Dad refuses to take DNA test, 'the database shows no connection between myself and our grandfather.' AITA?
"AITA for being upset with my dad for not taking a paternity test?"
My brother (34M) and I (37F) both recently took ancestry DNA tests as an innocent way to find out more about our heritage. The test results came back and connected us as half-siblings, which was very surprising to us.
As it turns out, our grandfather (our dad’s dad) actually took one of these tests a while back too. Our grandfather connected with my brother in the database - however the database shows no DNA connection between myself and our grandfather. This implies that my dad is not actually my biological father.
Fast forward a couple weeks…my brother and I sat our parents down to share the results and asked them if they could help us interpret the results. They both acted shocked and got very defensive. My mom claims to have no idea how this could be true. We explained how my brother is connected to our grandfather but I am not.
My mom actually didn’t say much or ask a ton of questions but did ask who in the database I was connected with (to which I replied a bunch of 2nd and 3rd cousins I’ve never met or heard of).
My dad told me that if I didn’t leave this alone, then I have no value for family. He also was adamant that because Ancestry claims their DNA tests are 99% accurate, the 1% errors are still 10s of thousands of tests they get wrong.
My brother asked my dad why he wouldn’t just take a DNA test to prove it and he said he never wants talk about DNA again. He also said if he ever found this out about his dad, he would never have brought it up to him.
I don’t know if my parents are hiding something or if my dad just doesn’t believe in these tests, or what… but I feel abandoned that neither of them are willing to help me AND making me feel like the a-hole for even asking them about it.
A couple months have passed since we sat my parents down and we still haven’t spoken since.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
CarpeCyprinidae said:
NTA but consider, your mother could have been the victim of something, and your dad might have known it all along and might be protecting you both from knowledge that only harms. There are lots of ways of being a good parent and a good person that don't require DNA connection.
JustNoHG said:
Basically, you’re going to have to figure out who your sperm donor is on your own. And I think that’s fine. Life is weird for a lot of people. You sound decent and level headed. Once you figure that part out, you can understand more your parents perspectives. I don’t think they want you to be hurt, and I don’t think they want to hurt.
Sometimes the past is meant to stay there. Maybe your brother knows something. Regardless, leave them be until you figure out a game plan that doesn’t upset anyone. You’re an adult. It will be fine. And, you’ve got timex.
Away-Bass-4736 said:
NTA but be prepared for various possibilities - it may not be cheating, especially if your dad is so insistent that he doesn't want the test and he didn't seem surprised. That seems like an abnormal reaction on his part.
pineboxwaiting said:
NTA You’re allowed to ask about your bio-dad. You should talk to your mom one-on-one about this. Chances are that you can come close to figuring out who your dad is through your ancestry connections.
sephra_rae said:
NTA I’m sorry this happened you’re definitely not an ahole for wanting to know more about your family. That being said I know for sure that your mom is probably hiding something along with your dad. Maybe he thinks he’s protecting her and you but I personally feel that it’s your right.
frog_ladee said:
You’re NTA for being upset that your dad refuses to take a DNA test. Everyone should have the right to know their origins, if they want to. However, your dad clearly doesn’t want any more evidence of him not being your bio father. Imho, if he really believed that he was your bio father, he would gladly take the test to try to prove it.