'AITA for rejecting my deadbeat father's wife's attempt to bring me and my sister into their family?'
"AITA for rejecting my deadbeat father's wife's attempt to bring me and my sister into their family?"
My sister (19f) and I (17m) were raised by our single mom. Our father was a deadbeat who left when mom was pregnant with me and he's got 50k of child support debt and counting (toward me).
My sister and I used to see him places when we were kids. It's a small town and he never left and neither did mom. He'd just quit jobs and go to jail rather than pay support or be a dad.
It was probably a year ago when my sister told me she saw him with a woman and kids. My sister and I were like wtf and then we both saw him another day with just the kids. It was weird.
Another time all three of us saw them. We were all in the same diner at the same time and he was acting like a parent for the first time ever. The woman with him noticed us watching and it was a few weeks after she stopped me and my sister and introduced herself and she tried to start a relationship between us all.
She had met dad online and they were married by then and he was "the most wonderful stepdad" to her kids. She approached me and my sister a few times on our own too when her first attempt at starting a relationship failed.
A couple of times she told us he'd be more willing to get the child support back payments paid if we had a relationship. One time I got super far from her before she could get closer to me because she had one of her kids with me and I didn't want to start any drama in front of kids.
Last week she approached me on my own again and she told me how sad it would be for us not to be a family. She said my father would be adopting her kids in November and she'd love me and my sister to come and we could be a family.
I asked her why she thinks either of us wants to know the family he chose to be with and why we'd want to see him be a father to kids who aren't even his over his actual kids. I told her she's wasting her time and pissing us off and she needs to stay the hell away from us.
She tried to yell at me but I walked away. I did hear her say something like I didn't need to be rude to her when she was trying to be nice. Like I said I was focused on getting away from her. But maybe I was harsh? IDK. I think saying something once is whatever but to keep trying is way too much. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Your father is an AH. Just because he wants to reinvent himself with new wife and children does not negate your lived experience without him as a father nor providing financial support for you and your sister.
It seems that you have communicated to this woman that you were not interested that there is nothing that he can do to make up for his years of absence and failure to provide for the children that he sired and if you're being rude, it's because she was rude first by ignoring your previous statements and feelings about not wanting to reconnect with your dad.
She is probably trying to rationalize in her mind, bringing a person, a poor character like your father into her children's life now that she has knowledge of what kind of father he wasn't and his own children's life.
NTA! She’s a massive AH and has been harassing you. You’d said no plenty of times. And she wants you to stay polite? Tell her to stay in her freaking lane. Love how she says your father will pay child support if he has a relationship - that is not how it works. He pays regardless. What’s especially telling is that it’s her trying to speak to you and not even your awful father.
Geeonnniey (OP)
He should pay regardless but we're just waiting for him to quit his job to be a SAHD while his wife is the breadwinner. It wouldn't be too hard to believe he'll go to jail again before paying at a faster rate.
The next time this woman approaches you tell her that you and your sister will come over AFTER all the child support has been caught up and continually paid and when you do come over you will discuss with her exactly why y'all are NC with your sperm donor. Why hasn't your mother reported the lack of this deadbeat not paying CS? You need to start pushing mom on that. That money is for you and sis.
Geeonnniey (OP)
My mom has reported it multiple times. He has gone to jail for failure to pay because mom reported it. But he still has unpaid support that right now is being paid but slowly.
If I understand correctly the adoption needs to go through family court. Make sure to get a copy of the judgement for your back child support gets to whomever will rule on the adoption. Yeah, I’m petty.
NTA, you are missing a golden opportunity to give your loving attentive father some much deserved payback by not agreeing to become a part of their family where you could just bide your time and then one day tell everyone the truth by asking your dad WHY he blew all of you off for so long and why he thinks that he deserves anything at all from you.
Expose the truth to them all, even the back child support and what he said all along the way, the neglect and such. Let all of his new family know how the past was for you.
You and your sister have every right to set boundaries, especially with someone trying to force a relationship with you when your dad has a long history of neglect. She may think she's "being nice," but repeatedly pushing after you've already said no crosses the line. You don't owe her a relationship, an explanation, or forgiveness.
NTA. She’s delusional and wants to think he’s changed. She wants him to take responsibility for you so she can see him as a good father. I’m sure he’s told her that you and your sister or your mom are the reason he doesn’t have a relationship with you, because he will never ever take accountability for his actions, and she’s too delusional to see the truth.
He would have never attempted to be a father to you if she wasn’t forcing him to do so, which is why she’s approaching you and he’s not. Lay out your version of events ask her why she’s the one trying to force a relationship and not him if he wants to be a dad all of a sudden? Actions speak louder than words, hopefully she’ll see the light.