Daughter caught in middle when Christian dad's open marriage proposal 'blows up in his face.' AITA? MAJOR SHOCKING UPDATES.
When this 22 year old woman is caught in the middle of her father's devastating choice, she asks Reddit:
"My dad is furious that my mom slept with other people in an open marriage he wanted. I'm stuck in the middle. What do I do?"
My parents got married when they were super young. My dad knocked up my mom, and their parents married them off. My grandfather was able to set up some business for my dad in a big city, and they moved here soon after my birth.
My mom grew up in a conservative southern town where she was taught to be a submissive wife. And even after moving to the big city, she didn't spend much time socializing. She had no friends and never went out.
My dad was only there to provide for us. He was always away on business, and he wasn't there as a husband for my mom or as a father to me.
My dad made a lot of money, so we never lacked anything. Growing up, I became my mom's best friend. We would talk about everything. I pushed her to make friends and to find hobbies.
After years of pushing, she started going to a nearby park and made her first friend, a gym trainer. Encouraged by her friend and me, she decided to join the gym.
She met a few more people there and started having some semblance of a social life, but she still continued to tell me everything.
I think my dad's new secretary gave him the idea, but he asked my mom for an "open marriage" almost a year ago. He told her he wasn't happy in their marriage and that she wasn't providing him with everything he wanted.
My mom, who is a "christian wife", was mortified and told me about the proposal in tears. Then, it all backfired. I suggested she get a divorce, but she said she didn't believe in it and she wouldn't be the one to end their marriage.
As my dad pushed, I knew exactly where this would end up if my mom agreed. Her friend and I convinced her. My mom was hesitant at first, but she agreed with the condition that they would be completely transparent with each other.
My dad was a middle aged (41) man with a belly and my mom (39) was an athletic woman who worked out regularly. I'm a 22 yo woman btw. I don't know how my dad was so blind or what he thought would happen.
I helped create online dating profiles for my mom almost six months ago. After getting an insane number of matches, choosing from them and chatting with them for months, my mom started hooking up with a few people. Getting all this attention has provided a massive boost to her confidence and she seems better.
My dad hooked up with his secretary almost immediately. He's had very little luck with other ladies. With their transparency thing, my mom tells him about all her hook ups.
A few weeks ago, my dad screamed at my mom for some minor thing. Usually, my mom would've apologised but with her new confidence, she didn't back down.
It's been constant fights the last few weeks. My dad keeps starting fights by making snide remarks about my mom's clothing or appearance.
He almost even called my mom a whore but stopped himself. I think "open marriage" finally sunk in. My mom told me he tried to have a conversation about stopping their "open marriage" but she immediately shot it down. I think they'll split up.
My dad was never there for either of us but the thought of my parents splitting up still feels weird. I don't feel bad for my dad but I wish he put effort into his family. I'm happy for my mom though.
Before we give you OP's shocking updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
gdwrench writes:
An open relationship is a bad idea, if both parties are not into it, and the relationship is not already diamond solid. 99/100, it will end up destroying the relationship.
Not because it's wrong, but because it will absolutely magnify any and all relationship issues. One or the other will realize the relationship is ending, and will either actively end it, or "allow" the other partner to end it.
If both partners are into it, and the relationship is rock solid, and communication is solid, it can work. But most relationships aren't at that point.
Your Dad wanted to f around, and by doing so he found out that which the rest of us already know. Women do far better in this realm than men.
And, as a unintended consequence, he created a strong, confident woman, who will have no problem going forward. He could have done this without the "open relationship ", and likely had a successful marriage. His loss.
jakethecake writes:
Ex-Wife wanting an open marriage was one of the big reasons why we divorced. Ex-Wife asked for an open marriage I declined said if we're doing that might as well be divorced. Bunch of fights later and conversations about it we separated I moved into my brother's house.
Well first month we were separated she slept with about 4 people that I know of. Me on the other hand decide to sleep with 1 person, she finds out and flips the eff out and says I cheated because we were technically still married. Close friend of mine and hers admitted she slept with well over that number.
Even years after our divorce was finalized. She still plays victim to my family and mutual friends and denies sleeping with anyone else for the past 8 years. I till this day don't know how an open marriage can work.
bullux9 writes:
Your dad is an idiot who only thought about himself. He was so fucking blind, he did not realize & use any resemblance of an imagination, that his wife was an active person, who guys would try to hook up with.
He did the proposal of an open marriage, for himself. It was essentially a, get out of divorce free card, for him. He wanted to be unfaithful, & he thought your mom was so reserved, so dumb, that she would not take the opportunity.
She is athletic, which means she is working on her figure. None of what transpired went through that idiots’ head.
If he asked for the open marriage in any written way, text, email, etc. even the audio feature in text chats, everything, gather all of it. Idiots may be morons, yet they can be ruthless.
So get everything you can, because that man only cared about himself. He only cares about “OWNERSHIP”, & not mutually living with other people, who make each other happy.
That is why he is a bad person. So protect yourself, & your mom. Depending on your living situation, you could get the house your mom lives at under her name alone in the divorce. I’m almost sure he will “go for the jugular”, in divorce proceedings.
He “ONLY”, wanted control. Now that he sees that he does not, he is unhappy. F that guy, & everyone like him. I think he has certain personality disorders like narcissism, & others from the story you posted, OP, yet I’m not sure on any of them. However, I will say that your dad is an asshole.
He only paid for everything or most things, because he felt he was in control. That’s it. That’s all his train of thought went through. He only thought of himself in the open marriage thing, so he thought he was smart in convincing your mom OP, to go along with it.
He wanted to have sex outside of the marriage, & not have it used against him in a court of law. He only thought about himself, & not about the fact that your mom is hot & that plenty of guys would want to be with her.
Do yourself & your mom a favor, & get ready for a nasty divorce from your dad. Gather evidence. He tried to use the excuse of an open marriage / relationship, in order to cheat on your mom, & not have it used against him. That alone, is why he is a terrible person.
vgfraud writes:
As someone who has been poly for years, I saw the same thing coming. Married couples will frequently use polyamory to save their marriage and it NEVER works out. It's the same as using a kid to fix a broken marriage. You don't fix it by adding more hands to the problem.
Your dad wanted to be allowed to cheat - to have his cake and eat it too. He expected his pious wife would always be exactly that, so he'd always have her as his safety net.
Now he's seeing that she's coming into her own, that she's got no shortage of people who want her, while he isn't the hot shit she'd previously let him believe he was. That sounds like a whole lot of his own damn problem.
I'll be the first to admit that my husband and I opened our own marriage for a bit, but we did that because he knew I was poly before him and he wanted to give it a try. I love and appreciate him so much for stepping out of his comfort zone and being open to exploring that lifestyle together.
And we both came to the understand that it wasn't a good fit for us, so we closed our marriage again. But that was a mutual decision we came to with a fuck ton of conversation. It was not the decision for one person to come to and force the other to.
I'm happy for your mom. I hope she stays strong and gets herself somewhere nice if it's not with your dad. He's about halfway through a heaping serving of "fuck around" with a side of "find out."
And now, OP's first major update:
A few days after my previous post, my dad left our home and had a divorce served to mom in a week. My grandparents didn't know about any of this, but my dad told them when he served the divorce. He also implied to them that my mom was cheating on him.
Both sets of grandparents came to our home and started berating my mom. I kept screenshots of all my parents' communications, and my mom showed them to them and it got way worse after that. Grandparents started fighting each other blaming each other's children for causing all this.
A few days after this, my mom's old "church friends" came to our home. Back when my mom used to go to church, they used to look down on her for being from a small town.
My mom has always been a very caring and non-judgemental person, so she disagreed with their bigotry and they began excluding her from their activities. After she met her gym friends, my mom stopped going to church entirely. These "church friends" started calling my mom a slut and she kicked them out.
My mom is on a cut right now, so she has very defined abs and arms. So along with all the normal stuff getting thrown at her, my grandparents accused her of having a "man body" and she also had a lot of random transphobia thrown at her.
Her trainer friend has been a great support through all this. She contacted the attorney she used for her divorce and my mom is spending a lot of time at her house.
Turns out, the business my dad is running is owned by mom. It was set up by my mom's dad in her name, so it belongs to her. I did not know this until now and assumed that my dad owned it.
The whole situation is a huge mess right now. Dad is living in some hotel and my grandparents left yesterday after a week of fighting and trying to force my parents back together. I know there's a lot more divorce drama to come but I hope it calms down for now.
Readers responded to OP's update:
thoralost writes:
I am so sorry you and your mom are going through this. While it sounds like your dad is an idiot, I can't imagine hearing that makes you feel better. He's still your dad and it sounds like you didn't hate him prior to this, regardless of how limited your connection to him was.
Massive props to your mom for finding her worth. She sounds like an amazing woman. I hope she has a wonderful future in front of her with loads of adventures. She's earned them.
Best of luck to you too. I hope you still have some semblance of relationship with your family beyond your mom when this is all done. Fingers crossed they don't act like such assholes that you never want to speak with any of them again.
OP's major second update:
A lot of shit has happened since my last update. Firstly, I wanted to thank all the well-wishers on my previous posts. Writing these posts has helped me process the stuff that's happening, so I'm making another one.
My mom's attorney, the one recommended by my mom's gym friend Lisa, has been a great help. She walked my mom through what's going to happen and reassured her. She started looking through the company stuff in preparation for the divorce proceedings and we found a lot of shocking stuff.
I don't know why I was surprised by this, but my dad was having affairs for a long time. He used company resources to book flights and resorts at holiday destinations.
There were receipts for many trips with multiple women, spanning the last 10 years. Because he was always absent from our lives, my mom didn't suspect anything. It didn't seem like he made any effort to hide these.
He also used the company email to talk to his secretary about the affair stuff. Turns out, they were fg months before my dad asked my mom for an open relationship.
This is what we gathered from their emails - after months of their affair, the secretary didn't want to remain a mistress. So, she started pestering my dad to get a divorce. But they wanted my mom to initiate it so that he could get a massive chunk of the company.
The secretary came up with the idea of asking my mom for the open relationship. They hoped that my mom would be horrified and ask for a divorce. They were caught off guard when my mom agreed.
My dad got jealous when my mom started having sex. After initiating the divorce, he deleted all his emails and told his secretary to do it too. Unfortunately for him, they were still stored the company email server.
I haven't seen my dad in over a month. All of his communication has been through his attorney. He apparently wants half the company. My mom's attorneys are still looking for more evidence, but they told us that they don't expect him to get much with the evidence they have.
Lisa has been supporting my mom through the whole ordeal. She also got a divorce because her husband cheated on her, so she's been helping my mom a lot.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's updates:
almightyjessira writes:
Very happy for your mom! She deserves WAY better than this. So as crappy as this situation is, at least it will hopefully lead to your mom leading a more fulfilling life.
Also, big time hugs from me to you OP. I haven't had a very good relationship with my dad in about 18 years. Still though, his and my step moms marriage was the only example I really had of a "functional happy marriage".
So several years ago when my parents seperated it was a shock. Since then a lot of stuff has come out about my dad and for the last 3 years we have been in the midst of a criminal trial over some stuff my dad did.
At the beginning of it though it was very hard to have my parents divorcing. It didn't matter that I wasn't close to my dad. It was just hard to see this relationship falling apart that I had revered because it was the most functional relationship I had seen in my life.
Now I'm completely over it. My dad is a piece of shit and my step mom deserves MUCH better than him.
So I know what it is like to have mixed feelings over a divorce as you mentioned in your previous post. I hope you are able to heal from all this just as much as I hope your mom does.