'AITA for declining my friend's last minute wedding invite?' UPDATED
"AITA for declining my friend's last minute wedding invite?"
This may end up being a long story so I'll try not to ramble on as I do this. All names have been changed as well as a few minor details here and there. Backstory: So I (28F) have been friends with "Hannah" (28F) since high school. Our friend group consisted of 4 girls but since I've known Hannah the longest as we grew up in the same town I naturally grew closer to her.
Case in point she was the only member of our friend group who I kept in contact with after I transferred to another school. I also had a another friend who I'll call "Sam" (27M). He was in the grade below me and we met through our club activities.
I guess I felt at ease with him since we were both in the honors program but were more of outcasts in our respective classes and hung out more with kids from other classes. I also maintained a friendship with him after I transferred.
The three of us formed our own friend group afterwards and this really helped me as I had trouble adjusting to a new school. We remained friends throughout college and hung out pretty often. We were still pretty close after we all graduated and started pursuing our own careers but after the pandemic we slowly drifted apart and did not keep in touch as much.
Hannah has been with "Adam" since college. From the few times I met him he seemed nice enough on the surface and her family really liked him. But from the stories Hannah would sometimes share their relationship sounded pretty toxic and they would often accuse the other of cheating whenever they hung out separately with anyone of the opposite gender.
One time while hanging out with Sam, he told me about how Hannah and Adam broke up and she went over to his apartment to vent. She then sent a text to Adam saying she was spending the night with Sam, which I guess was so she could make her ex feel jealous or whatever.
Adam then kept harassing Sam through text after that. From that point on Sam started distancing himself from Hannah, especially when she and Adam got back together, and would not agree to a meet up unless I was coming.
Present day: Hannah and Adam got engaged 4 years ago. I was happy for her but by this time we haven't been in contact all that much. I was content with just sending her my regards but I really wasn't expecting to be invited once they've settled on a date.
Sam and I still maintained contact for some time and even met up once to catch up, but over time we also lost touch. I only heard from him again 2 weeks ago for a quick catch up through Messenger but that was it.
I went on with my life. I slowly built up my reputation at work and am currently aiming towards a promotion, hoping this would get me working regular hours as I have been on a night shift for quite some time (this will become important later). I also met the love of my life and have been with him for 3 years now. I seriously felt at peace.
Last Friday, Hannah's prenup photos went up on social media. Sam messaged our group chat to congratulate her. After a bit of small talk, Hannah asked if we were free to attend her wedding...which was in three days, so the coming Monday. She then proceeded to send over the invitation which included the time and venue, which was a 2 hour drive from where I live.
Needless to say I was completely taken aback. I let her know I already had a work event scheduled for that evening and even showed her a screenshot of the email invite from my coworker so she wouldn't think that I was just making excuses. She then said that I could still probably make it since her wedding was in the morning and that our friends from high school would also be there.
Mind you, I haven't spoken to any of them in years. Also, by going to this wedding I would effectively be going without sleep for an entire day as my body has gotten used to sleeping during the day since I've been working nights for several years now.
Surprisingly, Sam seemed excited about this and said that we should go. He then kept pestering me to go with him, even going so far as to message me privately, telling me to just skip my work event and that he would pick me up so we could go together.
Hannah is banking on just the two of us being added to her guest list, meaning we can't bring our own plus ones. The thought of going to a wedding pretty much surrounded by strangers with a guy who isn't my significant other made me even more uncomfortable.
I told Sam that I have absolutely no interest in going but he would not back down. Out of frustration, I stopped replying and he hasn't reached out to me since then. When Hannah asked again in our group chat if we were coming Sam just said that he had a meeting for that morning so he also wouldn't be able to make it.
Hannah then backed off and acknowledged that she did invite us last minute. I haven't heard from them since. AITA for deciding not to go?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Vyckerz said:
NTA - regardless of everything else, three days is ridiculous for a wedding invitation. Especially without a plus one.
Illumamoth1313 said:
NTA. Short, short notice + you already had plans = Nope, sorry. You did good.
rumicriticisms said:
NTA, in my opinion. Things just didn't work and you all drifted apart. I get that your friend doesn't want to go alone, but he should not obligate you to go with him because of the incident that happened in the past. You got your SO and work, your life and they got theirs. Que sera sera, whatever will be...will be.
marspigsmoke said:
NTA. Here's what commenters have glossed over so far--"which was in three days, so the coming Monday." That's enough of a reason to decline as anything.
GhostLeopard_666 said:
Why does Hannah think you have nothing better to do than drop everything and attend her last minute wedding? NTA.
Timely-Chard1229 said:
She had an empty seat to fill & get a gift from. And she wonders why you didn't jump at the chance. NTA.
nside-Property-4579 said:
NTA. But (and maybe I’m reading too much into this) Sam comes across as lonely. Might be why he pushed so hard. Again, this is my interpretation based on what I read.
UPDATE:
Thank you to everyone for confirming to me that I was definitely not in the wrong. I have always been a people pleaser so whenever I had to say no to something I would often be plagued by a sense of guilt. I also wanted to get some outside perspective on the things that have been gnawing at me lately. Writing it all out has also helped ease some of the tension I've felt building up in my chest.
I did not receive any more messages from either Sam or Hannah throughout the weekend so I went about as usual. Hannah and Adam also posted more photos as a preview to their wedding. With how awkward things ended though I could not bring myself to reach out and congratulate them.
This may be a-holey on my part but I thought that either way it won't change whatever feelings Hannah may have towards me now. I also made my peace a long time ago that our friendship was never going to be the way it used to be.
There was a time where I considered Hannah to be my best friend. She was the one who was most privy to the struggles I had fitting into a new school. I was also there for her after one of her family members passed away. Even though we went to different colleges we both pursued the same degree so I would sometimes go over to her place to tutor her.
Thinking about it now, though, I realize that between the two of us I was more often the one who moved plans around to cater to her needs. Over time I started to feel like I was just a friend of convenience, someone she could call on when she needed something.
She would also often post more about her hang outs with her more affluent friends while hardly sharing any when she was with me and Sam. This one stung, as it made me think that she was ashamed to even be seen with me. This was why I started to distance myself from her and the pandemic gave me the perfect opportunity to do so.
With regards to Sam I was his friend first so he was closer to me than he was with Hannah. Naturally there were some who assumed we'd end up together, including my mom. But he never expressed any romantic interest in me and because he had several other female friends I thought nothing of it.
I still considered him a good friend even though communication with him became sporadic. When I told him that I had started seeing someone he even joked to let him know if he was gonna be a godfather.
The gist of our call 2 weeks ago was that he wanted to get my thoughts on this girl he was interested in. I really did think he was talking about someone else he met and not just him trying to gauge my reaction. But then when he asked me to go stargazing with him I had to pause. This part left me very confused and while I wanted to brush it off it still lingered at the back of my mind.
After initially declining Hannah's invitation I messaged Sam privately to joke about how well timed my work event was. Because of what happened with him and Adam he's made it clear on more than one occasion that he'd never want to get involved in their relationship ever again.
I really thought that he would laugh it off and say that he also wouldn't be able to make it so I was surprised when he started to get all hyped up about the wedding and tried egging me to join him. At first I tried to play it off as a joke and even said that my boss would not be happy if I dipped but he kept going.
In hindsight, I probably should have made my boundaries clear then and told him that I wasn't comfortable with bringing another guy with me to an intimate occasion. In the end, I just left him on seen. Regardless of what his true intentions were, I have decided that I would also need to distance myself from him as well.
There was also a comment on my previous post about how I couldn't be without my partner and I would like to address that. He and I met through work but because we live in different cities so bringing each other to special events isn't something we can do very often.
Constant communication has always been the key to our relationship thus far and as long as we update each other about any plans we may have separately there's no issue. If I had decided to go alone to the wedding it wouldn't have been a problem with him as long I kept him updated and let him know once I got home.
And that's it. I had a blast with my coworkers. It wasn't much, just a small gathering where we could dress up and have a bit of fun. I'm truly happy that I get to spend time with them like this.
Hannah has been sharing stories from her wedding on social media and I can tell that it was everything she had dreamed of. I can't help but notice though that one of her bridesmaids, who was once a part of our original friend group, was nowhere to be seen in any of her photos and videos.
I also looked at this girl's socials and she hasn't shared anything about the wedding either. Whether or not she does show up once their official wedding photos come out will most likely be their problem and not mine. It will just give me an idea on who Hannah wanted me to replace on her guest list.
NOTE: My curiosity got the better of me and I found that Hannah and missing bridesmaid unfollowed each on Instagram. I know it's none of my business though so I will just leave it at that. It's probably for the best that I not go further down this rabbit hole lol.
Here's what people had to say about the update:
0fluffythe0ferocious said:
Hey, you avoided an awkward situation. Or what could have been an awkward situation. Good for you!
Busy-Suspect-6278 said:
I am so glad that you stuck with your original plan and skipped that whole mess of awkward awfulness. The sitch with Sam is weird but ultimately alright I guess?
GhostLeopard_666 said:
I am glad to hear you went out with your co-workers, that was the best thing i think you could do. Enjoy your life, the Hannah/Sam chapter has now closed and you have so many more things to look forward to in the future.
Aside from everything else, holding your wedding on a Monday morning is a vibe