Dad refuses to let trans son alter his late mother's wedding dress, 'It meant a lot to her.' AITA?
"AITA for not giving my son his mother's wedding dress?"
I (52M) have 2 kids Jay (26M) and Katie (17F). to make the post easier to understand I'll give some info upfront, my wife passed a way 9 years ago. My son is FTM trans and had not yet transitioned at the time.
Growing up my son always had a fascination with his mother's wedding dress and she always told him he could wear it to his wedding. The dress was never willed to him or anything of the sort, it has remained in my care since my wife passed.
My son and I have never discussed his mother's wedding dress at all. My daughter frequently says she wants to wear it to her wedding some day. Well my son recently proposed to his long term girlfriend Valorie (26F) we've all been very excited for them. They're currently in the early stages of wedding planning and my son came to my house recently asking for "his dress."
I was a bit confused and asked what he meant. He said he wanted his mother's wedding dress to repurpose so he could wear it at his wedding. He did specify that he wanted to do this to feel like he has a piece of his mother at his wedding. I asked if it would be possible to make the alterations reversable as his sister also wants to wear the dress.
He looked at me like I had two heads and told me the wedding dress would most likely be torn apart and the fabric sewn into different pieces of clothing, but that would be for him and Valorie to decide. I told him I couldn't give him the dress if he was gonna alter it in a way that would make it unusable for his sister.
He started to get pissed and said he can do anything he wants with it as it's his. I told him his mother intended for him to wear it as a dress, not destroy it. (I know she would never allow that, she loved her wedding dress, and it meant a lot to her as it was a gift from her grandmother who unfortunately passed away about 8 months after the wedding).
My son turned this into a huge argument and accused me of being a bigot. He claims that if he was a girl, I would have no problem with him taking the dress. I told him I would have the same stipulations as I personally view it as unfair that one child gets to use it and the other doesn't.
My son escalated things and has gotten other relatives involved. My sister thinks I'm being a massive ahole and that my wife never said Katie could have the dress so it shouldn't go to her in the first place. While my wife's parents are saying I'm in the right.
(I'm no contact with my parents and most of my extended family due to how they responded to Jay transitioning so these are the most important people in my life.) Katie has told me she does still want to wear the dress, but she'll let Jay have it if it's gonna break apart the family. I'm still conflicted about the whole thing, but am putting my foot down for now. So AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Helpful-Science-3937 said:
Wearing it and deconstructing it are 2 totally different things. NTA - if he was going to use it for the purpose it was intended; a dress that is one thing destroying is another.
Fancy_Bass_1920 said:
NTA. This has nothing to do with your child being trans. He wants to destroy a beautiful wedding dress. No way in hell is that reasonable. It’s a wonderful memory of you and your wife. When I first started reading I figured your son was going to ask for the dress for his soon to be wife to wear. Just nope.
Usual-Fudge-3850 said:
NTA, you wouldn’t let Katie rip up the dress either.
JuliaX1984 said:
NTA Nobody promises a sentimental family heirloom that holds much meaning for the giver with the knowledge it will be destroyed! No, the problem is the destruction -- nothing justifies that.
I don't care if your youngest says she'll never wear the dress just to "keep the peace" -- that's your wife's wedding dress! Do not let someone destroy it! You also can't let him have it even if he insists he changed his mind and won't destroy it because you can't trust that would be true.
missestill said:
NTA. I wouldn't allow the dress to be torn apart either. Your son doesn’t seem to understand that the dress is important to everyone else as well.
sanguinepsychologist said:
NTA. You have two children, both of whom have valid reasons to want their mom’s dress for their wedding. It would only be fair to offer the dress to wear, not dismantle, to the first one so that the second one can still use it in its original form.