'AITA for telling my dad that his new GF will never be welcome in my home?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my father that I don't care how nice his new girlfriend is, she'll never be welcome in my home?"

My (33F) father (60s) can't keep a girlfriend for long. My mom divorced him when I was a child, and since then, he's had no interest in remarrying and settling down. Today, his relationships don't tend to last much longer than a year.

I'm married with two kids (8M and 4F). Because I don't want them to get attached to a new "step-grandma" every few months, I laid some ground rules when my son was born: my father wasn't allowed to introduce any new girlfriends to them until 6 months into the relationship.

For most of my kids' lives, we had no problems with that. Then came my father's girlfriend from 2022, who was an absolute nightmare of a person. My kids only met her once, but it was enough for me to consider her unsafe to be around my family. Though they later broke up, my father initially tried to justify her behavior.

Because of that whole affair, I changed the rule: he'd have to wait a year instead of 6 months before introducing new girlfriends. If he tried to do so before that, she'd never be allowed to come to my place. He protested at first, because most of his relationships don't last that long, but I held my ground and he eventually agreed. He was with another woman for 9 months last year, and my children never met her.

My father has been with his newest girlfriend for 6 months. I've never really met her, because she lives an hour away. She is, apparently, "kid-obsessed", and has been asking him to meet his grandkids for a while. He's tried to convince me to make an exception for her for a few months, but I always say no and remind him of my rules.

My daughter is turning 4 this week, and we threw her a birthday party yesterday. It took place at an event space our building has. My father showed up an hour late, with his new girlfriend.

I approached them to ask what he was doing. He said that his girlfriend was excited to meet my kids, and he thought the birthday party would be a good place to introduce them. Because they'd been together for half a year, he didn't think it would be such a big deal.

I told them the girlfriend had to leave before my kids saw her. My dad tried to give other excuses, such as the fact that my stepdad (who's been with my mom for more than 20 years) was there, and said that if she left, so would he. I told him to be my guest, and they both left.

Earlier today, my father called me. He told me off for kicking them out of the party. He said my rules were "too restrictive", and his girlfriend was a lovely person who deserved to meet my kids. I told him that not only do I not care how nice she is, but I'll also never welcome her at my home after the stunt he pulled.

She can meet my kids after the 12 month mark, but not at my place. We fought for a while before he hung up on me. My husband and my sister, who's staying with us for a few days, witnessed most of the fight. My husband is on my side, but my sister thinks I'm being "needlessly cruel" to a woman I've never met. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

kodak723 said:

Your kids, your call. NTA. I’m curious though - did GF know your rule or did your dad put her into that situation unaware?

OP responded:

I think she knew. My father started asking me to let him introduce her to them 4 months into the relationship. Either he told her or he came up with excuses for two months.

Slayerofdrums said:

NTA...because your house, your rules. And I think you were perfectly right to call him out when he tried to get his way at the bday party...that's just disrespectful. But is there another way to look at this? Can your dad just bring a 'friend', that doesn't need to be introduced as a new grandmother right away?

OP responded:

I tried that a while ago (I think my son was 4 at the time, and I was pregnant). That particular girl kinda ruined it by kissing my father in front of my son.

faeriekitteh said:

NTA. Kids are going through a lot in life, still processing the world. You're doing your best to protect them from a never-ending revolving door of grandfather's girlfriends. Stick to your boundaries.

OP responded:

That's always my greatest concern. I grew up with that revolving door, and it's always been clear how much it affected me and my sister. I don't want my kids to know what that lack of consistency is like. They may have married parents, but they also have a step-grandpa, a grandfather who passed away before they were even projects (my FIL) and a grandmother who lives in a different state (my MIL).

And Initial728 said:

NTA. This is NOT cruel, it's protecting your kids. They completely overstepped the boundaries that they knew were in place, probably expecting that since there would be more people around that you'd cave in. There is a reason for your rule and good on you for enforcing it. If she's around in a year, that's a different story.

Update, posted a week after the original post:

Hey, everyone. I posted on AITA about a week ago. I've mostly solved the situation since then. There are some things I think I should clarify about my relationship with my father first, so this might get long. I can't be the first to say this, but this is by no means a place to accurately describe any type of relationship in full detail, specially a familial one.

So those who said I don't like my father or don't approve of his lifestyle are jumping to conclusions. I love my father very much, and I'm grateful for everything he's done for me. But yeah, he's an @$$hole. We've had a rough relationship since I was a kid. It got much better after I moved out, mostly because we both realized we wouldn't have any relationship whatsoever if we didn't make efforts to change.

As much as my father has become a better person, he still has some extremely narcissistic tendencies that make themselves obvious every now and then. The one that's the most relevant in this situation is the fact that he is terrible with boundaries. I came up with a metaphor in the comments on my previous post that I think illustrates this:

He wants a door. I give him a window instead. He says he's fine with the window. Next thing I know, he's throwing rocks at the window until it's big enough to be a door. Not the best metaphor I've ever written, but I think it applies. And I want to add that one of the main reasons our relationship was so rocky when I was younger was because I had no means of restoring the window.

Now that we don't live together and I pay my own bills, it's gotten easier to either stop him from throwing the rocks or not give him windows in the first place. On that note, my father is a pretty hands-on grandfather. We only see him once a month, but he FaceTimes me frequently and the kids love him.

So introducing new girlfriends as "grandpa's friends", as many suggested, wouldn't work. We tried it once, and they blew their cover in less than an hour. Also, it's not that I don't "approve" of my father's lifestyle, I simply don't care. I'm 33 years old. I have a job, a husband and two children. My father's dating habits are neither my business nor my concern.

He can date anyone he wants, for as long as he wants, as long as everyone is over 18 and not a complete monster. What I do care about is how this affects my children. I've been dealing with my father's revolving door since I was 10. Back then, his relationships tended to last at least two years, but it still took a toll on both me and my younger sister.

The first woman my father dated after the divorce was insane and ruined my childhood. The next one was amazing, but didn't stick around for long. The following one was unpleasant. The list goes on. I don't want my children to go through this lack of stability. I'm carrying that baggage, they don't need to know how heavy it is.

The last thing I want to add here is that my father has another major problem: he is obsessed with both pleasing everyone and the idea that I have to please everyone. That almost ruined our relationship completely when I was younger.

And sadly, he hasn't really let go of that yet. The former is why he defended his 2022 girlfriend (I explained what happened on the repost I made), and the latter is the reason he was so pissed at me for banning his new girlfriend after the party fiasco.

Okay, onto the actual update: My father and I had a minor fight over the phone about what happened at the party on Monday. Two days later, his new girlfriend called me. She asked me why I'd banned her from my home before even meeting her or introducing my children (I told them to leave before the kids saw them). I asked her if she knew about my 12-month rule.

Not only did she know, but she also insisted that my father break the rule anyway. She said she was "great with kids" and knew my children would love her, so she thought it wouldn't be a big deal for me to make an exception for her.

I came very close to hanging up on her when she said that. The whole reason I even came here was because I thought I was being unfair to her, but this made it clear to me that she was also in the wrong. Instead, I decided to explain the 2022 incident. She didn't know about it. When I was done, she said she understood why the rule was created and apologized for trying to break it.

I called my father the next day. I told him about the chat I'd had with his girlfriend, and he confirmed everything. He took her to the party because she wanted go and he wanted to make her happy. We had a very long discussion that almost escalated into a fight. I reminded him of the reasons my rule existed. The only one he truly deemed "valid" was the 2022 incident, which he's still ashamed of.

The discussion touched many other topics, but the main one was that my children are the priority. I told my father that my main concern is protecting them, and I won't hesitate to cut anyone off, including family, if it means doing so. In the end, he agreed to deal with the consequences. His new girlfriend will be allowed to meet my kids at the 12-month mark, but she won't be welcome at my place.

But if he tries to pull this stunt again, they'll both be cut off. We ended the call on a cold note, but he called me again on Friday. He apologized for everything, and said I was a great mother.

I can tell when he's being sincere at this point, so I accepted the apology. Knowing my family, I don't think there will be any problems with this for a while. And if there are, I've got it covered. I think this will be my last post.

Thank you all for the support and encouragement you've given me.