Dad who went through 'ugly' divorce excludes adult daughter from wedding. AITA?
"AITA if I don't invite my daughter to my wedding?"
There's a lot of backstory so please bear with me... I (57M) and my ex (56F) have three children (32F, 27M, 27M). We went through an UGLY divorce from 2005-2007. After it was over, she filed multiple motions for rehearing, extending things until February 2008.
Six months later, she files to move out of state and take the children with her. At that time, my daughter was starting her senior year of high school, was ranked 11th in her class, was a cheerleader, and was dating the guy who is now her husband. My daughter told my ex that she would walk back to Florida on her 18th birthday (in February) if her mom made her move out of state.
I offered to let my daughter stay with me, and my ex decided it wasn't worth the fight. So she lived with me full time, while I was still paying child support, and enabled her to keep her in-state FULL RIDE scholarship. After another year of litigation, the judge granted me full custody of the boys and found that my ex moved out of state in bad faith to try and interfere with my relationship with the kids.
My daughter was a competitive gymnast from 1999 - 2007 when she hurt her back. She won both State and Regional Championships. My parents paid for the majority of my daughter's gymnastics expenses which included traveling to meets across the country. They also took her on 2-week vacations every summer without her brothers.
When she turned 16, we (me, the woman I was dating at the time, and my parents) threw a Sweet 16 party for her. My ex asked if she could come to the party and I told her if she wanted to come, she was welcome to share in the cost and assist in setting it up.
She declined to assist, yet she crashed the party without an invitation... Not wanting to make a scene, I let her stay and even invited her up to say something at the appropriate time. My parents also bought my daughter a car for her 18th birthday when she was a senior in high school. After I won custody of the boys, my ex made it her mission to destroy my relationship with my daughter.
She convinced my daughter to exclude me from her college graduation, and then when she got engaged, my ex convinced my daughter to exclude me, my parents, and the rest of my side of the family from her wedding. My daughter said she was afraid I would start a confrontation with my ex at her wedding if I went.
Prior to this, my ex and I jointly met and took pictures of my daughter for her prom and graduation, for the boys' prom and graduation, and I even scheduled the boys' Eagle Scout Court of Honor within a few days of their graduation so her family could come.
My ex FIL made a huge scene with the Boy Scout Council Member who was present and told him the Counsil needs to do something about ME making the boys give my new wife (their step-mom) a "Mom" Pin.
The Council member informed my ex FIL that THE BOYS are the ones who made the decision to give their step-mom a "Mom" Pin and that he needs to talk to them. Their step-mom was instrumental in motivating them complete their merit badges and Eagle Scout Projects. Even though my ex and I NEVER had any conflict in public, my daughter still insisted on excluding me and my family from her wedding (November 2016).
My daughter cut off all communication with all of us after her wedding. NOTE: One of my son's refused to attend her wedding because she was excluding me. My wife died suddenly 3 years ago (medical malpractice). My daughter found out and asked my son if he would ask me if she could come to the funeral. My son refused and told her to call me herself.
She did, and I agreed to let her come. Communication has been a struggle since then, and while I've invited her to join me and my family for holidays, she consistently declines. She had a baby in May 2022.
She travelled up near my parents in TN with her husband's family, but refused to go visit my parents, even thought they drove within a mile of their home, so my parents have never seen their great grandson.
Her husband also refused to let her and her son go to her brother's wedding shower a few weeks ago. I began dating someone 2 years ago and we recently got engaged. WIBTAH if I don't invite my daughter to my wedding?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Expensive_Pain_5987 said:
NTA. Family drama is hard. Parental alienation is horrible. I’m so sorry you have dealt with that. She didn’t invite you to her wedding and hasn’t visited to introduce you to her child. At this point if you want to extend an olive branch one more time you could but I think it might just stir up more drama.
Your wedding means you decide the guests. I’m not sure it would be possible but you might try talking with her prior to invitations going out. It sounds like communication is not consistent so this suggestion might be impossible.
Kylito-77 said:
NTA. Just because she’s your daughter does that qualify her to disrespect you and your side of the family and you should change the title ‘" invited my daughter to my wedding and she didn’t come." Some ppl love being taken for granted.
Tannim44 said:
NTA, a wedding isn’t the place to mend family relationships. Leave your daughter off the invitation list and keep the day focused on you and your fiancée.
mak_zaddy said:
Honestly you won’t be NTA if you don’t invite her. But if you think you’ll have any amount of guilt, invite her and then if she doesn’t show, say goodbye and block her. Inform your sons and of your decision and let them you that you’re not asking them to be the middle man or expect them to cut her off because you are.
I invited my sperm donor of a father to my wedding as one final olive branch. When he declined via the website with no message, I sent him a good bye letter and check ties with him completely.
Vvvvvhonestopinion said:
NTA, she made her choice to listen to her mom and excludes you from everything a long time ago. You have been far more patient than I ever could. Please stop trying to include her on anything. She will only disappoint you over and over again. She is blood but she’s not family.