"AITA for declining guardianship of a my sister?"
I (27M) emotionally lost my mom when I was a teenager. And when I was 15, my stepfather died after a long illness. Less than a month later, my mom moved on fast new relationship, rushed marriage, and then a baby girl.
Everything happened so quickly that I felt completely pushed aside. I stayed quiet, finished school, and the moment I turned 18, I moved out and cut contact entirely.
Over the years, some relatives kept trying to push the idea that I should have a relationship with my half sister. I was always clear that I didn’t want that. I didn’t hate her, I just didn’t want any connection to that part of my life.
About two years ago (when I was 25), my family decided to get creative. They told my best friend about "the situation" and convinced her it might be healing for me. She invited me to what I thought was a normal dinner.
When I arrived, my half sister was there. I felt betrayed and I didn’t make a scene, but afterward I told my friend that putting me in that position wasn’t fair to me or to the kid.
I explained that forcing a relationship wouldn’t magically make me want one, and honestly, it wasn’t healthy for anyone. That was the last time I allowed anything like that.
And couple months ago things fell apart on my mom’s side, there were some bad addiction issues that finally led to child services getting involved. Her husband ended up going to jail, and my mom lost custody because she wasn’t able to provide a stable environment.
Their daughter was placed with different relatives temporarily, but no one wanted to take her in long-term. That’s when my name came up, I didn't hesitate to say no. Repeatedly. I warned my family that if they kept pushing, I’d cut contact completely.
Eventually, the girl entered foster care. A caseworker later reached out to ask if I’d reconsider becoming her guardian or even have contact. I declined and asked not to receive updates or have my information shared.
My family did not take that well. I got messages calling me heartless, selfish, and cruel. They asked how I could live with myself, whether I felt guilty, and if I worried I was "throwing away my sister." I was honest I don’t want one.
They even asked if I’d be okay knowing she might be mistreated in foster care. I told them that if they were that concerned, they were free to step up themselves instead of pressuring me. After that, I blocked everyone.
A weird cousin later confronted me in public after following me for so long one day while I was out with friends, he accused me of being cold and abandoning family. I left early to avoid a scene. And gladly I did because if I stayed I would've beat the shit out of him.
Here’s the thing: I could have taken her in. I have a stable job, a small but decent place, and a spare room. I could’ve made it work. I just don’t want to. I don’t think forcing myself into a role I never wanted would be good for either of us. So AITA here?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Not your circus, not your monkeys.
NTA. Your family can take the child in. I’d ask them how they could live with themselves if they don’t since they’re fine pushing the responsibility onto you without taking any themselves. The child should be with someone who wants them—which isn’t you.
NTA. Raising a child with whom you have emotional misgivings would be a mistake for both of you. And by the way, your friend's actions were cruel to both you and your half-sister when she "surprised" you with a dinner that included your half-sister.
NTA, at all. Theyre the ones who made thier bed, and now theyre sleeping in it. Generally no one should ever be made to be responsible for a kid that isnt theirs, family or not.
NTA. You grew up in an awful situation and worked hard to get out. You are not responsible for your mother's choices or offspring. Yes, it's sad for the girl. But genuinely not your responsibility. It's extremely disrespectful of your family to ignore your boundaries like that.
NTA. This is a huge ask, probably why none of the other relatives will not. There is a good chance she has serious behavioral issues. You are probably not equipped for that. Even if you had a relationship with her, this is still a huge ask.
NTA. I can't imagine the mentality of people trying to force you to take care of a vulnerable child that you don't know and have repeatedly said you don't want a relationship with. That would be traumatic for both of you. Your extended family members are so quick to judge you but they are doing the same thing.
Not the AH. It’s a choice and you have the right to make one. Also if you ever change your mind and agree, do not agree to a guardianship- you get no financial support. Only agree to being a foster carer.
You’ll get hundreds of pounds a week which will help you manage the responsibility from a financial perspective. (I know this is the case for the UK but probably true for other countries as well). Please speak to a lawyer before you agree to anything.