needed to honor both moms or I should be honoring the most recent loss. He said I didn't even cry when she died and yet when mom died he thought I'd never stop. I said because mom was my mom and I loved her and it killed me to lose her. I told him I was done and he could yell at a wall.
I left. Aunts and uncles told me they were sorry dad was being like that and they would try to talk to him. He started texting me for the first time in months giving me lip for walking away and not being more understanding of his grieving process when he let me cry it out after mom died. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Your dad needs grief therapy for sure. You did nothing wrong.
you can’t force someone to mourn the way you want them to.
NTA. I will advice you to keep very low contact with your dad until he gets his act together. Grief is no excuse for what he said and how he behaved. I will also suggest you also get therapy to help you navigate this turmoil in your life.
Jonhassklikiins (OP)
That was what I was thinking. It's not like my dad wants me around now anyway but if his anger flares again I don't want to be on the receiving end of him lashing out again.
NTA. He is an adult and you were a child and you’re still HIS child and he is the parent. Him starting to text you and complaining you weren’t as nice to him - a grown man- as he was to an 8 year old who’d lost their mother is … wild.
NTA. He’ll grieve how he needs to, and shouldn’t force that on you. This is also pretty terrible behavior on his part. It sounds like he could benefit from therapy, that’s a lot to go through.
Jonhassklikiins (OP)
He would benefit from it. His siblings have suggested it to him multiple times. But we all agree that my saying it would just make him dig his heels in harder. Right now he's so angry he hates me and wants nothing to do with me if I can't act the way he wants.
NTA. I'd say NAH but the way he lashed out at you is hard to forgive. He's acting like he did you a favor by letting you grieve your own mother. He's acting like since he did that you should respect his grief no matter how much it hurts you. What a selfish person, I'm sorry you have to deal with him.
NTA. You honored your mom, not someone you weren’t close to. Your dad is projecting his grief onto you, and walking away was mature. His feelings don’t give him the right to yell, threaten, or abuse you. Set boundaries and protect yourself—his grief isn’t your responsibility.