Dad shares saga of his son's funeral; 'I'm scared his friends' eulogies will reveal his true personality.' UPDATED 4X

When this father loses his son suddenly, he shares with the internet:

"I [59 M] recently lost my son [26] and don't know how to deal with potential speakers at the funeral."

I recently lost my son in an accident. my entire family and I are upset beyond belief and miss him dearly. We will of course hold a proper funeral service for him and I'm sure that more than a few tears will be shed.

With regards to speakers, I have found myself in a strange dilemma. He moved away in his early twenties to another city. Before he left, he was always something of a loner, with no real friends. Now, after his passing, I'm hearing from many friends of his in the city he moved to.

They all describe hm as being an incredibly open, outgoing, and incredibly sociable person. This is just not how anyone in the family has ever known him. He was a;ways incredibly quiet and meek among other people for as long as we've known him.

A coupe people have asked if they may say a few words during his funeral, and one person was so kind as to give a rough outline of the eulogy he intended to give. It was beautifully written, but in some ways, I can't help but feel that it's about a person I've never met.

I don't want to disrespect the friends my son has immediately before his death, but I'm also having trouble identifying speakers for his funeral, because on top of his death, i'm only suddenly finding out about another side to his personality.

I should mention, it's not possible that this is mistaken identity. Many of his friends have shared photos of him with me.

Now he funeral is approaching, and I don't know ow to handle the speakers. I love my son, and the people who have offered their condolences are wonderful, but finding out about a social life I ever knew about just breaks my heart. In a way, I don't think I can handle hearing about it right now.

tl;dr: My son had a much ore active social life just before he died than he did when he lived at home. Some of his friends have asked to deliver eulogies. I'm having trouble dealing with this second side of my son that I never knew about, and am worried tat the eulogies might hurt me more than I already do.

EDIT The reason I'm asking for help is that I fell a sort of double grief, for the quiet son I knew and the outgoing son I never knew. I want his friends to have a chance to speak. After what they've said, and as kind as they have been, I can't imagine leaving them out of the funeral.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

freedvine8

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like these friends had a chance to get to know a new side of your son that may only have blossomed once he moved and didn't have close family to rely on.

In my honest opinion, if I were in your shoes, I'd let them give their speeches. I'd want to hear of the great stories he's made with new friends.

To be given an opportunity to learn about his adventures and experiences, even in the eyes of new acquaintances would make me so happy. You could find out exciting hobbies he took up, what he enjoyed most in his new city, and his overall well being.

In the end, I think you might regret the opportunity of not allowing his friends (regardless if new) to talk about the man your son turned into.

Update 1:

OP: Thank you for your sympathy. Please don't get me wrong, and I found the intial post hard to write as it happened yesterday and I'm still beyond grief. I don't wan to prevent them from speaking.

Theyve shared wonderful stories that I would be touched to hear people tell to the rest of the family. My trouble is honestly my grief. in a weird way, I sort of feel like I'm grieving 2 people now, instead of just one.

I'm incredibly proud of my son for coming out his shell, as you said. and the people he made friend with have been nothing but wonderful. I think I didn't explain myself in the original post properly. The issue is that I fell a sort of double grief, and that's what the problem for me is. I want his friends to have a chance to speak.

Update 2:

Update I'd like to thank everyone for all of the kind words and incredible advice that they have sent through both threads. I have not been able to respond to everyone, but please be assured that I have read every one of your comments, and I appreciate them all.

Everyone is doing well on our end, and while the pain is still immense, sharing memories ad photos with his friends has helped a lot. I'm so proud of him and everything he did in his short time with us.

Update 3:

I'd like to thank everyone who responded to my first thread. Your words were so kind and helped me out with a difficult situation. I'd also like to offer an apology, as I feel I misstated some things in my original post.

My difficulty was not from finding out what kind of person my son was just before his death. Additionally, I got lots of posts giving advice to the likes of "I would let them speak," which baffled me slightly, as I hadn't thought that that's what I was asking.

I had never considered keeping them out of the funeral and letting them speak their words, however when I re-read my original post, I can see how I didn't make it clear that I was already working with them on delivering their speeches. For this lack of clarity, I sincerely apologize. However, I read all of the comments in full, and I greatly appreciate everyone's input.

To update, the funeral took place yesterday was was, perhaps fittingly, a weirdly wonderful affair. My wife his, younger sister and I spoke, as did 4 of his friends. We decided to hold the funeral in his adopted city rather than here for 2 reasons: First was because we all know he loved that city so much, and Second was to make it easier for his friends to attend.

(I should state, pretty much everyone in our hometown was in a position to travel, but his friends aren't, as they are students and it's midterm season for them.) Although people had reached out to me, I was stunned by turnout. I didn't get a proper headcount, but the room that I though was relatively large was down to standing room only.

The family's speeches and 3 of his friends were relatively normal for a funeral, and recounted fond memories of his life and personality. The 4th friend to speak was not.

Quite simply, he wanted to roast my son, namely in the style of a comedy central roast. When he pitched the idea to me, I was a little hesitant, but I decided to give him his moment.

Part of it was one of the few aspects of my son that remained constant throughout his life: he hated tradition for tradition's sake. He was always someone who would question (sometimes at unfortunately inappropriate times) why everything is the way it is.

Think along the lines of "Why is the bride supposed to wear white?" while acutaly at a wedding. A second part of my decision to allow it was because a common theme I found out through his friends was that he was quite a joker himself towards the end, and would do anything for a laugh, going as far as making himself the butt of the joke just to get a positive reaction from them.

Finally, I agreed because he was completely upfront with me about what he wanted to say (he handed me his script) and said that if I was uncomfortable with it or the idea, that he would still be honoured if he could give a more traditional speech.

This led me to the one difficult in the funeral, namely, where do I put this joker? Do I do it at the beginning to set a tone, or at the end to leave on a high?

I discussed with my wife and his friend, and we agreed on a compromise, where he would give a short talk at the beginning to set the mood that wouldn't be all sad, and then he delivered his main set at the end, so we could all leave without tears in our eyes.

So, as weird as it might sound, I think we all had fun at the funeral, and I was incredibly touched to have met so many of his friends. While I still sort of feel that I' mourning 2 people, I was so proud that my son broke out of his shell when he left. I know his friends are wonderful people, and I can only imagine how happy my son was up to the end.

tl;dr: The funeral went well, and I was touched by the support his friends showed.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SimAlienAntFarm

One great sign of a wonderful person is how many people are smiling while talking at the funeral and calling hours. My grandpa died when I was five and my memory of it is laughing while someone I don't think I ever saw again bounced me on their leg.

It's awful that you have lost your son so early but he sounds like he made a lot of people smile during his short life. In your original post you sounded out of sorts about not knowing the man he grew into.

This is a pretty common part of growing up and it sounds like he was in the weird transition stage between 'college kid' and 'grown man'. It's not out of the ordinary for you to lose touch in that period while he finds himself.

I know I act very different with people I made friends with as adults versus the people I knew while I was young and awkward. It doesn't mean that he didn't feel comfortable being his 'new self' around you, it just means you were robbed of the opportunity to get to know each other on even footing as independent adults.

I am so sorry that you didn't get to know him as the people his friends knew- I hope they shared as much as they could with you about the man they loved.

It was incredibly generous of you to hold a service in the city for their benefit. I hope you got some great stories out of it.

Update 4:

OOP

Thank you.

I had considered that he wasn't deliberately keeping me out, and I am certainly not upset with him, but that didn't reduce the pain. It left me wishing that I could have met him as his friends knew him.

With regards to his friends, they have been nothing but wonderful. While their stories sort of lead me to the idea of dealing with a "double grief," as I but it in my first thread, they also leave me feeling very comfortable and happy, knowing that he found the life he wanted before he passed.