Man starts dating another woman after his wife's emotional cheating; 'she said she felt special.' AITA?
"AITA for dating someone when my wife and I are legally separated because she cheated on me?"
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My wife (31F) and I (32M) have been married for 6 years. We have no children. We legally separated last year, because I saw a text on my wife’s phone to her coworker where she said she felt special when talking to him.
My wife admitted she shouldn’t have sent that text, and that nothing physical had happened between her and her co worker, but she admitted that text was probably the beginnings of an emotional affair.
She was very remorseful about it and really regretful about everything, and she said she’d quit her job; and do anything to reconcile. She recommended marriage counseling and even individual therapy for herself.
However, I just felt extremely betrayed, and really wanted a divorce, but my wife recommended separation for an indefinite period of time to see if my feelings for her could rekindle.
I thought about it a lot, and ultimately agreed on legal separation. My wife told me she wouldn’t see or date anyone or during the separation, but I made no such guarantees, I told my wife she was free to do what she wanted, but she still insisted that she wasn’t going to even entertain it to prove her love to me.
My wife and I then got legally separated, and a couple of months after separation, I started seeing my current partner. We have now been dating for 9 months, and my partner knows about me being legally separated. I didn’t really feel the need to tell about my partner to my wife.
However, last week, my girlfriend and I were grocery shopping and holding hands, and my wife came up behind me and said hi. She seemed a bit hurt, and just immediately left after saying hi to me. I felt a bit guilty about it even though I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about it, and that I’m not doing anything wrong.
Later that night, I called my wife and told her everything, and I said we could proceed with divorce if she wanted to. However, my wife was crying and she said no, she said she still wants to give it a shot and that she still believes in us. I know I technically am not the AH, but I feel like I am an AH. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
calacmack
NTA but if you are in another serious relationship you should file for divorce instead of leading your wife on. Maintaining a legal separation just keeps her hopes up that you two will reconcile.
Majestic_Bit_4784
Maybe you should have just been honest with her from the start and said you couldn’t forgive her so you wanted a divorce, by agreeing to that legal separation you gave her false hope. Then you could have informed her you had met someone that you wanted a relationship with, she would have known the marriage is over.
CATTYBAG
YTA… to your wife and your current partner.
Away-Understanding34
YTA. If you have no intentions on working on the marriage and are moving on to another person, then file for divorce. Otherwise, you are leading your wife on. I imagine you are doing this to punish her.
Seriously, did you even try counseling or anything to work on the marriage or are you just planning on continuing to hurt & punish her for what she did? I am by no means defending her and you have a right to feel hurt, but make a decision on how you want to move forward.
tigerofjiangdong1337
I mean i think its bit extreme over an over an inappropriate text. But I've been married 15 years and my wife is my best friend so i wouldn't move to divorce over that.
If she was actively having intimacy with the guy then it would be a different story. I not only think you are right that he is trying to punish her but he wants a safety net, back up plan. Its nice to see someone calling him out.
AlwaysHelpful22
There is a reason you didn’t tell your wife about your girlfriend. Perhaps you didn’t want to hurt her. Perhaps you wanted to keep her around in case things with your gf didn’t work out. Either way, you now should divorce your wife so she can move on too. NTA.
zbornakingthestone
With emotional intelligence like this, it's hard to understand why your wife sought affection in the texts of someone else. YTA.
Fancy_Bass_1920
YTA but ONLY because you let your wife think there was a chance of reconciliation. If you had from the start said nope I want out then it would have been fine since both of you knew it was going to definitely end at some point and she wouldn’t be waiting for you.
waxedgooch
Tbh if the text alone drove you to divorce your marriage must have been built on a house of cards. Why don’t you just divorce, I don’t see your logic you are dating someone else. You seem vindictive. YTA.
I would have got to the root of why my wife felt special by that guy and worked to strengthen our bond. She was upfront, contrite and desperate to work with you. Your first thing was divorce. You gave up too easy for a lasting marriage. Divorce your wife, asap, and don’t get married again is my advice.
Accurate_Elevator824
YTA- it sounds like you have made up your mind but lack the character to share your decision. What your wife did was out of bounds, but she has done her part to atone for her misstep.
You very clearly have no intention of forgiving her and due to that cold harsh response I am inclined to believe that you already had started to pull emotionally out of your marriage before this which is likely why she was feeling lonely and overstepped boundaries to begin with. Do yourself and your new partner a favor and just be honest and file for the divorce.