Dad claims late wife haunts him after daughter rejects birth mom in favor of stepmother. AITA?
"AITA dad told me he feels haunted by my mom and in response I told him he deserved it for letting his wife replace her for him and my sister?"
My mom got really sick after she had my sister (12). She really struggled and had no energy, got headaches, complained about aches and stuff. Turns out she had a blood clot and it killed her before they found out what was going on. I (22) was 10 at the time and it wasn't easy to lose her like that.
Two and a half years later my dad met Bree and they got married when my sister was 4 and once they were married Bree adopted my sister. Before Bree moved in we had photos of mom at home and dad would talk about her to my sister and to me and he made it a priority for us to spend time with mom's side of the family.
Once Bree moved in that stopped. I still saw the maternal side of our family and I hoarded photos of mom in my room. But it was like Bree moving in suddenly meant mom was an out of bounds topic and I got shut down any time I tried to mention her.
Bree would get pissed at me while dad would pull me aside and suggest I should be more sensitive to Bree's feelings. He told me she didn't deserve to compete with mom.
When Bree adopted my sister I felt a lot of ways about it. None of them positive. I said nothing because it wasn't up to me and at least she didn't try and adopt me. My dad noticed and kept trying to pull me into the family but I kept my distance.
I tried to stay close to my sister but she'd get upset that I clearly disliked Bree and would get confused about us being siblings but I didn't call Bree mom like she did and when I tried to explain it Bree yelled at me and took my sister away.
Dad would always let her. He told me not to shatter my sister's chance at having a normal family. He told me she deserved a mom and not just other people's memories of one.
I moved out when I was 17 because I graduated early and I went to stay with some family members for a while. I kept in touch with my sister where I could but I was completely NC with Bree and very LC with my dad.
Right now I'm spending the summer with my grandparents. Dad wanted to know if he could bring my sister over to see us since she hasn't been around our grandparents in almost 7 years and she hasn't seen me in years either.
They asked me and I was good with that. I wanted to see my sister and could tolerate dad as a result. When they came over he asked if we could talk and he confided in me that he feels like mom's haunting him because he has all these nightmares of her and how upset she is with him.
It started when my sister referred to our maternal grandparents as my grandparents and she said her grandparents were Bree's parents (both died before Bree and my dad even met). Then he mentioned mom to my sister and she told him Bree's her only mom and that my mom is different.
He told me he never realized she had no concept of the fact she had a birth mom and a mom. I gave dad a hard time for calling mom a birth mom, and minimizing her like that as if she gave my sister up for adoption instead of dying.
Dad was like you know what I mean and he'd never minimize mom like that and he loves her. I told him he had a funny way of showing that in the aftermath of her death and then when he mentioned her haunting him again I told him he deserved it for letting Bree replace mom.
I said he made sure to move fast with Bree so my sister would call her mom, love her like a mom and so our mom would be a non-concept to her. He told me he still believed she deserved the chance to have a mom.
I said he basically erased and replaced mom so he shouldn't cry to me about it. I left our talk to spend time with my sister and it was uncomfortable because she didn't want to be around strangers even if they were my grandparents.
She said they weren't hers and I don't like her mom so she doesn't want to spend time with me. My grandparents told dad it might be better they go home since he wasn't helping her to understand and we couldn't get through to her.
Then I got a long text from dad about the things I said being insensitive and even if he's made a lot of mistakes I'm an ass for wanting to deny him another wife and my sister the chance to have a mom in her life. I didn't reply. Still haven't read the whole thing either. But I'm wanting to ask AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA... Not even one bit! It sounds like your dad is experiencing the natural consequences of choices he made after your mom passed, whether he fully realised those choices at the time or not.
Your dad may be dreaming about your mom because his subconscious is trying to reconcile guilt or unresolved emotions, not because you’ve said anything wrong AND definitely not because your mom is haunting him!
The pain and confusion your sister is experiencing now, and your own grief, are both rooted in how your mom’s memory was handled in your family. You’ve carried a lot and simply spoke your truth.
That’s not being cruel, it’s being honest. You’re not responsible for his choices or how he’s feeling now. It’s okay to set boundaries and protect your mom’s memory. Stay strong OP, I'm sure your mom is proud of you! Hugs.
RoughRadio8652 (OP)
Thank you for saying that! There's almost nothing I love to hear more than mom would be proud of me. My dad was really a huge fool to think never talking about mom, removing all her photos, the adoption and everything else wouldn't convince my sister Bree was her only mom.
NTA. He should have stopped his new wife from interfering and he should have kept talking about your real mother to both of you. He is TAH not you. Are you a boy? I only ask because I wonder why she only adopted your sister and not both of you.
RoughRadio8652 (OP)
Yeah, I'm a guy. Bree only adopted my sister because she was young enough to be hers. Plus she knew I already didn't like her. And we had a lot of negative energy whenever we were in the same room.
I think she knew even offering would be met with a hell no and some rage unleashed for thinking I'd ever agree to replace my mom. She knew I hoarded the photos of mom and she hated it. She could never find them though and I know she looked at least three times.
NTA. He wasn't the AH for marrying Bree. He wasn't even the AH for letting her adopt your sister. He was the AH for erasing your mom to make Bree feel more comfortable.
I'm sorry your sister will never know her mom. I'm sorry they tried to take your mom from you. I'm not sorry he's being haunted. Go LC or NC and have a happy life. Your dad let you down.