'AITA for walking out on my dad when he told me he finds it hard to love me because he knows I don't love his wife?'
"AITA for walking out on my dad when he told me he finds it hard to love me because he knows I don't love his wife?"
I (19M) was supposed to be spending the day with my dad a few weeks ago only for him to turn around and tell me he wasn't sure he wanted to. That he finds it hard to love me because he holds the knowledge that I don't love his wife and by not loving his wife I don't love the family they have created the way he wants me to.
He said this makes it very hard to keep our connection alive. This was totally out of nowhere. We'd had the plans for over two weeks and I drove three hours just to be told that. I didn't really have anything to say to any of that so I walked out and went back home.
He has texted me a few times since then asking why I left, saying he wants to talk. His wife and I texted a bit and she told me she didn't understand what happened. I told her she might want to talk to him and I filled her in on what happened.
That took her by surprise and she said she'd talk to him and get his head on straight. She later texted and apologized that he did it supposedly on her behalf and she wanted me to know there are no hard feelings.
Dad has told me he wants to talk it out and he wants me to understand that walking out like I did wasn't the right way to handle it either. But that we can't leave it like that. I asked him what the point of talking is when he doesn't know if he wants to spend time with me and finds it so hard to keep the connection going.
For some background, my dad married Lil when I was 10. I didn't want her around at the start and got really upset that dad was married 2 years after my mom died. Lil told me she understood me not wanting a new mom or stepmom and that we could be friends if I'd prefer that.
For a while I didn't but then I came around a bit. We developed a not super close friendship but it's there. We're not the most natural fit around each other but we're both pretty open and honest which meant we didn't hurt each other's feelings or anything and we like each other.
My dad never got involved really. The only time he said anything was when Lil was pregnant with their first and I was about to have a half sibling. Dad said he noticed I wasn't very excited and I was like yeah I'm not really.
He told me he wanted it to be an exciting time for me as well and I told him it just wasn't. But I did later get involved a bit to make him happy and that was basically it. They celebrated both pregnancies and kids, I was never excited but developed a fondness for my half siblings and everything was good. My relationship with dad was super close (or so I thought) until this.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA your dad sounds like a jerk. avoid him for a while and go enjoy your freedom. got your whole life ahead of you, kid.
I would have walked out too, NTA.
NTA His love for his own son is contingent on how much his son loves his stepmom? That is WILDLY crazy.
NTA your dad is very blatantly picking his wife over you. He’s also being a manipulative about it. I’d of walked away too. Honestly cut him off. He clearly stated he didn’t want to spend time with his SON so what’s the point.
I would have walked out too. WTF did he expect? For you to beg to be part of his do over family?! I’m sorry for your loss. My dad was remarried about two years after my mom died too. It just sucked.
Everyone just expected me to be happy there was a stranger around in my mom’s place while I was still grieving like crazy. Adults are selfish. I think you might need to take a break from him for a while your your own mental health.
NTA. Keep on walking. He started it by wanting you to love HIS babies more. They are his babies not yours. I would seriously consider going nc. You don't live close to him and what is he really contributing to this relationship?
Good luck. You sound like a super kid. Telling you he doesn't love you because you don't love his wife makes him an ah. I tend to believe he did this purposely because he wants to wash his hands of you.
Kushluennan (OP)
I don't have a wedding coming up. About what he's contributing to the relationship I can't really say anymore because I've been thrown into the deep end of his nonsenses.
Stories like this break my heart. Your dad is a terrible person. You don’t fit into his picture-perfect new life, so he’s decided you are hard to love, gosh, it makes me sick!
Marrying someone just two years after your mom’s passing is already deeply disrespectful, but withholding love because you can’t pretend to be happy for him is unforgivable. Some people should never have children, and your father is one of them. You wouldn’t be the AH for cutting him out of your life entirely.
I would have blocked him before he had a chance to message. How dare he even imply it was wrong to walk out when he basically just told you he doesn't want or love you anymore. F**k him. Just tell him he has his perfect family now and your life will be better without his judgemental attitude in it so draw a line and walk away.
How much do you look like your mother. You and your stepmother don't have a issue. You and you siblings are okay ( especially since they are still kids and you are a college age teenager).
So it can be one of two things, you father is a jerk who expected stress in the family and primarily on you, a literal child or you look so much like your mother he wants to 'bury' you like he did his 1st wife.
Kushluennan (OP)
I look like my mom but I have some of dad in me too that it wouldn't make me the male version of mom exactly.
It sounds like Lil was okay with your level of involvement, but your dad never was. He waited until you'd driven 3 hours to see him just to tell you that he doesn't think he can really love you. Okay then. Bye, dad. Nice knowing you. NTA.