'AITA for not changing my daughter's wedding venue even though my sister's husband proposed to his 22-year-old mistress there last month?'
"AITA for not changing my daughter's wedding venue even though my sister's husband proposed to his 22-year-old mistress there last month?"
I (51F) put down a $20K non-refundable deposit on this gorgeous beachfront estate for my daughter , let's call her Amy's (26F), wedding next September. We booked it 18 months out. For context, and without revealing too much, it's THE venue in our area, and it has been Amy's dream wedding spot in all of her pinterest boards.
Last month, my sister -- let's call her Carol (53F) -- found out her cheating ex-husband -- let's call him Mark (55M) -- proposed to his coworker (28F - she was 22 when they started having an affair) who he had been having an affair with.
The woman posted engagement photos from the same venue... Specifically the beautiful beach area where Amy plans to have her ceremony. Carol is obviously destroyed.
She called me sobbing, begging me to change venues. Says she can't watch Amy get married where Mark proposed to a girl younger than his own daughter. Can't smile for photos on THAT beach.
I feel sick for her. I do. But:
$20K non-refundable deposit.
Save-the-dates already sent.
Amy's dreamed of this venue since high school.
Everything else is booked or 3x the price.
I told Carol I can't lose $20K and crush Amy's dreams because Mark is trash. Carol says I'm choosing money over her mental health. That I'm forcing her to relive the worst betrayal of her life for "pretty pictures."
I also talked to Amy about it and she does not want a venue change. That it's not her fault Mark -- who has been out of all out lives for the last 5 years -- ruined that place for Carol.
Carol called Amy a "spoiled brat who wouldn't understand real pain." Now Carol's skipping Thanksgiving. My and carol's side of the family (her daughters and to some extent, my parents) says I'm heartless.
The place is cursed anyway, why should we host Amy's big day there. My husband's side of the family says Carol doesn't get to hijack Amy's wedding because her husband's a cheater. AITA for not switching venues?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
"who has been out of all out lives for the last 5 years"
Carol has had five years - it is sad that the wounds are fresh and deep, but it isn't your daughter's issue to repair. NTA.
Tell her you’d rather pay for some therapy for her than lose the $20,000.. she needs it! Five years ? Let’s move on!
This. She has 13 months to get some therapy before attending the wedding.
Info: Just to be clear on the timeline here…You say Mark is the EX husband, and he “has been out of all our lives for the last 5 years”…so they divorced five years ago?
Mark proposed just last month? Sorry Carol, but if you’ve been divorced for 5 years, you need to not GAF what he’s doing now. Why was Carol even checking the mistress’s posts?
NTA. If Carol can't bring herself to go to that spot, that's sad. But that's all it is. There's no need for you to lose your money, or for your daughter to lose the venue she wants.
Particular-Wish-1761 (OP)
thank you for the thought -- i really feel for Carol. I really do. And it's so hard to not have my sister support her niece's best day.
Nta Carol need therapy. She has been divorced for 5 years and can't get over it. Then she thinks she has the right to order you and your daughter to change wedding plans. Nope. Solution is easy.
Carol is uninvited from the wedding. If my sister called my daughter those names because my daughter didn't want to cancel her wedding plan and wanted me to lose $20000 because sister can't move past a 5 year old divorce then I will never have contact with my sister again.
NTA. This isn’t about your sister or her marriage/divorce. You should tell her that if anything it’s a good way to steal her ex’s engagement thunder by having your family host a gorgeous event there, and you can rinse away the bad associations.
Honestly, if they broke up 5 years ago she probably shouldn’t even know the details of the engagement. Stop stalking your exes on social media if you can’t handle knowing they’re happy!
NTA. I didn’t even really need to go past “20k non-refundable DEPOSIT”— in this economy, I wouldn’t let $20 slide let alone 1000x that amount. NTA.
It's been 5 years, why is she still stalking or watching her ex??? She needs to let them go so she can move on.
NTA.. Carol needs to get over it. This is her EX husband, who is clearly a dirtbag. Is she going to stay away from every place he goes to? And tell her to stop following the GF on social media.....and get some therapy.
The OP returned later the same day with an update.
Particular-Wish-1761 (OP)
Update: Carol is willing to pay Amy the $20,000 nonrefundable deposit - essentially paying Amy NOT to host her wedding at that venue (I'm guessing Carol is using her alimony money for this).
Amy is deeply unhappy with Carol. To her, even with the $20,000 being covered, finding a new venue and reorganizing everything would be a huge hassle. I'm on team Amy, but I feel like i'm losing half my family over this.
Timeline clarification:
I booked and paid a $20,000 nonrefundable deposit for Amy's dream wedding venue 18 months ago.
Carol's ex-husband had an affair with a woman (who was 22 when it started 5 years ago, now 28).
He just proposed to the mistress a month ago at this same unfortunate venue.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP's update:
If y’all change locations, instead of this being Carol’s issue that she needs to work through, it will be your daughter’s memory that her dream wedding was ruined because a grown woman made her emotions everyone else’s problem. Stop talking to Carol about this, it should never have been brought to Amy at all.
NTA but if you keep entertaining the idea of moving locations, you’ll be the AH. It’s possible to be supportive of Carol without enabling her or doing it at expense of your own child (not to mention the money).
NTA, Carol needs to take that $20k she has laying around and spend it on therapy.
Nope, still NTA and don't move a thing. Carol needs therapy because everything does not revolve around her. Five years is enough time to be past this level of grieving. She also needs to not be looking at their social media. Been divorced. It doesn't do any good.
Someone else mentioned Carol making this her whole personality and I couldn't agree more. It sucks. It hurts. It's not fair. Yada yada yada. Talk to a therapist and move on, Carol.