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Autistic sibling rejects sister's expensive 'unrealistic' cruise wedding; 'she doesn't value us being there.' AITA?

Autistic sibling rejects sister's expensive 'unrealistic' cruise wedding; 'she doesn't value us being there.' AITA?

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"AITA for declining my sister's wedding due to poor guest accommodations?"

My sister announced her engagement a few months ago. She has only been dating the guy for 9 months at that time. I have only met him twice. My sister wants everyone to go to Florida so they can get married on a cruise ship, then go on a cruise with folks that are willing to the following day.

As someone who is unable to cruise and who hates all travel, this is extremely problematic for me:

She scheduled the wedding for a Monday. This means I would have to take two days off of work to attend.

She scheduled the wedding outside of our home state so she could get married on a boat, meaning I will need to spend $500 on plane tickets, and even more on a hotel to get there.

She did not, and still has not directly send me an invite. She told my grandparents I could help with transportation for them since I am the only family member with drivers license and without kids to support, and I got a call from my grandpa asking me to help him with transportation before I even knew there was a wedding.

Not only that, but because my grandpa is on dialysis, I will need to stop at a hospital at least once both ways for him to get the care he needs. I feel since this is her wedding, it is her job to find proper care for our grandparents, and that she can’t pawn it off on me.

This also makes me feel like I can’t go to the wedding without being guilted about not wanting to help them. I am autistic and eat a strict diet at very strict times. I have been informed the cruise ship will not allow me to bring any home made food onboard and I will only be able to select food from a small menu which does not meet my needs.

If she valued my grandparents being at her wedding, she would have the reception near their home town. If she valued the rest of us being there, she would have it in the state we all live. I feel like it’s okay to decline given she is having what is essentially a destination wedding. AITA?

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

NTA. Anytime someone has a destination wedding, it's okay for even immediate family not to come. Those are the rules. The moment literally every single person included needs to travel, and has no options to stay at families homes or anything like that. Then you can't get mad if people can't make it to your wedding.

The only exception to this rule is if the bride and groom are paying for people to either travel, or to have a place to stay. To add on to this, since your sister is having a wedding on a Monday, and not the weekend, not everybody can get off work or can afford to take off work.

You are 100% not the a-hole. Just tell people you can't take off work. Make a big deal of how crazy it is that she's having a Monday wedding. Say you don't have time off.

I vote NTA, but really I just want to make a PSA here, related to this sentence:

"because my grandpa is on dialysis, I will need to stop at a hospital at least once both ways for him to get the care he needs.

If you are on hemodialysis (the kind that generally requires you to go to a center and get hooked up to a machine for a few hours) and need to travel, the correct procedure is to contact a dialysis center at your destination and make arrangements to get it done. Do NOT just show up at a random hospital on the way and say, "Hi, I need dialysis."

PSA aside, most people get it done 3x/wk, either M-W-F or T-Th-S. So unless this is an extremely long drive to Florida, like greater than 2 full days (which it isn't because OP says he would miss 2 days of work total), I don't really see how the need to stop on the way for dialysis would arise.

I mean, possibly the logistics would favor getting a treatment on the way home on Tuesday, instead of on either Monday or Tuesday before leaving FL. But a planned stop on the way there is definitely not going to be necessary.

NTA. You can’t decline something you’ve not even technically been invited to! Tell your Grandparents that if/when you receive an invite, you’ll be declining so that if they wish to go they can make their own arrangements (given that your Grandpa is ill I find your sister’s expectations on him too high/unreasonable).

Destination weddings are always difficult & certainly don’t suit everyone so it’s ok to not want or not be able to go. If/when you get the invite reply immediately that you wish the couple well but that you’re unable to attend. You don’t owe them a paragraph of reasons, it’s better to keep it short & simple.

It's an invitation, not a demand to appear. You can tell her it's just out of your budget/ability to get time off work/etc. I know she's your sister but throwing a destination wedding like this she has to expect that a lot of people won't be able to be there. You are NTA.

NTA for not going on the cruise. That sounds horrible for you. That's not even the wedding anymore but a vacation (that you don't want). And it's totally ridiculous for someone on dialysis to travel for a destination wedding.

But it sounds like there are 2 different things - the wedding on Monday, which is held on a cruise ship. And then the cruise leaves on Tuesday "with folks that are willing to"......so it does sound like you could separate attending the wedding from being on the actual cruise.

As a general statement though, I don't think that taking 1-2 days off work, buying a domestic plane ticket, and spending 1-2 nights in a hotel for an immediate family member's wedding is a ridiculous ask, though if you can't afford it, you can't afford it and it's 100% ok to decline. The "you must shepherd the grandparents around an ensure they get there and back without dying" is crazy ridiculous though.

NTA. It’s very okay for you to decline. Tell your grandparents that you haven’t actually been invited, but if you do get an invitation, you are unfortunately unable to attend.

NTA - for not wanting to go. I suggest just messaging your sister to say you hope she has a lovely day. But that you will be unable to attend as a result she will need to find alternative arrangements for the grandparents.

You don't need to go into details. But if you feel pressured and want to give reasons you can say: "The boat won't accommodate my dietary requirements." "Driving that distance with the grandparents and having to stop regularly to ensure grandpa has his hospital treatments.

This is an extremely stressful situation as you know I would be worried about the grandparents and the dive at the same time. Which is too much for me." If she cares enough, she may rethink her plans. If she doesn't rethink her plans she needs to come to terms with the fact some people won't attend.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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