'Fourteen years of silence then perfume': Mom fears biodad’s motives reconnecting with teen daughter. AITA?
"AITA for not approving my daughter exchanging numbers with her estranged dad?"
Please be kind. I'm a little sensitive and could use constructive feedback. I'm (40f) a single mother to my daughter (14f). I can’t share the exact reason her dad and I split, but I was in a dangerous situation and escaping with my baby was the only way to protect us. That was a decade ago. Since then, he’s shown zero remorse or attempt to reconcile.
As you can imagine, single parenting has been hard. I’ve shed blood, sweat, and tears raising her alone. I love her dearly, but it stings that I’ve had to play every role. Parent, teacher, provider, while he’s faced ZERO responsibility.
Now that she’s a teen, it's harder. She’s moody, she is quick to apologize but quicker to hold grudges... especially when I say no to things like clothes or makeup. Her love language is gift giving, so she takes it as rejection if I don't say yes every time. I guess she also quietly resents not having a father and might carry that hurt beneath the surface, which sometimes provokes her to anger.
Last week, out of nowhere, her dad called me from a random number. Said he was in town and wanted to meet. I was scared but went, with my cousin watching from a distance in case it went badly. To my surprise, he was calm and asked about our lives.
When he saw our daughter, he sobbed & said he couldn’t believe how much she’d grown. He even gave her a small gift (perfume), and she lit up. Then he asked for her number, and she gave it to him. I felt completely thrown.
I understand he’s her biological dad, but he’s effectively a stranger. After ten years of silence, one meeting, one gift, and suddenly he’s 'back' in her life? He made no attempt to rebuild trust with me, just went straight to her.
I’m not against them reconnecting, IF he’s changed. But it needs to happen slowly, safely, and with me present. She’s a minor, young, vulnerable, and easily influenced. I’m scared he’ll manipulate her or try to take her away emotionally, now that he sees how amazing she’s become.
If she were 18+ this would be different. But she’s not!! I told her I need to oversee their conversations until I can trust him. She got defensive, saying her friends talk to their dads freely.
I reminded her this is different as he’s been absent all her life. I said once she’s an adult, it’s her choice..but for now, I asked her to block his number and let me be the point of contact.
She doesn’t get my fear and thinks I’m overreacting. But I didn't raise her alone for 14 years just to let someone who once hurt us walk back in unchecked. Her emotions are valid but they might be clouding her judgment. AITA for asking her to delete his number and wanting to control their contact for now? Should I take a step back or am I right to be cautious?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Ask her to only chat in a group text because of his past. My dad tried to manipulate me.
NTA. It's your job to protect her. She might not be happy about it, but doing what's right isn't always fun and games. Maybe find a therapist to help facilitate building a relationship in a safe environment if you're comfortable with that.
If you just stop her from contacting him she will blame you forever (not important who's right or wrong here). Allow them to interact but closely monitor their conversations, especially text's. At 14 She is old enough to be told that it's for her own safety and some of the reasons why.
NTA. Your primary directive is ensuring her health and well-being and it sounds like you have reason to suspect your ex may imperil that. I'm just curious. Could you not get child support from him? Does he have any legal visitation rights? I'd be tempted to consult a lawyer just in case.
You're NTA for not approving of him, but unfortunately you're going at this the wrong way. Telling her to delete his number and/or block him is only going to make her go behind your back. Insisting on using a chat messenger that you can view is fine and you should offer it as a compromise.
But more importantly you need to sign the pair of you up for family counselling. A few sessions on your own first so you can explain the background to the therapist, and then additional sessions with your daughter so the therapist can help you explain the background to her in an age-suitable way.
NTA. But have you told her wha happened? She’s old enough to know. Knowledge keeps her safe.
I'm on the other side. I'm a father who had a problem with alcohol. I understand why she left. I understand why I couldn't look after my children other than sending money. But I have changed. I'm working as a manager and I'm doing well. I earn more than twice the national average. Give him the chance to change.
NTA, you’re protecting your daughter from something she probably doesn’t fully understand. While I don’t think trying to control it from her end was necessarily a bad idea, I think that will cause more interpersonal issues between you and her more than it will do any good; kids are resentful and sneaky lol.
I’d suggest sitting down with ex hubs in person (in public and observed by a friend or family member again if possible) and having a discussion with him about it. Because he’s an adult and because he is the one who needs to be putting in the work to resolve things.
He needs to be considerate of what you are and are not okay with. Talking with him about it and setting boundaries in person will also give you the chance to observe how he reacts to this in real time.