'My daughter left me to stay with her mom and ignored me, aita for not talking to her after she came back to me pregnant?' + UPDATE
"My daughter left me to stay with her mom and ignored me, aita for not talking to her after she came back to me pregnant?"
throwaway863247732
I raised my 24 year old daughter on my own, I had my daughter when I was very young, I was 19 her mom broke up with me and said she doesn't want to be responsible for a child and I had her full custody. My ex gave up her rights to her daughter and left for who knows where.
It was really really hard for me to raise her and take care of her, thankfully my sister and my mom helped me taking care of her when I was working but still it was hard for me taking care of my daughter working and doing chores and other stuff all on my own, for her I even sacrificed dating or marriage, I didn't want my daughter to have a step mom or anything like that.
My daughter's and her mom's relation started flourishing 2 years ago, her mom visited me and said she wanted to talk to her daughter, I didn't want to allow her but I thought my daughter needs to know about her mom.
They have gotten closer and hang out alot I didn't have a problem with that but 10 months ago my daughter said she wants to go live with her mom, I refused I told her it's better she just stays with me and visit her mom everyday if she wants, but my daughter didn't listen to me she said she's an adult and can do whatever she wants.
I tried explaining and told her repeatedly that my ex is not a good person.
But my daughter didn't listen to me.
After she left I wasn't in contact with my daughter for all these months, I tried but she would deny meeting me and always tell me she's busy or other excuses and we only talked to each other on the phone.
But 5 days ago my daughter visited me and she was crying I was angry at her for ignoring me for all this time but I took her in, she hugged me right away and after a while she told me the truth.
She told me that she's pregnant and her mom kicked her out after she ran out of money I gave her, I was so shocked because I didn't even know my daughter had a boyfriend but now my daughter is pregnant?
I love my daughter very much, even if she has betrayed me I couldn't just deny her entry to my house I let her in, she is staying with me once again but I do not talk to her.
She told me she found out that she's pregnant a month ago and after she told her mom, she was kicked out after alot of taunting for days and her ex bf doesn't want to take care of her child so she needs my legal help.
I told her I will help her with everything but do not talk to me, I said I did everything for you sacrificed everything for you but you didn't even come back to your home or meet your father even once.
I haven't been talking to my daughter to my daughter ever since she came back, she on the other hand is depressed and suddenly turned back into a 9 year old, she would randomly hug me and come to my side to sleep and while sleeping she hugs me and cry and I feel like she wants her father's comfort so I hug her back and let her sleep.
My daughter begs me to talk to her and says that she needs her father but I think I should punish my daughter for just abandoning me that's why I'm giving her silent treatment tho I will help her with everything else. Am I wrong for being upset with my daughter?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's story:
Jazzlike-Bird-3192
Go see a therapist with your daughter. It sounds like neither of you are handling this very well.
Ok_Rutabaga_9875
Along with this a step up model action plan. Job, own residence, stable life for the child. She's 24 and acting like a baby time for her to grow up.
Spare-Conflict836
Yeah she definitely acts a lot younger than a 24 year old. She needs to take accountability for her actions and be an adult. I wonder if she even works, seeing as she is just hopping from one parents house to the other (although I understand that if they are in a HCOL area, it can be hard to earn enough to be independent).
NerdySwampWitch40
I am not going to give you a judgment, but I am going to give you some advice. Your daughter likely spent her whole life building up fantasies of her mom in her head. And then, when her mother showed back up when she was an adult, you tried to treat her as a kid and forbid things.
Meanwhile, mom is there probably acting more like a cool friend than a parent. She's still young, and she made mistakes. Being pissed about that is normal. We are often pissed at our families when they screw up. BUT...the silent treatment is ultimately not going to make you feel better.
What I would suggest is that the two of you do some family counseling sessions together. Frame it less around "I told you so" and more so you can communicate how much she hurt you by doing what she did.
Use this opportunity to fix your relationship. Otherwise, as soon as she is stable and on her feet, she's going to be gone again, but not to her Mom. Just gone, and with your grandkid. I assume you don't want that.
all_taboos_are_off
NTA but the silent treatment is really hard. Instead you should put your foot down and make her take responsibility for her actions, she needs a job and to think about her future. Who is going to take care of this baby? Does she expect you to do it? You guys need to talk about the plan.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
throwaway863247732
Before the actual update, I want to say a few things, first off I am honestly surprised that there were 3k comments I obviously couldn't go through all of them but thanks for the advice.
Also why are some comments about I banged my ex when she was a minor while I was an adult lol? She's a year older than and wtf are those comments about I want my daughter to be my soulmate? Wtf? Stop with that.
And honestly forget my ex. First, she ruined my life then my daughter's. The only thing that she blessed me with is my daughter and my ex didn't even spare her daughter.
Anyway, I decided to not punish my daughter with silent treatment any longer, obviously I wouldn't have gave her silent treatment forever or long enough just a few days to week or two at most, my goal was to teach her that she cannot take her loved ones for granted and if she does that she might push her loved ones away and they may not come back to her.
In any case I sat my daughter down and cleared the air, I told her that we need to talk she was happy. I said I am your father and you are my child you were and are and always will be my responsibility if you weren't my blood related child and I didn't accept you back in my house where would you go? On the streets?
Your behaviour was uncalled for, we lived our lives together for past 25 years and you just disappeared didn't even come to meet me and only called me sometimes which was as rare as full moon.
She was sad I could see it on her face, I consoled her, I tried explaining to her that she should think of herself first and foremost nothing else matters, the money I gave you which you blew up would have lasted you 3 years and if you tried saving up it wouldve lasted you 5 years but you blew it up on your mom, it was for you and your future and further education.
I explained that I could have kicked you out at 18 like other selfish parents do or could have given you for adoption and not take responsibility of you like your mother but I didn't, it's a privilege that you have a father to help you financially and still living with me when you are so old.
I asked her who was her boyfriend or was she forced, thankfully she said she wasn't forced by anyone, cause otherwise I would have lost my mind. She told me that she met a guy and started dating him.
She said she was happy living her life with her mother and trusted her new bf and she got pregnant, when she told her mother that she didn't have any more money and she's pregnant, her mother kicked her out and her bf didn't want to be a father so he left.
I told her that she can have the baby if she wants ill support you, but your life will become just like mine unlike me you have a family member to support you, when I was raising you my sister and mother only helped me taking care of you during my absence but since you are living with me and you are my daughter I'll help you raising the child if you want.
She told me that she wants to terminate and started crying, I hugged her and said she should think hard, taking care of child is hard but abortion is just as much, you might regret it in future.
She started crying I consoled her and said I will support you until I die, I am not pissed about the money, whatever I have is yours this whole house is yours and don't worry about the money I'll give twice as much as you spent.
My daughter said she's sorry for ignoring me and not listening to me, I said I didn't want to tell you but your mother is a piece of work, but you wanted to know your mother so I kept quite and you are no longer my 16 you cannot snuggle into me and cry.
She said she's hurt by her mother and her bf's betrayal and thought she might lose me as well, I told her I'll support you and if you chose to keep the baby we'll seek child support, it's time you focus on your life, get your masters and get married and stand your ground.
We decided to go counsiling and my daughter said I should find a woman and get married, but I'm not interested in that, my focus is my child and her wellbeing, I want her happy and out of this toxicity and she gets married and live her life.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
CinnamonBlue
See about therapy for her solo. She’s incredibly immature for her age and that could be due to you. She needs to grow separately from you.
throwaway863247732 (OP)
Yeah I also thought about it, I'll put her inti individual therapy when she's ready, she's 24 and still snuggling into her dad for comfort, maybe it was my fault for giving her everything and treating her as a princess, she has to understand that I won't be with her forever.
I can give her comfort but it won't last long, the money and security I will leave her with will last forever but only if she understands and doesn't let others take advantage of her. I will make a plan for her.
Salt-Finding9193
She’s immature and irresponsible. You don’t help by promising to give her double the money that’s just ridiculous. Instead of helping her becoming financially responsible you’re spoiling her. She’ll never learn.