'AITA for declining to walk my daughter down the aisle at her wedding?' UPDATED
"AITA for declining to walk my daughter down the aisle at her wedding?"
About eight years ago, I got a message on facebook from a teenager asking if I knew her mother back in college, because she might be my kid. Now, after I got over the shock, I messaged her back, we talked a little bit, I paid for a DNA test, turns out I have a daughter. We'll call her Jenny.
We talked for a little bit, I got to know her stepdad, Jim, and her mom, Tina (ONS, I didn't even know her last name 25 years ago), and her younger half-siblings, and they're all pretty cool. In particular, cannot praise Jim enough. He's one of the nicest guys I've ever met. Basically a human teddy bear, this guy.
Overall, I'd say Jenny and I have a decent enough relationship. I never married, and I don't have any other children, so I've been taking her on vacations with me, and she's spent a few holidays at my house, but overall our relationship is much more like that of two adults, rather than a parent and child. She doesn't call me dad, she calls Jim dad, and me Matt.
I contributed to her college fund, but not as much as Jim and Tina did, and that wasn't as big a deal for me because I make a lot more money than they do and have no other kids. Last week, she called me to tell me that her long term boyfriend proposed, and asked me to walk her down the aisle.
I told her that I was honored, but that I didn't think it was fair for me take that moment from Jim, who raised her since she was a toddler, just because we share DNA. She said that she actually wants both of us to walk her down the aisle, one on either side.
I told her that I didn't think it was fair to ask him to share that moment either, and that even if Jim said he was okay with it (and I'm sure he would, because Jim wouldn't deny Jenny anything, no matter how much it hurt his feelings), it probably broke his heart for her to ask that. And she said okay, and hung up, but she hasn't been as happy to talk to me to since. AITA for saying no, or do I just need to give her some time to adjust?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
[deleted] said:
NAH, but I think you're looking at this the wrong way. This is your daughter's wedding, not Jim's. So isn't what she wants for the day the important thing? She considers you her family and she wants you to be part of that moment. That's a great honor and she probably felt extremely rejected when you said no.
You have known her for almost a decade, she sees you as another father figure. You're not some rando swooping in to steal Jim's glory just because you're the bio dad. He may even be just as happy to have you on the other arm because if he loves Jenny, then having more people in her life who care about her can only be a positive thing.
I would really reconsider accepting her offer if it's still on the table. I think she will be very hurt if you stay firm in your no and it may do some permanent damage to your relationship.
UnicycleToMayhem said:
Soft yta. It's her wedding. It's her choice. And yes you can advise, but this isnt really your call to make. Its her and her future husbands as its their day. Of course you can refuse. But your still taking the choice away from her on her wedding day. You are treating her like a child instead of discussing it like an adult.
NachosSiempre said:
NAH. You’re a good guy. But if she really presses and Jim presses too, give in. I see what you’re doing, but at a certain point, you should honor their requests. Declining once is enough to pay due respect to Jim.
And Datonecatladyukno said:
I’m going t go against the grain here and say Yta. She is allowed to love more than one person and if I were her I would feel more abandonment from this than the 15+ years you weren’t present in her life.
My cousin had both her birth mom who she met when she was 20 and my aunt in her wedding and it multiplied the love, it didn’t divide it. If you just don’t want to walk her down the aisle then don’t, but to disregard her feelings and what she wants for her wedding is crappy.
He later shared two updates.
Update #1:
Thanks for all the advice. Last night I called Jenny, apologized for hurting her feelings, and asked her to meet Jim and me for Sunday brunch so that we could talk about and work out how to do this all together, so we'll hopefully come to me an amicable solution that makes everyone happy.
Update #2:
Post-brunch update: Sorry this took so long, brunch ran late. It kind of turned into lunch, and then into the waitress giving us mean looks for hogging a table for so long, but the talk was productive and I tipped well, so I call this a win.
So we all met at the restaurant, Jenny, Jim, Jenny's fiance who by coincidence has the same name as me, so we'll call him Other Matt, and me. We beat around the bush for about twenty minutes while we ordered and waited for our food, and then we got down to it, and after a lot of discussion, and reassurance that we all love each other very much (except Other Matt, who barely knows me, but seems alright), we came to a decision.
I will walk Jenny into the church, and pass her off to Jim, who will walk her down the aisle while I get to my seat. Thanks again to everyone for the advice. I'm really looking forward to the wedding.