Medical student’s deception about his residency acceptance almost ends his 4-year relationship. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for not lying to my boyfriend about my Match Day?"
So I (M28) and my boyfriend (M32) have been together for four years. Our relationship has been amazing except for when we have special occasions or gatherings. He is a really sensitive and emotional type to the point that it gets awkward and embarrassing.
Match Day is a Day when Med students find out where they will do their residency. I’ve been extremely stressed because I was hoping for my first choice and didn’t need any extra stressors.
My boyfriend asked what time the event that my program was hosting to reveal the match day results and I just knew he would be over the top with emotion and cause me embarrassment so I lied and told him a time well after I’d find out.
Match day was Friday and I got my first choice. My boyfriend arrived an hour before the event ended and was visibly upset with me. He went home after and won’t return my calls. AITA?
I’d like to make it clear that I love my boyfriend and know what I did was awful and could have been avoided by a conversation. That being said, he did text saying he wants to talk. I’ll update when I can.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
YTA. Relationships are built on honesty and trust. You find a man being emotional too embarrassing to be around, please take a look at yourself and ask why you don't want to be with this man who is openly vulnerable with you - such an amazing trait for him to have. You should never have lied to him and if you find his authentic self to be too embarrassing for you then do him a favor and break up with him.
There is being able to show emotion and going over the top. not everyone wants every event to be a cryfest.
Yes YTA for the lying instead of having an open conversation with him. Now he’s gonna question everything you say.
YTA. Your relationship is wonderful, but you're embarrassed to be seen with him at any gatherings or events? Do you hear yourself?
ThrowRA88rising (OP)
I just wanted this moment to be about me and not my boyfriend crying for 15 minutes.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
So wow, the response I got back from this has been pretty massive. Unfortunately, I cannot read all of the comments but I'm surprised to not automatically be shunned and labeled the AH. I know what I did was not only messed up but lacked consideration for my boyfriend.
He texted me (yay) last night and said he wanted to talk about what happened. My stomach dropped, like that feeling you get on a roller coaster. We met this morning at our favorite little bakery and I got him his favorite macarons and breakfast sandwich.
At first I was really nervous and anxious that what I did was irreversible. I of course told him not only that I was sorry but explained why I did it. We hadn’t really had this kind of conversation so he was pretty taken aback by why I didn’t want him there.
Fortunately, he said he understood but was really hurt that I didn’t talk to him and found reason to lie to him instead. He said that he still wanted to be with me (yay again) but that we should try counseling both together and separate.
He was concerned that his many emotional bouts caused attention to be taken away and placed on him whenever we went to any special event. After breakfast we just walked around his neighborhood and held hands (not really into pda due to trauma).
He invited me back to his place to “see the dog” and so now I’m just writing this laying in bed. I might have another update idk. Thank you to everyone who said YTA and anyone else who did not thank you for your comments too.
Later the same day, the OP returned with another update.
Many of you were spot on about my boyfriend not only being amazing but also sensitive (something I find cute as well) and thoughtful. As soon as I typed up the first update I went to take a shower.
Upon getting out, my boyfriend is in a suit and there is an envelope in his hand. Yeah, I think now would be cause to cry. He said that we can do our own match ceremony ourselves.
Inside the envelope was a paper saying you match with “insert hospital“ and “ops boyfriend“. Yeah I did tear up and my boyfriend absolutely cried but my god he’s a pretty crier. And yes we have made sure we are on the same page.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
In a suit recreating your match ceremony because you were too ashamed of him to bring him to the real one... is this really a healthy relationship to continue? He sounds neurodivergent and idk... this all feels very inauthentic on your part, how do you suddenly love something that you hated about him because reddit told you to?
Very happy update! Still very glad that he's willing to get therapy and that he recognizes that taking attention away from everyone else during their big moments is a problem.
NGL, finding out that his family call themselves "crying connoisseurs" heavily hints that he has HAD to have big outsized emotional reactions or not be taken seriously. Similar to people who don't take pain seriously if someone isn't screaming, or people who feel the need to fake a loud orgasm because their partner doesn't believe a small one.
That nonsense will not only impact his relationships in terms of people not wanting him there, but also can be really rough on him internally also. Best of luck to you two :)
Honestly, I'm glad you worked it out with your BF but I would find his over the top reactions sort of exhausting and annoying. I would also wonder if he has a problem regulating emotions and needed anxiety medication.
Two months later, the OP returned with another update.
Hello everyone!
I decided to make this final update for anyone that that questions as well as those just wanting to see how my bf and I are doing.
Firstly, we’re doing great. He started his individual therapy two weeks ago and seems to find it really helpful. We had our first session together last Monday. I obviously won’t go into detail but I realized further how my actions really hurt my bf and am doing everything to not only make up for it but to never make that same mistake again.
Secondly, there were some asking about our relationship handling my residency. He actually works remote so we agreed to move together. I’m really looking forward to this next chapter even though I have a very grueling residency to begin. We have found a place that we like and have been steadily moving down there.
I actually told him about the Reddit post not too long after and he was very chill about it. We went through a lot of the comments together and just talked about it. I’m thankful for all of the honest commentators, even the one’s who believed I should be dumped because it’s nice to have an outside look at a situation.
That’s pretty much it really. We have our anniversary soon and I want to go all out before my life becomes too hectic. Let me know if down the line you’d like another update. For now, that’s it. Thank you.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
OP def went about things the wrong way, however I do empathize that overly effusive people/reactions are just not what the doctor ordered sometimes. You have to read the room and be social conscious to an extent, and when someone can’t do that, it’s rough and awkward all around. I’m glad they could talk and work it out.
I can see why OP didn’t want his BF there. Match Day has the potential to be awful or wonderful, not only for you but for the whole rest of the class. There is basically zero chance that someone doesn’t end up disappointed.
If OP was concerned about not matching at his first choice, having to manage his own reaction and his BF’s outsize reaction, knowing that other people were likely also having intensely emotional moments of their own at the same time, I can see why OP would rather just rip off the bandaid by himself.
Like, it’s one thing for your partner to get all choked up at your wedding or on your birthday or another day when you’re the focus, but if they’re doing it in a dramatic and loud way when dozens of your friends are having their own personal emotionally fraught moments it just seems really self centered.
It was unkind and cowardly to lie about it though. My school’s Match Day event was just for the students for the first hour so that everyone could get their news and families/friends were invited for the party afterward.
I did wonder about this one. everyone called OP the AH, and he certainly was in the wrong for lying rather than having a conversation. but... I know people who cry and fuss at these emotional moments and while they are good-hearted, they take up all the attention and energy in the room.
Rather than celebrating your moment, you feel like you need to take care of them. For me and my class, match day felt like the culmination of our whole lives. I can't speak for the OP, but I have known the career path I wanted since I was 12 years old, and I had been working towards it ever since.
To finally get chosen by an institution to actually work in that specialty... was one of the biggest moments of my life. I was beyond grateful for the friends and family who cheered me on and supported me, and I was thrilled to celebrate with them, but I wouldn't have wanted to have to take care of a weepy overly emotional partner in that moment.
All that said, the answer definitely shouldn't have been to deceive his boyfriend and keep him from coming, the OP should have talked to him about his concerns. If you're old enough to graduate from med school, you're old enough to have a mature conversation with the partner who is going to move with you for your residency.