'AITA for declining to be a bridesmaid because I can’t handle wearing a dress?' UPDATED

"AITA for declining being a bridesmaid bc I can’t handle wearing a dress?"

I 36 female was asked by my sister in law to be her bridesmaid. First off let me say that I love and respect my sister in law. She is an amazing and kind person and I’m so grateful to have her in my life. We are very close and get along 100% of the time with little to no disagreements about anything.

She recently asked me if I would be one of her bridesmaids and I asked her if I would have to wear a dress. She said yes and I declined. I explained to her I don’t feel comfortable at all wearing dresses.

Dresses make me feel exposed almost like I’m naked. Even the thought of wearing a dress makes feel nauseous and panicked. On top of that I have really bad social anxiety and don’t do well standing up in front of crowds.

I was a bridesmaid for my sister about 14 years ago where I had to wear a dress and stand in front of a lot of people and it was nerve wracking. The anxiety and feeling of being exposed and stared at was almost too much for me to bare. I told my sister in law about this and she said “you did that for your sister?”

I explained that the only reason I did was bc my other sister declined to be her bridesmaid and I felt obligated to even though I was freaking out on the inside. My sister in law has offered all kinds of bridesmaid attire ideas like wearing leather jackets but all the ideas she has are dresses and I really don’t feel comfortable at all wearing one.

The only times I have ever worn a dress was when I was around the ages of 5-6 for picture day at school, prom(which I was forced to go to with my friend bc my boyfriend felt bad for him not having a date to go with) and my sisters wedding.

For even more context I’m not a girly girl, never have been. As a child I played with Barbies, Batman and ninja turtles. Where most girls wanted to dress up as princesses for Halloween I wanted to be Batman and Donatello. I’ve always had mostly guy friends bc I just feel I relate more to guys than girls. I’ve always had a “dude” sense of humor. Dark, fart and dick jokes.

I don’t paint my nails and dress up in girly outfits. I rarely even wear makeup these days. I mostly wear tee shirts, leggings and hoodies bc I feel most comfortable in that. I know it’s hard for my sister in law to understand bc she is stunningly beautiful and wears dresses all the time and she feels good wearing that kind of stuff. When I wear a dress I just feel naked and anxious.

I know her wedding day is her day and it’s not about me and I feel really bad for declining her offer to be her bridesmaid. At the same time I don’t feel like I should have to put myself in a position that makes me feel exposed and on the verge of tears and vomiting. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

swbarnes2 said:

I guess the first question is, is this anxiety stopping you from doing something you really want to do? If it is, then you should seek therapy to give you the tools to be able to do what you want. But if you are thinking "Ugg, I don't really want to do this, and even if therapy made me able to do it, I still wouldn't want to", then just decline.

In_The_News said:

Any time I'm in a dress or skirt that isn't ankle length I have some kind of leggings/capris/shorts underneath because I'm scared of some kind of Marilyn Monroe moment. No one can ever see them, but I know even if something catastrophic happens, I'm not going to have my whole self exposed. And I am on my feet and walking a lot, so it's more comfortable on my thighs.

Also, your anxiety has now crossed an important threshold. It is now actively interfering with your daily life and your relationships. That is something to take very seriously and discuss with a professional.

Maxi-Moo-Moo said:

A jumpsuit, we had a bridesmaid who didn't wear dresses, she wore a jumpsuit. It was fitted at the top and the bottom was flowing legs. You couldn't even tell it wasn't a dress. Imo maybe get some support on your social anxiety, not over the dress but other things you have said.

dncrmom said:

NTA but if it is a floor length dress you could easily wear cropped leggings underneath and no one would ever know. If it is the anxiety it fine to opt out but you should really see a doctor to help you in the future.

She later shared this update:

I’m not really sure how to update in order to try to answer everyone’s questions. Let me just say first and foremost I am a straight woman. I’m not confused about my gender. I’m just not a feminine woman. I lean more masculine, not to the point where I get mistaken for a man but I have had quite a few lesbian women approach me thinking I was a lesbian based on how I look and carry myself.

For my own wedding I was horrified of the idea of having to be in front of a bunch of people and wear a dress so my husband and I opted to get married by a justice of the peace in a backyard with 2 witnesses. I wore gray skinny jeans, men’s vans high top sneakers, a TMNT hoodie and makeup.

I do have problems with my anxiety. I have my whole life. I’m not trying to over use that word or use it as a cop out. It’s literally been a life long struggle for me. Some things are worse than others for me.

Wearing a dress being one of them. I feel about as uncomfortable as my husband would wearing a dress. It’s not something that feels right to me and for the few times I have worn dresses in my life it was never my choice.

I have seen a therapist in the past and I loved it. It actually helped a lot bc I used to let my anxiety turn into anger which I know longer do. The anxiety of wearing a dress and standing in front of a crowd doesn’t affect my daily life bc I choose to not wear dresses and stand in front of crowds. These things are not things I feel that I need to do in my life so I avoid them.

My SIL is well aware of the kind of woman I am and she knew asking me to wear a dress was more than likely going to be a no but she did ask me bc she wants to include me.

I get that and I love her for it. I just know if I wore a dress at her wedding I would be having some really bad anxiety issues and I don’t want my issues to get in the way of her having a nice wedding bc wedding days can be very stressful especially for the bride.

I did tell her if she really wants me as a bridesmaid I would be much more comfortable in a suit or dress pants and a dress shirt but she said she wants bridesmaid dresses which is fine and I don’t expect her to change her vision for me bc it’s not my day.

That’s why I declined her offer to be a bridesmaid. She has since continued to try to get me to agree to wear a dress and I have continued to tell her it makes me uncomfortable. She hasn’t been mean about it or anything. She’s just very set on it.

I have offered to make her bouquet and help decorate her wedding and I’m most definitely going to be there attending as a guest. I’m more than likely just going to buy some black slacks, a simple dress top and some black dress shoes to wear to her wedding. Still formal just not super feminine.

Also the last few paragraphs were just to describe my personality for reference. I’m not really good at writing and my wording sucks. I don’t think I’m special by any means. I’m not someone that likes to draw attention to myself. Quite the opposite, I like to disappear in the background. Even at family gatherings I tend to duck off by myself or by my husband. I just feel more comfortable that way.

My husband’s family are amazing caring people. It took me a long time to get comfortable around them but when I finally did it felt so good. They actually opened my eyes to what a loving supportive family looks like. They also know I struggle with my anxiety and self worth and they love me through it. I’m so grateful to them for that. I guess that’s why I also feel guilt for having this struggle.