'AITA for declining a late invite I got to a coworker’s wedding?' 'It REALLY stung.'

"AITA for declining a late invite I got to a coworker’s wedding?"

My coworker, who is also my boss’s son, is getting married in July. Months ago, around October/November, several of my other coworkers already got hand delivered invitations to the wedding.

During this initial period, I was admittedly a little hurt not to be included, though I tried to remain professional and keep it to myself. It really stung, especially hearing those included chatter about wedding talk openly around the office, in front of me knowing I wasn’t included.

Today I got an invitation. I was extremely surprised, and a little confused since I thought I wasn’t invited. I did initially stutter a little and ask something like “Oh, why now?” because I was caught off guard.

He (also kind of clumsily) explained that they invited close friends and family first, and had to see who couldn’t come before they invited others. It was an awkward interaction. I didn’t even know sending out invites in stages was a thing people did, I thought they all went out at the same time.

After a moment of deliberation I, in a way I felt was gracious, I kindly and softly declined the invitation. I thanked him for thinking of me and told him I appreciated the invite, but regretted I wouldn’t be able to make it (and I handed the invitation back - I wasn’t sure what to do with it??). And that was that.

Now, my internal thought process was that I’ve always been taught not to accept a late invitation, because why attend a party or gathering you were only invited to as an afterthought? Also he specifically told me I only got an invite because someone else couldn’t make it.

I also felt a little humiliated in the moment, because not only was I a second-string invite, but my coworkers who were invited months ago would know that I’m second-string. Now everyone is acting a little cold to me, including my boss, and I’m wondering if I’m the ahole.

I think I might be the ahole because I handed the invitation back (that felt awkward), and because it might seem like my decline was coming from a place of resentment and bitterness about not being included in the first wave. I can see how it could be interpreted that way, though I think it was coming from a place of trying to protect my self-worth. So, AITA?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

archetyping101 said:

NTA for declining but handing it back instead of just taking it, and then declining the RSVP afterwards can be viewed as rude. I do think you're a seat filler and likely getting invited to receive a wedding gift. The fact he so casually mentioned family and friends first and then receiving declines so now adding more people is so crass.

nick4424 said:

You’re a bit of an AH. You should’ve taken the invite and RSPV’d no and said you had another commitment. He’s an huge AH for making it abundantly clear you were a second choice guest. He could’ve made up some excuse and said there was an over site and you were always ment to be invited.

belowdeck44 said:

YTA. It’s so funny how often I’m reminded that almost everyone on this sub is so so young. First of all, anyone who has suffered through their 30s would never care if they weren’t invited to a coworker’s wedding, when I get home now and see a fancy envelope my first thought is dread.

Second, who always taught you not to accept late invitations? Some of the best nights are spur of the moment late invites, who cares if you weren’t first choice? Go and have fun or don’t, but don’t collect grievances. Finally, of course it’s rude you handed back the invitation.

MaterialMonitor6423 said:

YTA. If you made it sound as if you were insulted, that was out of line. It's pretty clear that you aren't an inner circle friend. But you know this, right? There's a serious cost to every person that attends a wedding. Because you were ultimately invited, you're considered a friend and not a complete outcast.

Otherwise you wouldn't have been invited at all. You always invite the most important people first, along with the tier 2 and tier 3 people. As those people decline, it opens space up to peripheral friends and acquaintances. That's you. It should't be taken as offensive, and it's tacky to call someone out for it. It's simply the limitations of the budget and venue.

Scenarioing said:

NTA. Despite all the claims to the contrary. You were openly insulted. The invite, itself, was an insult. Handing the card back was completely proportional precise as a response and polite at the same time. These people are low grade bullies. But bullies nevertheless.

NightFart said:

YTA for handing the invitation back immediately. You should take time to think about it before declining invitations. You can make up for this by giving them a wedding gift, and they will probably forgive you.