'AITA for refusing to share any of my daughter's stuff with my husband’s affair kid?' UPDATED

"AITA for moving all my daughter’s belongings to my parents house and leaving nothing for my husband’s affair kid?"

AITA for this? My husband told me Saturday that he'd had an affair and had a kid from it. Our kids are 14m and 10f and this child is 9f. Something happened to her mother in the last couple weeks (I was a little too busy screaming at him to listen to the details) and he was leaving to go get her.

My daughter came to me crying saying that he told her she had to share her room and her stuff with this girl for now. I called my parents and they agreed to her staying in their guest room (2 bedroom condo so my son and I are staying at the house).

We packed her stuff and Monday my parents, sister, BIL, and nephews helped us move ALL her stuff to my parents place. They also helped put locks on my bedroom and my son's bedroom. We moved all my husband's stuff from my bedroom to the 4th bedroom that he used as a home office.

Yesterday evening my husband got home with his affair kid. He got mad about all the stuff being gone and nothing being left for her. She's from a much warmer area and doesn't have clothes for the cold here (we live in the northern part of the US). This morning he caught me in the kitchen to complain to me about it again and said I was beint cruel by not making my daughter share with her. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

SunnyBunnyHopHop said:

I mean, definitely NTA for refusing to make your daughter share her belongings with your husband's affair child. But also, like what is your ultimate game plan here? From the post, it sounds like you have completely relocated your daughter to her grandparents house. Even if she gets to keep all her stuff with her, it's not fair to move her out of the home just to safeguard her belongings.

Honestly, it sounds like you need to kick husband to the curb & let him figure out how he needs to care for his affair child. If you intend to stay with husband for some reason, then you need to seriously work through those logistics to ensure your daughter can come home, & figure out how your husband's affair child factors into that equation.

OP said:

I’m going to file for divorce. My plan right now is for my daughter to stay with my parents until he moves out or I move out.

animaniactoo said:

NTA. His plan was to make your daughter share? Not go out and buy her some essentials to get by while assessing what else is going to be needed? Make both girls share a room with a stranger out of the blue? And not as a question of a couple of weeks but permanently? Not give up HIS home office to create a bedroom for her?

Everything he was planning on was guaranteed to undermine your daughter’s sense of security, safety, and sense of her place within your family. Yeah, the affair daughter is here and needs to be taken care of.

But not by undermining your other children unless it is the absolute last and therefore necessary option. Plus, the sheer audacity to expect that he just got to unilaterally dictate that to your daughter, NOT discuss with you and agree together on what would happen…

OP said:

He was going to put her in the office room after cleaning it out and getting her furniture. I just didn’t want my daughter to deal with sharing everything she owns in the mean time.

catskilkid said:

NTA. Dude will have to support this child, AND will have to be paying child support for your son and daughter if you go the divorce route. You owes nothing to this child.

Your daughter can make her choice with time, but since it took your husband 9 years to tell your daughter, your son and yourself, it's a lame and sad effort by your husband. He obviously is dealing with the shit hitting the fan, but it is his shit and his fan so his panic is his own doing.

United-Manner20 said:

Nta but file for divorce asap. He clearly knew about this child. It was not a surprise to him. He’s been lying to you for almost a decade, longer than that if you count the time he was having the affair.

You and your children deserve so much better file for full custody and child support and he can figure out everything he needs for his affair child. It’s not the child’s fault but it is 1000% and it is also 1000% not your responsibility to make his life any easier when he blew up, your life, but your kids life and your family.

twilightlatte said:

NTA. Why aren't you kicking him out, though?

OP responded:

Because he owns the house too.

herefortheshirts said:

It sucks for the 9 yo, who had nothing to do with it and now is cold and with a man who (maybe?) ignored her for 9 years, but not your responsibility, not something that needs to be put on your daughter, definitely something your (soon-to-be-ex?) husband needs to figure out.

So, NTA. But what’s your plan? Your daughter is watching you stick up for her, but make sure you stick up for yourself, too. That’s the most important thing you can do for your daughter now.

jleek9 said:

NTA- This man has some audacity to be angry with YOU. Why the fuck is he not concerned with the absence of his 1st daughter? He planned to just dump this kid into his daughter's room with all her stuff and this stranger would just use her stuff!! What a jerk. How about making appropriate accommodations for this poor girl that may have just lost her mother!!?

Commendable, I guess, to go get the girl but typical man to just expect his wife & daughter to care for her every need. He better be taking his ass to the damn store to get her some weather appropriate clothing stat.

And Distinct-Session-799 said:

Yall do know divorces don’t happen over night? Yall are aware people just can’t pack up their whole life and just move somewhere.. why hasn’t the husband moved out with his daughter?? You need to think of the end goal here but for this one moment, NTA

Here are more updates from OP in the comments:

I found out on Saturday that he cheated. I’m not staying permanently. I’m going to divorce him but that takes time.

Me and my son saw her yesterday and will see her every day until she’s living with us again. She won’t miss us, more like she’ll be tired of us lol.

I’m not neglecting a child who isn’t in my care. I don’t provide for the kids down the street am I neglecting them too?

I’ll take my son to my parents house to see my daughter every day and I’m only going to cook for me and my son.