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'Daughter uninvited to wedding - so we are not going. AITA?'

'Daughter uninvited to wedding - so we are not going. AITA?'

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"Daughter uninvited to wedding - so we are not going. AITA?"

My niece is getting married in April and preparations have been underway for well over a year. This is my sister's daughter. I am the youngest in my family and I have one child who is 10. From the start my family has included my daughter in planning from afar, and from the very beginning had made it seem as if she was invited to the wedding.

Things like her cousin (my niece) asking her what kind of dress she was going to get, asking me if we would want to just Doordash McDonalds for her (a running joke in our family, don't read too much into it!), my daughter and I even flew in for the bridal shower.

So you can 100% imagine my surprise and hurt when my sister called me and told me 2 weeks ago that the couple had decided to do a child-free wedding. This, by the way, is not why I am questioning if I am the AH or not.

Yes, it was a slap in the face to my daughter, and yes this decision was not taken well by me and my husband, my mom, and my brother who has a 13 year old who was also "uninvited", but at the end of the day, we recognize that it is their wedding and their decision, no matter how awful that decision is.

The decision was made because the groom's family has a ton of little cousins that are absolute monsters and in order to avoid having them at the wedding, they made the entire thing "child-free".

Trust me, my mom and brother are taking up being the AH slack for me on that end. I will even be honest that I do understand the reasoning but there is more to that story that it's not really pertinent here.

The logistics of this wedding were that it was a "destination" wedding for us, with the majority of the festivities happening in the evening during one day. Almost all of my family can drive a few hours to this, but for us we needed to fly and stay in a hotel, which we had already booked.

It's also a really cool location so we had planned to stay a few days and as a mini vacation so this whole debacle has thrown a wrench into our plans. We tried to play nice at first, asking if they were going to provide a well-known friend or family member to watch any children who needed to travel with their families.

Nope... they couldn't possibly ask someone to do that since all the adults were invited to the wedding and hiring someone was out of their budget. My mom suggested my daughter and her cousin be "included" in the wedding so they could say they were part of the wedding party.

The groom adamantly didn't want that. My sister suggested we fly first to my brother and drop her off so that her 13 year old cousin could watch her... that suggestion went over just about as well as you think it did. Yes, let's uninvite the 13 year old and then make her watch a 10 year old. FFS.

So here we are... am I the AH? Because we finally said eff it, we are still going but we are not going to the wedding. I am not leaving my 10 year old alone in a hotel room all night, I am not going to make my husband stay with her while I go have fun, and I am not going to throw it in my daughter's face that she didn't get to go to the wedding she was so looking forward to.

But we already paid big money for the flight and hotel and tickets to the theme parks near their venue. Well, you can guess how well that went over with my sister and my oldest sister (who has adult children so she wasn't affected at all by this).

My mom sides with me but isn't happy with either of us, and my brother and his family are now thinking he will come too and just hang with us and also not go to the wedding (I am literally the troublemaker it seems).

I'm starting to feel guilty though because my niece is sweet and you can tell she is not happy either (and again, there is way more to that story, which has to deal with the groom, but it doesn't change this drama and nothing is likely to change before April).

Children are "invited" to the 15 minute ceremony, but would have to leave right after. Waste of time and again, just rubbing it in my daughter's face that she is not welcome. If you do think I am the AH here... realistically what should I do then.

Just a note, I know people love updates, but if I do update this, it won't be until after the wedding, unless something major changes which I really don't see happening just due to the groom's personality, and because I know many of you will pick up on this, yes, this really is a "girl you need to run far and fast" but unless a miracle eye opening happens between now and April, that isn't going to happen.

Edit to Add: Thanks to everyone who commented. I think there was enough advice that said we should at least go to the ceremony, and to be honest I feel like is probably the answer for us.

For now, I will most likely plan to go and then catch up with my brother and his family and my husband and daughter. I recognize that there is a lot of toxicity in this situation and hurt feelings. I'm Ok with not going to the reception, but will ultimately let my daughter decide if she wants to go to the ceremony.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

NTA. They’re well within their rights not to invite children…which means they shouldn’t be surprised, nor should they complain, when people tell them they’re not attending.

Especially when this is a last minute change. If they'd said childfree from the beginning, this wouldn't be happening.

NTA - They said don't bring your child and you aren't. Those who choose a child free wedding, a destination wedding, a theme wedding, a dry wedding, or actually any kind of wedding need to understand that invitations are not commands. Invitees, like you, can decline. It is not your responsibility to twist your life into accepting the invitation unless you want to.

(OP)

I will say, weddings in our family are almost like a command, it's why even though my mom is mad as hell at my sister and niece, in her eyes I still have to make it work.

"From the start my family has included my daughter in planning from afar... even flew in for the bridal shower."

They set expectations that your daughter was part of the celebration, so the sudden shift to child-free feels like a betrayal. You’re justified in being upset.

"We recognize that it is their wedding and their decision, no matter how awful that decision is."

True, it’s their right to make the rules, but it’s also your right to decide how to respond when it affects you and your child. Respect goes both ways.

"Nope... they couldn't possibly ask someone to do that since all the adults were invited to the wedding and hiring someone was out of their budget."

They’ve provided no reasonable alternative for traveling parents. This leaves you with an impossible choice, and it’s unfair to expect you to sacrifice your child’s well-being or your time as a family.

"Children are 'invited' to the 15-minute ceremony, but would have to leave right after."

That’s not really inclusion, it’s more of a token gesture. Asking a child to attend a tiny portion of an event only to leave feels inconsiderate.

"I am not leaving my 10-year-old alone in a hotel room all night."

You’re absolutely right!! This would be irresponsible. You’re prioritizing your daughter’s safety and emotional well-being, which makes sense as a parent.

the_wicked_soccermom (OP)

Thank you for this reply. If I take any reply away from this it will be yours. My family has this expectation that we just need to make it work. There are age gaps and old school ways of thinking in play here and I honestly just want to wash my hands of it all.

NTA. It out right cruel to get a 10 year old excited about going to your wedding and then exclude them. I get your niece is sweet, but if she allows her future husband to treat her family like this she needs to get use to this type of thing happening a lot more as the years go by.

She is allowing him to purposely hurt her 10 and 13 year old cousins because he and his family can’t address behavioral (and possibly parenting) issues on his side of the family.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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